02 June 2000

Zone

I don't know what it was about today, but it was just a Good Boss Day. Why, you ask? Because when my boss had questions, the answers were on the tip of my tongue. When she asked for an assignment, it had been put in her box the night before. When she asked for another one, it was almost finished and handed in shortly thereafter. And when she asked for a third one, it was in well under her time deadline, including a nice long discussion of the work and what it meant. To top it off, I had answers for everyone else who called or came in for advice on the various programs I manage, the answers made sense and they were happy with them. If only all Fridays could be this way.

Maybe it was the salmon I had at lunch. Maybe it was the fact that I'm functioning on little to no sleep (but a cup or two of caffeine), having decided that human contact was far more important than sleep last night after class. Maybe I'm just insane and I'll wake up from this dream shortly and realize I still have to go to work yet. Let's hope not, this is too good a feeling.

Got out of class last night, as I said above, and went to happy hour. Why, pray tell, would I inflict this on my body? Why cut out yet another hour or two of much-needed sleep? Because I'm far too much the extrovert to deal with this self-isolation. I'd go insane in solitary confinement; I need human contact to retain my health, so off to visit friends I went. It was very nice to see folks, I'm very glad I went. This schedule has been bugging me to no end, getting home at o-dark-thirty and then having to check my email, look over my list and make sure they've not killed each other, and then try and get some sleep, wake up the next morning, run and start it all over again. Ugh! A few more weeks, just a few more weeks.

Being up til this hour makes me punchy, so when I've spoke with G at night I almost bit his head off. :-( Which of course made me more upset at myself (and even punchier) until I just had to cut off the conversation and go to bed. There are just times when you have to say, "Yes, I would love to talk to you, but not now because I have to take time for ME to recover a bit so I can be civil to you and not bite you head off when I don't really want/mean/need to do so." I apologized to him today for it 'cause I really did feel godawful about it.

And tonight I'm going to skip out of work early so I can go get real food (well, McDonald's, but close enough to real food) rather than snarfing a PowerBar for dinner before class. Don't get me wrong, PowerBars are a good thing, but not as your entire dinner. Blech. Hopefully this'll help keep me from wanting to eat the entire contents of the refrigerator when I get home at 10 - 11 p.m. That's gotten very old, very fast (not to mention very bad for my little body).

Pet Peeve of the Day: Men who breathe loudly while in the bathroom or in an elevator. I just don't get it. Do they not realize that this is a possible indicator of a serious health problem? It's just so unnerving to stand next to them and listen to them inhale and exhale.

Signed up for another race (yes, Virginia, there is a racing bug and it's bitten me.). Two weeks, the D.C. Lawyers Have Heart 5k, sponsored by the American Heart Association and a whole ton of local law firms. And I've convinced several friends that they should either run or do the 3k walk, so it should be a good time. :) I'm really looking forward to a second run - the first was such a rush!

05 June 2000

Up and Down

Where to begin? In the interests of trying to let each entry stay up, at least for a few hours, I'm trying to play catch up in one entry rather than multiple small ones that make people go hunting through the archives for them. You see, gentle reader, you are in my mind when I write this.

An up-and-down weekend emotionally. After needing to go out on Thursday night (and it really was a need for human contact of some sort by that point), I stayed in Friday. Chatted online, had someone over for a fun encounter, generally got little to no sleep, then up and at it Saturday morning.

Got in my long run on Saturday. I like that I am pushing myself once per week, seeing how far I can go. I'm going to have to replace my shoes, though, as they are most decidedly dead now and are giving me knee difficulties because of it (been there, done that, not worth it!). Since I'm racing in two weeks this is a must do this next weekend, too. I'm not racing on bad shoes. :-P

After the run I had brunch with a friend of mine. It was good to see him and spend some time alone, just hanging out, having food, wandering around Old Towne Alexandria, etc., etc. A nice, calm Saturday afternoon, though perhaps a few more calories in my system would have been better. ;-) I came home and snarfed a huge bowl of veggie chili - my body was crying out for calories since, even with the long run, all I'd had was some Gatorade, coffee and a single bagel all morning/afternoon up til about 3pm-ish. Not smart! So I ate, then hopped online to talk with folks. Spent quite a while on gay.com, talking with old friends, chatting with new friends. Got bored later in the evening and wanted to go out, but for some reason no one wanted to go the Eagle with me. ;-) Caught lots of flack, in fact, for wanting to go to such a "scuzzy" place. I don't consider the Eagle scuzzy at all. Yes, it's rougher than your average clone bar. Yes, people smell like, well, people, and not like the latest designer fragrance (or whatever effect club drugs have on sweat - some of those drugged out boys stink!). So what? These people need to get out into the rest of the world and see what happens outside of the U.S. where normal folks aren't over-sanitized and totally scentless. Yes, it's darker, too. So what - your eyes will adjust. Beer costs about the same as any place else, the music is a much better mix of old and new (trace - yum), and people are good about bugging off if you tell them politely to do so. And yes, it's a leather bar so yes, you're going to see things that don't normally make their way into the dance clubs. Waah. Deal with it.

So anyway, a friend with whom I'd chatted before but whom I had not met came online and asked if anyone wanted to go the Eagle. Bingo! So off I went, after changing into something a tad more appropriate than the khaki shorts and button down I had been wearing. *grin* It was a good time. Had a couple of beers, chatted with this guy. Another friendship (non-sexual) bonding moment - two in one day! I don't seem to get a lot of those, I think I tend to be a tad too open (perhaps?) to other possibilities. Hmmm. Something to ruminate over. But anyway, yet another good evening, but yet another evening with little to no sleep.

So Sunday I got up late, again. It was cloudy, so the original plans CL and I made to go sunbathe flew out the window (not that I was terribly upset - I'm no sun worshiper, as anyone can tell you from seeing my albino-like arms). Went down and met him for lunch, shopped some, went back to his place to listen to the CD's we'd just bought and, well, ended up taking a nap over there. Among other things. When we finally got up we went and had a nice dinner half-way to Adam's Morgan, then I wandered home and dealt with the emotional fallout from my afternoon with CL with Doug and G.

You see, I had turned my cell phone off while I was at lunch, both because I dislike being disturbed at mealtimes and because I am increasingly taking the attitude, both at home and with the cell, that the cell phone is there to serve me, not the other way around. Having a cell phone, however, tends to give people the idea (rightly or wrongly) that you are always available to take their call. Not an indictment of them, this is a tendency in our culture towards always being plugged in and connected and able to be accessed. I don't always choose to be connected, though. It was easier when I had my pager because then I could ignore it when it went off - it wasn't like I even had the option of picking the thing up and talking to the person who was trying to reach me. But I enjoy the convenience of having the cell now. If I need to call someone, I have the capability of doing so, unlike the pager. So anyway, I turned the thing off and forgot to turn it back on. Neither Doug nor G seemed particularly amused by this development. I was not as available as I normally am, and since the phone was cutting straight to voicemail it was giving the appearance that I was avoiding them. Not a good combination, let me tell you.

So, upon getting home I called Doug and we talked for quite a while and this, that and the other. It was a very important conversation, we got a lot of stuff off of our respective chests and out in front of both of us (since the act of revealing those emotions/concerns is as important a revelation to the speaker as it is to the listener, I have found). As with any large event, there will be changes in some of the dynamics of how we deal with each other once G is living here, as there will be changes once I am done with the bar exam, and when Doug starts law school full time to finish up his final semester this fall and then starts bar prep and job hunt for himself. But we'll weather that. It has helped me a great deal to be exceedingly sympathetic to him because of my own experience with law school and the like, and I've promised to give him much of the support he needs. Just as how last night he needed to be supported in dealing with feelings about my actions and future plans, so I did what I could.

Then had to call G and talk with him for a bit, again soothing jangled nerves. One issue with us has been calling long distance, since he's still in St. Louis for at least the rest of this week. Oh how I long for the day when I am in private practice and I can up the number of calling minutes on my cell plan so I don't have to be as hyper with folks on the minutes as I was this month. I suspect I went over, and I'll find out next week, but whatever. So talked with G, soothed over some nerves. He's got a case of the flu at the moment, not feeling well at all, and that was contributing to his distress. Ugh. At least he wasn't pulling the typical American male, "I'm sick therefore I have the right to act like a 4 year old."

So, an anti-climatic, though necessary end to a weekend.

Today was a trip, though. I have stopped shaving my chin and upper lip, on a lark, and so I was catching grief for that today at work. Walking into one office, which happens to be shared by a grandmother and a mother with a teenager, and another other of the office's moms was in there, so I caught some major (joking) grief from them over it. I'm still undecided on this thing, I have to at least keep it through Tuesday night so Doug can see it when he does his (hopefully) regular Tuesday night visit. I will likely keep it until at least the end of this week. It does make a difference on my face, makes it a tad darker, of course, and I combed my hair down today, so that was looking different, too. An interesting Monday.

07 June 2000

Preparing

G arrives in less than three days.

Doug and I had a major back-and-forth about this the past few days. Last night was the climax, I think. He came over for his normal Tuesday night visit and we had a very deep conversation about what G's moving in will mean for the two of us (Doug and I), and where G and I are going in terms of a relationship, etc., etc. G and I spoke on the phone before this and we agreed that it was more important to get G out to DC and to open his horizons to the opportunities to be had here as far as jobs versus back home for him, so we're going to be on hold in the romantic department.

Crisis averted, I suppose.

I took some time off this morning, slept in, got some much needed rest. I'm going to actually get some dinner tonight (Mickey D's again) as opposed to the normal PowerBar that has become my routine. My diet is shot, but it doesn't have to be quite the stressor that I've let it become in the past week. No run this morning, either, as I really need to get some new shoes. Mine are shot for running and my knees are not happy with it. So I'm taking the week off to get rest in the morning and give the knees time to recover before I start hitting them again this weekend after I get new shoes. :-)

I do look forward to G coming out. I genuinely like the man as a friend, and I've missed having someone in the apartment - I'm far too social a creature sometimes for my own good. And the rent help right now means a sooner search for a new apartment after the bar, too. It will enable me to have a tad more cash on hand to put down for a deposit on a nicer place, one with more bedrooms than just the one so I can get out of here, give G some privacy (assuming we get along as famously in person as we are online and that he wants to move with me), perhaps open up for another roommate and an even larger place. Capitol Hill might not be bad, nor would the area north of Dupont. I just want access to running places (so staying in Northwest near Rock Creek Park is a priority), the grocery store and a bus line. :-) Not much to ask for, I think.

Oh, I got fan mail! Too cool! A reader sent me to Susie Bright's web page, 'cause Susie had mentioned polyamory in a newsletter she distributes and he thought I would be interested in it (I was and am). I've not gotten but a few pieces of fan mail, one way or another, so this was nice, especially seeing as the last piece I got referred himself from Doug's site and proceeded to call me "butt uggly" (his misspelling, not mine!). What a mess. So this was much more pleasant to receive than that had been. ;-)

So, another up and down week. Stress and de-stress, stress and de-stress. Didn't help that last night's class was absolutely godawful. The instructor (on tape, of course) was too damned fast, didn't give us a handout, followed an outline they hadn't told us to bring in, etc., etc., etc. She was just wretched. This is not what I paid almost US$1600.00 for! And to top it off, when leaving class a foreign lawyer who had taken the February Bar said they tested the topic, Creditor's Rights, heavily on that one. Ugh! Oh well, that's what Sunday morning is for (studying)!

Okay, time to wrap this up and get my tush out the door to McDonald's and some food before Corporations law tonight.

09 June 2000

Dreams

I was moving into a new apartment. It had lots of windows, multi-level floors - there were sunken floors in various places, in a large building. Wood everywhere, hardwood floors. Someone was helping me move my things in. It was a two bedroom, two bath, huge living room between the two bedrooms. I don't remember there being a kitchen, though. Strange, that I'd not notice a room I like to spend so much time in. Picked one of the rooms and was moving my things into it, new things, low furniture, very Japanese-esque, space saving things. Then, in the middle of setting things up, we started a jigsaw puzzle. I can't remember much about the jigsaw, save that we had all the sides, but the middle was eluding us. Then the other occupant of the apartment came in. She zipped around, flitting from space to space a tad hyperactively. My friend and I moved into the living room to go get more things to move into my room. When we came back in, the woman had moved my things out of the room I'd chosen and set them up in the other bedroom. There were now several jigsaw puzzles on various tables. For some reason I grew apprehensive of the woman and closed the door to the bedroom to take time to rearrange my things. The jigsaw puzzle had been moved into the second bedroom without being disturbed. Then the feeling of apprehension grew, and we locked the door and dead bolted it. I recall looking for another exit from the room, preferably into the building. There were no blinds on the window and everyone walking through the hallway outside could see right in. Actually, the walls were all window, though with thick wooden frames framing them. Dark wood, recessed several inches. Wood paneling and doors. We located a door, but hadn't taken it yet. The apprehension grew - we couldn't stay with this woman, she was dangerous for some reason. Then I woke up to go to work.

What the hell?

I never remember my dreams. I think sometimes when I do remember them, as above, that I'd be better off not remembering them! They tend to be disjointed things, often playing scenes over and over again. I know I fall in them 'cause sometimes I wake up from it, feeling as if I've just plunged back into the mattress.

How bizarre.

...

G will be here in about 5-7 hours. He got started late, of course. ;-) That happens when you drive halfway across the country with your entire life packed in your car. I'm taking the time (here at midnight) to do the massive loads of laundry that have piled up the past couple of weeks. Six loads at once. I think that's a record even for me, the master laundry procrastinator. Soon as it's done I'll grab a few hours of sleep so I can be semi-rested when he gets in early, early tomorrow morning.

...

Doug mailed me a conception of what primary boyfriends are this evening. I say a conception because it is, and always will be, a changing definition, from day to day or even from hour to hour. The flexibility of polyamory is the difficulty of polyamory sometimes. We're at a good equilibrium now, and I'm sure we'll weather other storms, but for now we're sailing steady. He's having a good time out dancing tonight. I hope he finds a friend, that'd be good for his ego. Not that his ego needs a boost, but who wouldn't want to know people find them attractive? *grin*

...

Speaking of dreams, I started pushing more on my job search. Madam has been having problems with her own job stuff and I think that finally pushed me to go ahead and get off my ass and get moving, so I called my law school's career services office, got several pointers, am getting some things mailed to me, checked out Martindale Hubbell (a large "Who's Who" of lawyers), and mailed my resume to several friends for their review and comments. I've got to get out of my office and get into a law job. I am wasting my talents now in my current job - it was a good alternative right out of school when I didn't want the billable hours, but I need a legal job now, especially with all this bar prep stuff. The Deputy Director was right, once I have that bar membership, the hell with the Department, I'm out into the private sector where I can get more challenges and more reward for those hours.

Time to switch the laundry, then time for bed on freshly washed sheets. :-)

10 June 2000

Change

Life is change. Life is inconstant. Life is chaos. Life is water, pooling around, searching out avenues to flow ever downward, following the opportunities that come before it, choosing one way or another to go ever onward and to avoid stagnation. Yes, it will pool in an area for a while, but given the chance off it goes, ever seeking the low places.

(Thank heavens for eastern philosophy and its ways of describing things. They make so much more sense than western models of action and movement and rapidity in so many circumstances.)

G is here. This man with whom I'm corresponded for the last month is here finally with his worldly possessions scattered about the apartment. Now what is this going to mean? Who knows? Certainly not I at the moment. A lot of things seem to have converged and are now held in my hands and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle them.

Not that any decisions need to be made tonight as I sit here, sipping a beer and answering emails. Not that I need to decide anything tomorrow, when I have Doug over to have dinner with G and I. Nor do I need to decide anything the day after or the next day or the next.

Of course, not deciding is, in and of itself, a decision. And not one I'm willing to make (deciding on inaction). I care for these men, Doug and G, and I don't want to hurt them. But neither do I want to make myself miserable. I can and will bend quite far to accommodate their feelings - that's part and parcel of any relationship in my book. But I need to decide what it is that I want, too. I don't know yet. I will know eventually, but not tonight it seems.

The water has pooled, and while it searches out the paths, it has not broken through to flow down once more.

Life is change. Life is inconstant. Life is chaos. Life is water.

16 June 2000

I Quit

I quit my email list today.

Well, not really. But I did tell them I was taking a break from it. This existence of getting up, running (or not), going to work for eight hours, walking to school, starting school for 3-4 hours per night, then getting home, checking email, snarfing some calories (because I don't get any decent amount of calories before class starts at 6), then going to sleep in time to get 4-6 hours before the next morning has gotten really old, really fast. So something had to be cut, and the list is it. I don't _need_ to read all that email in the evenings when I get home. I'm not really reading it at the moment anyway, truth be told. I only have time to skim it. But I need more sleep, so phooey on the list for a few weeks.

They damn well better behave, too. If I have to hop back on to referee, heads are going to roll.

And this diary. Ugh. I have so wanted to update it all week, but have not found/taken the time to sit and write. Ugh. And with a race tomorrow, that entry will be assured (race report #2!). So this diary languishes. Which is a shame. It's not like my life isn't progressing, I'm just not having the time to write about it.

So, summary of this past week: had way too much caffeine, stressed way too much about silly things, have a mouth full of canker sores, didn't sleep well enough and am about to run a race.

Blech.

Diet & sleep have gone out the window (not tonight - I get home tonight and off to bed I go - not even going to dial in, just home, possibly food, pop a melatonin, then off to sleep!). I want to eat real food, really I do! The latest issue of Cooking Light magazine I bought today didn't help. All sorts of yummy looking recipes (most of which, for once, DIDN'T involve cheese or dairy in some form). *tummy grumbles for real food* I think I need to grocery shop tomorrow. Maybe I'll make one of the salmon recipes. Hmmm.....

This from the boy who revelled in eating a Frank & Stein jumbo hot dog for lunch. ;-) And who is going to stop at Mickey D's for dinner on his way to class. :-P

No one said I have to be consistent. Well, except for me.

Okay, off to class. One more day of Evidence ("It's hearsay, I tell you, hearsay!"), then three of real property followed by three of contracts. Whee! What incredible fun.

17 June 2000

Race 2

Got up at my normal time (6 a.m.) with a definite idea of my schedule for the morning. I was going to run the 5k event at the "DC Lawyers Have Heart" race (and for some reason that title always get snickers from the non-lawyers in the bunch). I've run one of these once before and it worked well the last time, so here we go again. Got up and got ready, put on a nice running shirt, shorts, got my new shoes ready and a fresh pair of socks, bundled up a change of shirt in case we went for coffee and off we went to the race.

Parking was a zoo, but not too bad. Found some on-street parking so we didn't have to pay for the garage. Went down the registration and entered The Horrors. Now, the last race I did we got there half an hour before and that was oodles of time to get registered, stretch, etc. This race was much larger than the last one. Consequently, there were multiple tables, no one knew which table to go to, the racers were all getting frustrated at the disorganization. Got my stuff eventually, then remembered (as I went to put the chip on) that I'd not switched to my running shoes yet. Hiked back to the car, took a quick jog downhill to the race site, met up with Doug and then over to the starting line.

Ohmygod, there are so many people here. And all these "team" shirts from the various law firms in town. I was glad to see they got lots of people out to run, but wow. Took a spot near the back (too near the back), prayed I was in the right place for the 5k (I was), and stretched some.

No audible signal was heard back where I was, we couldn't understand the person with the megaphone, but suddenly the crowd started forward at roughly 8 a.m this warm June morning. Did get to run lightly over the starting line, then around a corner and uphill. What a way to start! I'm glad I run in Rock Creek Park so I'm used to the hills. Anyway, up the hill, another left turn, then out in the sun on M Street. Ran for a block or so with the crowd, chafing at the slow pace at which we were going. Finally I took cues from some fellow runners and went up on the sidewalk so I could get to my pace. I didn't want to be on the sidewalk, but we were so crowded that it was the only way to be able to pass folks without trampling them.

Knees felt fine, new shoes (purchased the week before and broken in on a couple of runs) were doing well, body felt okay, mind was losing the frustrations of the registration table and I was finding my pace okay. Then came the turnaround and the sun in our faces instead of at our backs. Yuck. It was a tad warm that way. I did take some water this time when I passed the water table, though I'm not sure why I did. I didn't really need it and most of spilled down my front. I don't think that's something I'll repeat on a simple 5k unless I really need the extra hydration. It was more frustration than it was worth, in other words.

The last half mile was more difficult than the last time. I rarely run this late in the day (I know, 8 a.m. is late? For me and running, yes), especially in the summer, so I'm not used to the heat even if I am used to the humidity and the hills. The sun wasn't cooperating as we ran back down M Street, either. But I made the turn onto 31st Street and the shade and the last downhill bit of the course. I could've run faster on the downhill, and many people did and many people passed me on that downhill. I did speed up some, but not to the point that I was sprinting through the finish line. Wasn't worth it.

From the time on my watch (going through the gate as late as I did I was not paying attention to the "official" time) I was close to my last time. They've only posted the winners, not the total times, so I'm not sure where I stand. Somewhere around 28 minutes. On a tougher course with a later start that's not too bad. Not as nice as I would have liked to have done, but not bad.

Next time I'm getting there earlier, though.

19 June 2000

Realignment

This weekend was a major realignment for me. If it's any indication of how bad it was, I canceled a date on Sunday. I never cancel dates, or even dinner appointments, for that matter. I felt awful for it, but I just needed the time away from humanity.

Sunday was a massive amount of downtime, followed by much needed grocery shopping (I can't believe G and I bought that many groceries - the cupboards are full to bursting!), then studying. Finally.

The race went well, if not quite what I expected. You'll just have to visit the previous entry to get the full race report. After the race I got my social quota for the week, a nice museum trip with friends followed by some good dim sum for lunch. Problem with all of this: it wasn't studying. I ended up napping most of the afternoon, trying to fight off a weather-and-exercise-related lethargy. That evening I cleaned up the place (an orderly environment being pretty necessary for me to focus on studying), hopped online for a bit and then developed The Headache From Hell.

I don't get headaches very often. Occasionally when a strong storm front is working through I'll get a front-related one that no drug seems to touch (acupressure is another story, but that gets tiring after a while). Saturday night's seemed to be a combination of stress, lack of calories, storm front and just general blah feelings. Maybe the leftovers from the head cold this past week. In any case, nothing was touching this beast. I was almost in tears - it was that bad. Not a migraine from what I've heard described of those, but it was miserable. So I did what I know works in such instances; I downed a bottle of Cabernet.

I don't advocate use of alcohol to drown one's sorrows, but this circumstance was was unusual. The headache went away by the 3rd glass or so (of 5 in the bottle?), which was a blessing. Got nice and silly, giggling at every little thing, and then went to bed at some point (after sucking down an ibuprofen and a whole ton of water - no sense chasing The Headache From Hell with a hangover!). Slept well, thankfully, then up at almost quarter til 11. Called CL to cancel on him (ugh!), putzed into the kitchen, cleaned some dishes (and drank a ton more water and another ibuprofen, just in case, though I felt no headache Sunday morning), cleaned myself (warm showers are so comforting), cleaned some more dishes, got food and coffee and chilled for a bit.

The joy of the day after drinking like that is that everything is very mellow. It's like the alcohol has captured all the extra nervous energy and removed it from your system. This is, I suppose the allure of drinking all the time. I don't need many days like that, but they aren't altogether unpleasant when they happen.

I needed to come down like that so I could concentrate again and put things back in perspective. I did finally get to study and calm all the nervous energy that had been zipping around inside. Having the house in order, having food in the house again, knowing that things were set up and that I had no immediate other needs for survival was a great feeling. So, knowing "God's in his heaven, all's right with the world," I was able to get down to brass tacks and hit the books. I quickly realized that the full outline is way too detailed for me, so switched to the mini-review. Much better.

But finding time over the next 6 weeks to get fully prepared and to catch up despite my early lethargy is going to be a challenge. I'm almost there, the attitude is definitely here now, I just need to make it happen. I can do it, it's just a shame it took such a drastic change to get myself on course.

23 June 2000

Centum

One hundred entries. I would think this should be a more momentous occasion, but it doesn't seem like it. :-) Not as exciting as the redesign to the current look, not as strange as starting the diary in the first place, not as odd as having my life (such as I write about) on view for the world.

Harumph.
:-)

Things are generally percolating along in Mooseland. I discovered the Rocky and Bullwinkle movie web site today. LOL! I love it! My poor work computer is now covered with R&B stuff (screen saver, wallpaper, etc.). Too cool! I am looking forward to this movie coming out - a true Moose classic, I'm sure. ;-)

Not that I don't fully expect it's going to be corny as hell. *chuckle*

Work has been nice, all the managers were all out at a big organization-wide conference so we were able to get other projects worked on. Yeah, right. We goofed. :-p Not perhaps the best use of my time, but hey. It's not like I wrote tons in my diary this week, I just kind of took it easy and stayed calm. Taking the time off from my list has been a huge relief. It's running well the few times I've checked on it, so my absentee period seems to be doing okay. The pressure coming off really has been nice. I can actually calm myself down in the evening and concentrate on coming down off the day and getting ready to go to sleep. A good decision, then.

Oh, and I got to ditch the ties for the week. Yes! It does get so tiring wearing ties all week. :-P Not that my business casual attire is normally up to a full week of wear, but the laundry load last night helped!

....

In the meantime the diet languishes, the exercise falls behind, sleep is left in the dust and the classes continue. I decided to bring back the facial hair this past week, which is a trip and a half. Between my co-workers telling me I have "dirt" on my face (*grin*), and other friends telling me they love it, I'm a conflicted little mess on the issue. I think it looks ridiculous, but I'm going to give it more time this time around to see how thick it gets. :-) Who knows, it might work after all! If so, the Moose gets another new look post-The Ex. Won't be the first, won't be the last. And one does like to change, just to keep friends on their toes. ;-)

Especially since I don't get to see any of them til after the bar anyway. So why not shock them?

24 June 2000

Frustration

I can't sleep again. Too much caffeine today I suppose. That and nerves. I am incredibly nervous about this upcoming bar exam. I will do okay, but I don't feel like I have the time to adequately prepare for it. Add to it my general lack of sleep because of my schedule, and a body which doesn't want to cooperate with me as far as healing and staying well and I am not a happy camper.

But that's not the frustration that bugs me tonight. No, the particular frustration that is getting to me tonight is the situation between me and G.

G asked if I had written about him lately and I said I hadn't. He seemed amused that I had dropped him from the diary since he'd moved out. It's not like he hasn't been in mind, he just hasn't been in text. No, unfortunately he's keenly in mind, but I don't seem to be able to do anything about it. Three weeks ago I agreed to forebear a romantic relationship with him because of Doug's discomfort with this situation, of me living with someone who was romantically involved with me (when that someone was not Doug). Doug has since indicated that it would be okay to proceed, but it isn't. Doug says one thing at once instant and another the next. The signals I get both from him in person and from his diary are terribly mixed - I don't feel like I can rely on either one fully because neither truly represents where he stands on this issue (because it doesn't seem that he himself is sure where he is on the issue). All I know is that he is uncomfortable with it, and despite his protestations to the contrary, he's not likely to be comfortable with it any time soon. So I've not acted for Doug's sake.

But I've also not acted for G's sake. He's not fully comfortable with the idea of polyamory - he wants that "one special man" in his life and I can't be that for him; I'm polyamorous right now and that's not changing. His ideal is that of the dominant Western culture - that one monogamous relationship that an individual is supposed to fold into and wrap his entire identity into. I lived that for almost 6 years, and I can't do it again. At least not any time soon. I won't rule it out entirely for the future (I try and make it a habit not to rule things out entirely), but it's not for me at this point in my life.

It's not even like I simply want to jump his bones, either, as one friend suggested I do (actually, his suggestion was to go ahead and have sex with G and let the chips fall where they may - I can't do that to either G or Doug or myself). Yes, sex would be fun, and good, and satisfying (or so I'd like to think), but there is more to what I want/wanted with G. I have a crush on him - if I were to have something with him, I would prefer it to be more than a purely physical relationship. He's an incredible person, bright, quick, knowledgeable. It would be neat to curl up with him on the couch and watch movies, or to sit and talk about his plans for the future. He's not just someone I want/wanted to take to bed; I want to know him for the neat person who he is.

I put these things in the present and past tenses because I'm not sure how I feel at the moment. Part of my problem in all of this is the ridiculous pressure I feel at the moment with this bar crap, intellectually, emotionally and physically. Add to that the fact that G has just returned to a city he left several years ago and is looking for employment (anyone need a bright computer person on their staff here in D.C.?) and you have two men living together who are very emotionally vulnerable. Not necessarily the best grounds on which to start a relationship. Yes, we talked (extensively) before he moved out, and we established a base on which something could grow, but trying to do something here and now with both of us under pressure to do things in our professional lives which are not necessarily the easiest things to do is to add more than a pinch of volatility to a relationship. If it's just as a very good friend I'm destined to know him, then so be it.

But does it have to be so fucking miserable in the meantime? We're in this limbo where we're neither lovers nor are we "just friends." I don't feel like I can act on my desires and neither does he - as he put it, "sex shouldn't be complicated." It's never entirely uncomplicated because of its ties to emotion, but he's right here - there are too many potential pitfalls in our current situation. So I suppose we'll continue with the status quo, but it's not the most comfortable place to be.

...

So here I sit at close to 3 a.m. pouring my frustrations out. At times like this it's annoying that there aren't other poly folks here in D.C. that I could talk to about these situations. There are no "older brothers/sisters" with whom I can discuss these developments. No one to turn to for advice. It's not like I can go and pour this out on either one of these two men. They're both involved. They're not objective. But there's no one else I know of to talk to about how to deal with this. Sometimes I hate polyamory. I haven't felt this bad since Tim and I broke up (looking back I can see I had something of a crush on him, too). Despite the networks of family and friends we try to establish as polyamorous people, when you're still relatively new to this there aren't the support networks out there for you. It's not like coming out as gay where there's this huge community to turn to for support and advice. It's a smaller group, and more mixed in terms of sexualities. Blah. It's 3 a.m., I'm frustrated, tired and feeling isolated. I need to go to bed and get some sleep. Things won't be resolved tonight, so sleep it is.

28 June 2000

Stress

You can tell it's audit time in my office again. A woman just wandered by my office asking herself, "Where did I put my pen? I just had it..." Then she wandered back by about 30 seconds later saying, "Damn it, it was on my ear..." Gotta love stress. :-)

Voted yesterday (and I have a larval entry about civic duty bouncing around inside my palm pilot). My vote wasn't on the winning side, but no matter, I can live with the compromise that was voted in (school board restructuring). I worry because of the possibility of getting Mayor Barry back into office (disastrous moron of an executive officer that he was). Having him appoint members of the school board is one the worst things that could happen to this city (well, past re-electing him in the first place).

I have a practice examination on Friday for the bar exam. Eeck! I don't feel nearly prepared enough. I'm taking tomorrow off to get some rest (sleep!) and studying in. Otherwise I'll simply be too stressed to do anything on this practice exam. Ran into one of our attorneys who used to work for the Virginia Bar and he assures me that the practice test will be harder than the actual test. I certainly hope so!

Anyway.

Yes, I am severely bored at work today. :-) Like most days lately.

...

Well, I should write more, but I'm back at home, I need to get to bed - long class tonight (four freaking hours!!!), Doug is here (woo-hoo!) and I'm tired as all hell. I think I'm going to skip work tomorrow. I'm already off on Friday, but I need Thursday to study. Ugh! Never enough time to get all this mess done with. *sigh*