Entry the Five Hundred and Eighteenth

04 March 2003

Impatient

Decided that a good use of my time while waiting for my oatmeal to zap would be to jump rope. Yes, I am that insane. But it means I get in a good two minutes worth of jumping while waiting. Not much, but every little bit helps.

Managed to clean about 150 emails out of my inbox at work yesterday by sitting down and just cleaning it. This is out of about 500 messages, many of which are worthless (obviously, with that many cleaned out). Felt good to dump them, and I'll keep working on it until I'm down into the double, and not triple, digits. Hell, just having that bit done helped tremendously.

Gaylaw event this evening, which went well. Ended up drinking my dinner (couple glasses of red wine), but was in no mood to make food by the time I got home. Stopped in at the restaurant/bar here in my building on the way back and kvetched with a constituent before heading home.

I'm feeling very... discontent with the direction things are going in my life these days. It's not that anything is going in the wrong direction, but things seem stalled and I haven't been able to get stuff started. I continue to plug away, but things haven't moved, or are moving too slowly. I have the patience of a hummingbird when it comes to certain things, and I suppose my life and career and what not are some of those things at the moment. Will keep working at it, but the frustration is a tad much.

Archives

Jumped Rope

Entry the Five Hundred and Nineteenth

09 March 2003

Social Time/1/2 Marathon

Have started and stopped numerous entries this past week on my Palm. Oh well.

Long, long week. I took a rest day on Friday which was much needed. I had asked for the day off about a month ago, intending to do something or another that never materialized. But since the leave slip was in and approved, I took it. And it was great. Slept in an hour or so, brunch in Mount Pleasant, shopping downtown, got cat food, cleaned, napped, etc. So, so needed that.

As I needed the night out last night. I hadn't realized quite how much I needed it, actually, until I was out and around people and not sitting at home with my cats killing time on the computer. Don't get me wrong, I love my cats, but they're not great conversationalists. With Richard out of town until next Friday, and some other health mess I've been dealing with this week, I've been playing hermit, and that's not good for this extroverted Moose.

Dinner with Matt at Rosemary's Thyme Bistro. Drinks at Remingtons. Closed Omega. Got in some flirting, lots of talking, a couple of drinks. Altogether a good, good time.

Afterward, though, I signed myself up for the Rock and Roll 1/2 Marathon down in Virginia Beach on August 31 of this year. I kept saying I needed a goal, and now I have one! And now that I have something to focus on, I can already feel the courage screwing to the sticking point and my resolve to be healthier (i.e., get sleep, more water, better food, exercise, etc.) becoming more pronounced. The need for external motivation can be annoying as hell, but at least I can make it work for me. At times.

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Yoga workout

Entry the Five Hundred and Twentieth

12 March 2003

Several Entries at Once

03/2/28 9:01 a.m.

Popped in to see my building's resident services manager this morning. Told her I appreciated the good job her men always did with snow removal but that I wished Mother Nature weren't giving them so many opportunities to practice this year.

This snow is a beautiful one. Big, fat flakes all over the place. Different from the small pellets we got earlier this week. Now if I could just get my hair to behave after it's been under the obligatory hat. Not that I begrudge the hat hair (for once) - I'd rather have mild hat hair than have snow all over my ears and glasses.

Got a new cell phone last night at the AT&T store, after I complained to the manager about the lack of service. It's pretty spiffy, I like the size, and I was up late programming in my numbers (they really should be able to do that automatically!). Now the question becomes reception. Let's hope it's better than the last phone, though that one was not bad. My main complaints about the old phone, the size and weight, and the battery that constantly fell off after you'd had it for any period of time, have been resolved in this model, and I think I'll like this one a bit more.

No plans this evening, so I believe I'll either rest or bug someone for dinner.

03/3/2 6:47 p.m.

Took some pictures this evening, of Boris and of myself. Was feeling shuai so wanted a picture of it. Also wanted some closer, brighter evidence of the goatee. The prior picture was so scrawny as to be non-existent, and I wanted to show I actually can grow something on my chin besides zits.

Got a run in this afternoon as well. It kicked my ass, both from the snow on the ground and the lack of recent exercise. I really need to pick a race and register so I have a goal to work toward. That external motivation is precisely what I need, so I may go hunting for something local. I'm seriously considering the Rock & Roll Half Marathon for late summer since it's down near my parents and I could probably stay with them for the weekend.

At the moment I'm headed out to the 'burbs to see NRJTM and his man for dinner. I think he'll be slightly surprised that the goatee and longer hair are still in evidence. No matter, I wanted a change so I'm making one.

03/3/5 8:55 a.m.

I can't decide whether I should trim my beard or not.

I'm torn because on the one hand, the expected, societal norm is for a neatly trimmed beard, if a man has one at all. On the other hand, I'm still growing my hair out, so it's not like I'm all over societal norms at the moment. It comes down once more to the conflict I feel between fitting into the norm and expressing my sense of queer disdain for the norm.

I want the longer hair precisely because it does not "fit in." The beard, especially given my lack of ability to grow a full beard, has also been an expression of that.

03/3/11 8:32 a.m.

It's snowing this morning. Not enough to stick, but just enough to be noticeable as you walk around.

The farewell for our former co-worker Brian went well yesterday, despite Madam's non-re-attainment of a navel piercing (got there too late). Gazuza was nice, albeit fairly empty, and I think folks enjoyed themselves.

That has to be the most difficult part of war, watching your friends, relatives and neighbors leaving. I know with certainty that I will see Brian again, but that doesn't make the leave-taking any easier.

the snow is coming down harder the closer we get to downtown; it's even starting to stick to the bus windows

I've been hitting email more often of late, reopening some important lines of communication, and reviving something which I enjoyed a lot. I have allowed myself to slip into and out of habits this past year or two, and things like longer, more frequent email exchanges with important people is one that's coming back. It's fitting in with my whole "decide NOW!" thing I'm doing at work (don't let things sit, make a decision, work it or delete it, and move on), so is a good thing.

03/3/12 8:45 a.m.

Good meeting with the police last night, we finally made some progress on getting a neighborhood watch going, and things are looking up on the cooperation front. Losing our lieutenant was the best thing that could have happened to us.

Good run this morning. As suspected, having the outside motivator helps get me up and going in the morning for the daily run or yoga. I'm enjoying the yoga mini-workout I do post-run now. It helps stretch out the hamstrings and back, and leaves me feeling better later in the day. Balance.

I have several days worth of entries here in the Palm. Shall have to post those tonight while I do laundry. I'm back to southern Illinois next week for two nights, so I have to prepare for that as well.

Archives

Ran in RCP

Entry the Five Hundred and Twenty First

13 March 2003

The Strange Thing/Contact

Having an online diary is an odd thing, and has always been a mixed bag for me as far as reactions to it go. I never know, once someone finds this thing, whether it was something I wrote that made them disappear or whether they just freaked out at the whole idea of it. People still think it strange to put your "private" thoughts up on the web, no matter how many of us do it.

When I first started this diary one of the gentlemen I was seeing at the time, "didn't want [his] life broadcast." I respect that, and I try not to write about those folks in my life who would not be comfortable up here "broadcast" to the world. I seldom write about my parents or sibling, though I have touched on them when their influence is particularly strong. I don't open up as much as, say, Doug does, but every diary is different. Every person who journals does so for their own reasons.

Got a chance to talk to Richard this evening. He left WV early, skipping the post-graduation celebration with his classmates in favor of sleeping in his own bed. Dinner with him tomorrow evening with some fresh veggies I purchased this evening, post-neighborhood patrol (which didn't really happen because of the light rain we have this evening). Looking forward to seeing him after his most recent absence, and before I go running off to Illinois again next week for two nights.

Yoga this evening was very good. My heels continue to get closer to the floor in downward-facing-dog pose, meaning my hamstrings are loosening. I can straighten the legs when I'm bent in half just a touch more than I could when I started, and I briefly managed to grab my foot while in head-to-knee pose before reverting back to the strap. Slow progress, but good progress.

Quiet night tonight with the lack of a patrol. Had no real plans because of that, and the yoga was an added bonus. I tried to chat some on gay.com, but my heart wasn't in it. I have no desire for a random hook-up at the moment, and in any case I've been chatting with a lovely fella who's more fascinating that a random trick could be. He's helped spur me back to email communications, much to the delight of several friends who are suddenly hearing from me more regularly this week. Slowly, slowly I revert back to good habits, as well as the usual bad ones.

At the moment more than anything I crave touch. I've been more than a bit of a hermit the past few weeks, with little touch happening between myself and anyone else. The usual random, soft touches in conversation with friends just isn't enough. Thank heavens I'm seeing Richard tomorrow. I just want to wrap around and in him, perhaps use some of those massage skills I have (one of the more useful post-college classes I've taken). I just need some sort of intimate, though not necessarily sexual, connection, flesh to flesh. I'd never make it as a monk; I couldn't handle the isolation. Like a flower without sun or water I'd wilt back into the earth, fading down to nothing.

Archives

Yoga

Entry the Five Hundred and Twenty Second

16 March 2003

Exercise

I'm going to sleep like the dead tonight. Two mile run Friday, ran four miles on Saturday, biked to Hain's Point and back today. Definitely going to sleep well after all that activity.

And that's a lot for me of late! I've been a definite slacker, for multiple reasons, but no more. Did yoga after each workout, got nice and stretched out. It was interesting to see the different choices they did for the mini-workouts for running versus cycling. Running is all about lengthening the hamstrings and waist/back; cycling was all about opening the chest and reversing the hunched over position you get in for hours when you cycle. Both were good, and both were what was needed for the respective workout.

I actually found myself noticing how closed off the chest becomes when you bike today. I've not biked in a while, so it had been since before I started the yoga. When I was biking, I found myself lowering my torso some so I could move the arms out some and open up the chest on occasion, while taking a good, deep breath. And it wasn't that I felt constricted while biking, but I just felt the occasional need to stretch some.

This stuff is being good to me, and I'm glad I'm doing it.

Archives

Biked

Entry the Five Hundred and Twenty Third

25 March 2003

In & Out

Work sent me back to Southern Illinois last week, Wednesday-Friday. Got in yesterday morning, and was told I was heading back there, on a different matter, today (the 25th). Whee! Nothing quite like giving up on all semblance of organizing your work life and just running when they tell you.

To make it even better, Richard and I are working on different in & out schedules - we actually saw each other at the airport last Wednesday, him arriving and me departing. Very "Washington Power Couple." And very silly.

And, I also found out that I'll likely be headed back to San Francisco after an audit of one of their programs. Our office there did well for about 6 months after my last visit two years ago, then the internal controls broke down again and they're in need of assistance. This time they're sending stuff to us first, we'll review, then I'll go out for a lesser amount of time. I don't need to be there for two weeks this time. If I play my cards right, I'll be out there when Richard is there (not on business) at the end of April. Now that would truly be a "WPC" moment - arranging travel plans so you run into your mate in another city.

The last trip to St. Louis was good. I met with a friend who had been a very, very important part of my life in dumping The Ex. Took him out for a birthday/apology dinner, and got to chat and listen to what's up with him. He was looking much better than he had, and I think was more energetic than I remember. The next night I zipped out with G, danced some, counted that as my Friday exercise (*grin*), and got in okay to get sleep before zipping to the office the final day to go over last minute stuff before I flew back that evening.

I really do like St. Louis. It's a neat city, and I wish my earlier views on it had not been so poisoned by The Ex (who hated cities). I'd still not have stayed there post-grad school, DC was calling too hard for that, but I think I'd have had fonder memories without him there coloring my view of the place.

In any case, I'm outta here shortly to try and straighten up something else in our local field office. I'll try and post an update or two to my LiveJournal, but past that I'll be back here Friday evening.

Archives

Rest

Entry the Five Hundred and Twenty Fourth

31 March 2003

Just Thinkin'

Haven't wanted to post since I got back. Either too busy, or just not in the mood. I did a 5k on Saturday with Doug and I'll end up posting a race report later.

Took off today to argue with people (my bank, my insurance company, the people we're inviting to our commission next week...). For the most part it went well, all but one person got back to me, and I got what I wanted/needed from the rest.

I picked up The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People while on this last trip. I've been meaning to check the book out, just to see what the fuss is about it. It's recommended all over the place in various courses that the government teaches, so I thought perhaps I should read it.

It's been interesting so far. I'm up to Habit #2 in the readings, and it's been forcing a lot of thinking, especially in terms of my career. I don't know quite where I want to go, but I know that I don't want to go down to the general counsel's office any more. They've taken too long on this, and as much as I hate to admit it, my legal skills have atrophied somewhat from lack of use. I think I could pick it up, and I think I would make an adequate attorney for the government, but I don't think that's where I see myself ending up.

I went into the internship program I did because it was going to focus me on management. I've had some small tastes of that, and that seems more my cup of tea than sitting around in the lawyer's shop waiting for problems to be thrown my way. I've always been trained in leadership, through scouting, schooling, this internship, etc., and that's a big part of who I am. Those skills are needed, and I, no more or less than anyone else, enjoy feeling needed. And more to the point, I think I can work for the common good moreso as a manager than as a mere attorney. I can't advance very high through general counsel; I could on other paths.

So, I'll have to speak with the semi-big boss (a.k.a. my 2nd line supervisor, since I'm on a "team" again) sometime soon about where I might go, and what avenues might be open to me. I mentioned this to her in passing before I left last week, and she was more than eager to help. I just don't know where I'm going to go, and I need to talk to someone about what options there might be.

Archives

Rest