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Entry the Four Hundred and Thirty First08 May 2002 City Life Yesterday was one of those "this is why I love living in a city" days. :-) Wandered out of work, down to a bookstore. Didn't find the book I was looking for, so wandered a couple blocks to another bookstore. Ran into a friend who works there, chatted for a bit before he left to head home (couldn't talk him into dinner - drat!). Rang up another friend, met him for coffee (well, peppermint tea in my case). After a nice chat (and good tea) outside in wonderful weather, I wandered up the hill to a grocery stores for cereal, then on to another [organic] grocery store for more stuff (forgot I already had a box of falafel mix in my cabinet - oops!). Wandered home from there, made some dinner (veggie chili over a quinoa polenta with sunflower seeds - Yum!). Just being able to wander around like that, no need for a car (though a bike would have been handy *grin*), getting organic groceries, as well as hitting a "normal" grocery store, getting to sit outside for coffee and watch people of all stripes walk by. My kinda life. Side rant: I don't mind that a company wants to track my spending (well, I do, but I'm getting accustomed to it where I can't avoid it), and give me a discount (sales prices!) for the privilege. I do object, however, to paying them to collect my information. It simply adds insult to injury that they're going to make money off of selling my buying habits to everyone and his brother, and then they want me to pay them to do this!!! I don't think so! Take your "loyalty card" or whatever you call it this week, and shove it! So, altogether a nice day. Today is shaping up pretty well, too. Nice weather, again (can we keep this weather, huh? Can we?!??!). Actually, it's perfect weather - not too bright out, slight humidity, low 70s. Perfect. Archives |
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Entry the Four Hundred and Thirty Second09 May 2002 Talking So I went in to talk to the Big Boss about work-related stuff. Asked his opinion on a matter of law (he's also an attorney). He asked, toward the end, if there were someone in Legal Counsel's office that I trusted to talk to about it. I said no, they'd look at it, say it was my specialty, and bounce it back to me. He nodded, then asked me if that was where I wanted to work. I said yes. We then discussed the options, of having me down there as an administrative attorney (doing appropriations law, procurement [contracts], facilities, etc.). We also discussed the political climate around the move, and the [planned, hoped for] reorganization of the Legal Counsel's office. He then promised to push to get the admin. attorney position added downstairs, the next time he talked to the front office. I could have kissed him. :-) So, it now appears that all of the major players [managers] are on board with this plan, to add this position to the Legal Counsel's office, so I can do what I want to do, and be in an official attorney position. Now they just have to convince the front office to give them a position, and we're there. Patience. Not that I'm going to stop turning in applications to other places, but I'm more hopeful now that the Big Boss is on board. *whew* ... Side Rant: How do people watch television for hours on end? It's such crap. Blech. ... Got on gay.com this evening to chat some, catch up with some folks I'd not seen in ages. And who do I run into, but Jack. That brought back a lot of emotions from last summer/fall when we dated. You see, we never really ended anything, just sort of drifted apart. He seemed to take the terrorist attacks pretty hard, and definitely seemed to need some time alone, so I gave it to him. Never one to force myself on someone (well, when speaking of dating, that is), I couldn't find it in me to be pushy to him, so I let him have his time. But there was never a resolution to our relationship because of it. And now I find him online. And he's talkative. And it's good to talk with him. And I have no time to date anyone else. Presuming he would want to after this time [egotist that I can be]. Life is so confusing. Approach order in one arena and watch it dissolve in another. *shakes head ruefully* ... Looking forward to finally picking up the kitchen shelving I want from Ikea this weekend (hooray!). And I may have to look for a DVD-ROM drive as well; my current CD-ROM drive, loyal thing that it's been through at least two upgrades now, appears to be dying, and since it's my source of CD music now, it cannot be allowed to die. I will not be without music. Archives |
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Entry the Four Hundred and Thirty Third13 May 2002 Shopping/Cuteness So the weekend was one big consumer orgy. Ikea (didn't have my shelving - grrr!), Potomac Mills, etc. Was fun, but I'm glad I don't do that every weekend (anymore). Used to hit the mall once or twice a week with The Ex. Blah. Without TV to teach me how to filter out visual noise anymore, I find myself increasingly distracted and annoyed when I go to such places for too long. It was fun, don't get me wrong, but I don't want to do it every day any more. This week is odd, scheduling-wise, because Richard's out of town. Suddenly I have multiple days to try and see friends, so I'm attempting to do that. :) I see Doug tomorrow, another friend on Thursday, and trying to set up coffee with another livejournaler for Wednesday maybe? Dunno, we'll see. Tonight was one of those wasted cuteness evenings. Was feeling terribly cute (don't know why - the hair worked perfectly, the once-again-growing chin fuzz was looking good, etc.), and no one to spend that cuteness on. :-p Did laundry, chatted on gay.com, enjoyed the new DVD-ROM drive (oh, yeah, forgot to mention that - it was one of the big purchases this weekend and it's working wonderfully!), played some games, etc. Probably should have done more reading, but whatever. Wanted some silly time. But still not up to finding random sex partners (known sex partners would be another story, but not random ones), so the cuteness was just wasted by being here at home on my own. We need more cute, available queer boys in my building so I could at least show off. ;-) Yes, it was an ego evening. LOL! Archives |
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Entry the Four Hundred and Thirty Fourth14 May 2002 Access/Running As if I wasn't doing enough junk at work, I think I'm now going to be building an access database. Cool. :-) And I realized, when I got home this evening with Doug, that I have got to clean tomorrow. Didn't have time this past weekend to do my usual vacuuming, etc., and it shows. Ugh. I wish I'd been able to find that shelving at Ikea (grrr!) - I need the storage space to better put things away and have some surfaces free of books. Planning on getting decent sleep tonight, and will go running in the morning. I need to get back to a regular schedule of running, and make other things work around that schedule. Exercise has got to be made a more important part of my life, both for my weight and for my overall health. Tired of being tired, and not being happy with where my body is. As usual. ;-) Archives |
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Entry the Four Hundred and Thirty Fifth20 May 2002 Coming Home to Roost I am so... irritated. At myself. Actually, no, that's not true, I'm downright furious, but there seems little I can do about the situation. I've fucked up the relationship with Doug, seemingly beyond repair this time, and the lion's share of this is squarely on my shoulders. Fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck, fuck. Now that we've finally had a decent email exchange, the first one in quite a while, actually (again, mea culpa), he's brought up quite a range of issues which I was not seeing and handling, but which have just slowly eaten away at our relationship until nought but the bare shell seems to be hanging on. I treated him badly, I took him for granted, and now I'm losing him. Not in so many words, but it was the next best thing to a dear john letter for polyamorists. "Ramping down expectations" and "limiting time together" and turning the relationship into a mere friendship, where before there was a thriving, wonderful relationship. A relationship I managed to kill, as if killing a plant by withholding water and allowing it to wither on the vine. And while perhaps some bit of it can be salvaged, it won't be nearly as glorious as it was in full bloom, if it survives at all. So now my misdeeds come home to roost, demanding fair payment for their efforts. And pay I will, as ever I must, the true cost hidden until the end, hinted at, but not clearly perceived, at least not by me. How foolishly short-sighted I am. Archives |
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Entry the Four Hundred and Thirty Sixth23 May 2002 Better/Ex/Bike 02/5/22 1:52 p.m. Well, it went better than had originally anticipated, this conversation between myself, Doug, and Richard. My stomach has mostly calmed, and things seem to be moving in a positive direction. Now if we could just keep me under control, perhaps we'd not have as much drama. Case in point, my playing last week has led to a visit to my doctor this afternoon to take care of an apparent bacterial nastiness. Blech. So, not entirely drama-free as yet, but getting there. And now I have more of a reason to email Mr. Thursday. ;-p ... Speaking of Drama, I just ran into The Ex. Evidently he's still seeing our doctor and had the appointment before me. Ugh. He was coming in to check his cholesterol levels, he's on meds now evidently. The cats are doing okay, but are now at his mother's house and are indoor/outdoor beasts. He's gained weight (hence the cholesterol?), but otherwise seemed okay. And I still can't believe I just sat down and had a civil, meaningless conversation with him. Of all the days to see him. *roll eyes* Anyway. ... 02/05/23 Went bike shopping with the boys tonight. Doug picked out a mountain bike, Richard picked out a nice hybrid mountain bike, both seemed pleased with their purchases. I look forward to getting outside and riding with the two of them. Perhaps some time on the long weekend after they pick them up on Saturday. Also discovered that I'm just over my one year anniversary (01/05/17) for buying my own bike, but they'll do one more quick check for me on Saturday when I go down to help pick up. Yet another reason I like shopping at City Bikes. :-) They're good people. Picked up another pair of bike shorts and another jersey so I have some more clothes for riding in. Am not going to do so tomorrow because of the aforementioned bacterial nastiness - it's almost gone, but why get it in my shorts quite yet? Let it wait til Saturday when it's definitely non-contagious. Anyway, time for sleep, one more day this week, then a nice long weekend. Archives |
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Entry the Four Hundred and Thirty Seventh27 May 2002 Strong? I grow tired of the bluster with which I surround myself. I pretend to this strong self, this strong exterior, and yet it takes but a touch to dissolve the exterior in private, alone, and expose the tender bits inside. And how tired I grow of having tender, vulnerable bits to expose. I want no part of this vulnerability. I want nothing there that is available to be hurt, to be wounded so. I want nothing of disease, of weakness, of plain mortal flesh and passion. Passion but leads to pain, and pain is something from which I want nothing. I don't seem to be capable of collapsing and exposing weakness without being alone, and that bugs the living hell out of me. I want nothing of this solitude, yet release seems not to come without it. What more proof do I need to see that I'm not balanced? That I don't seem capable of regulating my own life? That I can't control myself to the extent to which I would like? I touch nothing, nothing illegal. I go to my job, I do it. I play by the rules. I try to keep myself safe, and yet I have to deal with illness, with weakness, with a life less optimal than I want. I fight with laziness, and laziness wins. The house isn't perfect, it's decorated like I'm still in grad school, I still have huge amounts of debt. Sure, The Ex is fat and has cholesterol problems, but who gives a fuck, I'm still living below where I imagined myself to be. And I'm not happy about it. But I've stuck myself with a work specialty that guarantees that I'll be stuck in the government for the rest of my life. No chance of even escaping for a few years to work off debt then come back. I suppose this is a general rant against the state of my life. And yet I have friends and folks who love me, cats who put up with me, places I go, a good place to live, and a city I love. Yet this unrest, this dissatisfaction pervades through things when the least little thing sets me off. How frustrating, to know these things are there, that they so counterbalance so many things in my life to the positive, and yet to discount them when things get tough. Emotions can so suck at times. Archives |
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Entry the Four Hundred and Thirty Eighth28 May 2002 Messy Well, the good news is that my cholesterol is only 139, well below any sort of risk levels. :-P Had to run to the doctor again today, follow up from the playing I did two weeks ago. The news was... not as bad as it might have been, but not 100% free and clear. Bottom line, he suspects I was exposed to oral herpes, which would be annoying, but not life-threatening. Easier to deal with than HIV (of which I'm still free and clear as of the blood test from last week - must remember to get another check in 6 months), but still a "permanent" virus that doesn't leave the system. If this is the case, it shouldn't flare up again, but if it's not, we have to see what the hell else is going on. Blech. Sex is messy, my friends, and that mess can be a royal pain. Which is not to say that sex isn't a good, enjoyable thing, just that it's a crap shoot, even when you're ostensibly safe. So, now I wait to hear from the latest tests. In the meanwhile, I'm more sure of what is bugging me and I can deal with it better. Knowledge helps, control can be re-established, and calm reinstated. A little chaos at times is fine, but not quite so much at once, eh? Archives |
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Entry the Four Hundred and Thirty Ninth30 May 2002 Not Bad I want to go back to the training that I was in the past two days. Being out of the office, yet in the office was nice. :-) Got to think about policy stuff and not so much nitty-gritty details of what we do day-to-day. But was back to work instead today. Wasn't too bad. I'm off to Delaware next week for work, Wilmington to be exact (Drop me a line if you live there or will be there next week and want to hang out). I like the office there, and I think it'll be a good trip. The laundry gods were smiling on me this evening, too. Got through all four loads with only one trip each to the dryers. I almost never get through the cycle with using only one cycle in the dryers here in the building. It was amazing. So I used the time savings to vacuum the apartment and get the cat litter out. Woo-hoo. Was a good, if not terribly exciting, night at home getting things done. Got to lunch with Doug and Richard today, nice Indian food for moi (they had sushi - thank heavens for the food court, lots of choices and everyone's happy *grin*). Was good to see them both, chat for a bit, shock the children by kissing Richard in the food court (did the same to Doug when we parted after getting some frozen dessert closer to my office). Tourists are so much fun to shock, especially the really sheltered ones. ;-) Not much else going on. The rash is a tad better today, though of course still annoying as all hell. :-p I continue to drug it, and wash it, and try to make sure it's kept in check until it's done and over with. Hopefully with the drugs it'll run its course at a faster pace, as it's meaning I don't really feel like running, and not much like biking, either. Some biking on the weekend is fine, but I'm not thrilled at the idea of biking to work with it - no need to attract more attention to it at the gym at work. Archives |
