03 April 2000

Alone ain't quite so bad

The furniture's rearranged, vaccuming's done, kitchen's clean, dishes are all put away.

I could get used to this. Which is probably good, given that I have no choice in the matter for the next few months. :-)

There are freedoms that come with having the place to yourself, like being able to cuddle with your boyfriend (and/or remove clothing... *grin*) in the living room without worrying about being interrupted. But it does get lonely, too. I've spent about the same amount of time online chatting since B left. Been better about cleaning dishes in much shorter order than I used to do (sorry, B!), so the kitchen has remained free of clutter. Suddenly knowing that I was the sole master of how messy or clean this place will be was a good thing for me - so far it's meant it has stayed pretty clean. Won't always last, I know, but that was one very good thing The Ex left with me - a dislike of things being dirty and/or out of order (though he might not say so - I was always the messier one in that relationship).

I do miss Oreo at the door in the afternoon, though.

...

Got very good quality time with Doug, both Friday night and this evening. I'm glad we took the time (because it's not a matter of 'finding' time, it's a matter of taking the time) to reconnect. Just some basic quiet time to get recharged on that energy that goes between us. He can be so good for me.

05 April 2000

Bar Prep/Picking

Called Bar-Bri today to check on the status of my bar preparatory class, since it's to begin in about a month and a half. They're mailing my packet now (late - they somehow didn't send me the info - Doh!). Good news and bad news on the scheduling - the course is now being taught in DC itself, about 6 blocks from where I work (yes!), which means if I'm really, truly tired it's still a cheap cab ride home when class gets out (anywhere from 9:30 to 10pm). Bad part of that is that it's no longer right around the corner from Doug, so no stopping in there to crash. :-( Ah well, trade-offs.

I just want this stuff taken care of and over with already. Of course, two months of pain to at least double my income potential is worth it, don't you think?

...

Been having fun with one of the members of the Herd this week. Poor Lea, she heard that report on finger length and sexual orientation (long story short - shorter index fingers in women were somehow seen as a sign of them being queer), decided that her own fingers indicated something they truly don't, and ascribed (jokingly) her relationship difficulties over the years to that. We decided she was a confused lesbian and that we'd analyze her to see which type she was, a Diesel Dyke (D) or a Lipstick Lesbian (L).

Outfit in question: boots (D), overalls (D) - though corduroy and with a sense of style, so partly (L), make-up and hair well done (L), hunting jacket (D), brand name white top with frilly lacy stuff around the edges (L). It sounds a lot less put-together than it was - it worked well on her - but it was still fun analyzing it. *grin* She's so much fun to joke with - she takes our abuse so well. Of course, she hands it out as well as she gets it, so that makes the whole situation that much more fun. That's how my friends know I truly like them, if I'm willing to joke and play with them in this way. If I don't pick on you, watch out.

06 April 2000

Death

B called tonight while I was out. His father passed away at 9:12 p.m. CDT. I wish I could be there to hold B, to let him know that despite the fact that his father has passed on, he will go on, that life will continue.

I wish I could let him know that it will be painful, that it will be hard to deal with. That the pain will last for quite a while and will surface in ways and times that he never though possible. I'm lucky that neither of my parents has died. I've dealt with the death of 3 great-grandmothers, 1 grandfather, 1 grandmother, but not yet one of my parents. I came close when I cried for my mother and her diagnosis of breast cancer almost two years ago (how scary it is to contemplate that, and then to discover the family history of cancer of which you had previously been unaware, and realize how likely, genetically, that this fate might be), but I've not lost one yet. I'm lucky. I just wish B had been so lucky.

I hope he's okay. He's not left a phone number, so I'll have to email him and get a number at which I can call him. Heaven help him; he'll need it.

07 April 2000

Selfish?

It's hard to write an entry at this hour of the morning (2:30 a.m.) when I've just had to write the previous one.

Am I so self-centered? Am I just someone who cares only for myself? I know better than that, but sometimes I feel so wretched when I wallow in my own feelings.

It's hard sometimes when you've been raised in an environment that encourages you to give of yourself to others to take the time to feel what you feel and not what society expects you to feel. I expect to feel self-conscious of my desires, to feel that everything I do should be for someone else, that I am too self-centered when I focus on me and not others.

Bah, humbug.

As much as I care for my friends, I have to take care of me in order to help them. If I'm not well, I can't expect to be able to help them. If I am, then help I shall, if not, well, I have to aid myself first.

...

I ask the beginning question partially because I revealed to a friend this evening/morning that I had feelings for him, that I liked him a lot and that I would not mind if the relationship grew past that. But I also had to tell him that if he was not comfortable with who I was and who I was dating and that I might possibly date others than he and Doug and perhaps Tim that he should simply let me know and I would not pursue it further; I let him know that I would be happy simply being his friend if that was the limit of his comfort level.

He did not reject me outright, but he did not seem totally comfortable with 'sharing' me with others, either. I suppose this is a consequence of who I have chosen to be and I will deal with it. Every decision has costs, polyamory especially. I know I can't have it all - I accept that fully on an intellectual level. I still mourn for what might have been, though, had the situation been different.

Don't get me wrong, I do not regret my decision to live polyamorously for a minute. I would not be with Doug were I not able to live this way, and that is not something I wish to contemplate at this moment. But it does mean that some other opportunities will be forfeited, and for that perhaps I am a bit sad. What relationship doesn't involve those sacrifices, though?

09 April 2000

A Good Day

Perhaps that should be "A Good Weekend." Didn't write an entry yesterday (like that's a shocker), but yesterday was good as well. Spent the better part of yesterday with Doug, after meeting him for dinner and picking up a movie. I'm glad he was patient with my lack of energy, since I was still recovering from closing Omega (dumb, dumb, dumb!!).

...

But today was a good day. I slept in, yutzed around the house, had some oatmeal, finally got off my duff around noon, got all suited up for the cold (it SNOWED in the suburbs last night!!!!), and went for a run. As I would get tired and think about slowing down, walking or what not, I'd pull to mind an article from the latest Runners' World about a boy with no legs who is running triathlons with the use of prosthetics. And if he can do that, I can run 3 miles, head cold or no. Was very glad I got out and ran, as always.

Worked on an essay about my chosen method of sexual expression - polyamory. I know many of my friends (most?) do not understand this about me, and I'm trying to give a good explanation of what it means to me, but it's hard to describe. I'll keep working on it until I'm satisfied with the essay, then up it will go, linked from the main page.

Contemplated making lemon bars - I have all the ingredients for once, but took a nap instead. :-) Given the head cold I'm fighting from Thursday I needed the rest more than I needed another dessert. So nap I did, after talking to Doug on his "free minutes" while he was walking to school. I told him to run, he told me it was too cold, I reminded him he had just told me how much he liked this crazy cold weather, he said it was still too cold, I told him that's why I was talking to him while lying in bed under a blanket. ;-)

Got up, had some food, read the paper (really good essay by Congressman Davis (R- Va) about DC representation in Congress and the recent defeat at the hands of the Court of Appeals for the DC Circuit), then off to another dinner (cup 'o veggie chili!) with J.T. Dinner was good, conversation was good, sorbet at Larry's Ice Cream was great (mango and raspberry! Yummy!!!!!).

All in all a very good day. I need more days like this.

12 April 2000

Off-Base/But Better?

Found out my boss is well aware that once I take my bar I'll be looking for other work. As if he wasn't going to suspect - but at least now I know he's aware of that probability. "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

...

Ran again Monday morning, wimped out today. Might run in the morning tomorrow, not sure yet. I'm in a mood this evening, can't quite place it. Everything was just slightly off today, it seems. Chat room was weird tonight (people seemed either snippy or just plain strange - or their moods changed quickly from moment to moment); work was intense, but out of the ordinary (lots of time wasted on things that should have been more intuitive - case in point, formatting a funky document for a coworker in WordPerfect - blasted footnotes *grrr*).

Why should it be this way? Yes, I'm fighting off my umpteenth head cold (yeah, yeah, yet another one - I continue to amaze at my sinuses' vulnerability to bacteria/viruses), and yes, I did take some cold meds to help breathe, but that shouldn't have knocked me that far off-base. Did the same yesterday and it was a perfectly fine day. Harrumph. So now I suck on a Cold-Eeze in the hope that the zinc will make the cold grow less intense and go away faster. One can always hope. And in hoping, perhaps make it come about.

...

Wish I took more time to write more in this thing ("if wishes were horses..."). Wish I exercised more. Wish I had more free time. Wish I had a different job. Wish the bar were over with. Wish I'd stop whining.

...

See, off. Just slightly, but off.

Supposed to go have the other nipple pierced tomorrow. I'll have to see how I feel tomorrow. I agreed to it, but if I'm not well, no way in hell. I want the immune system closer to 100% if I'm going to go wound myself (since that's what a piercing is, after all, a wound). And I need more zinc, too (helps to heal a piercing). Zinc is easier to obtain that my health, it would seem. ;-) Silly body, get better already. I'm giving you sleep (now), I'm feeding you like a pig, and I'm trying to exercise lightly so you sleep better. Now do your part, fight off this bug and be well for a decent stretch of time.

...

Oh, other exciting news - called today about my first race, a 5k. I called about two, in fact, but as they're the same day I'll have to pick one or the other. One in my chosen city, one in the 'burbs. The one in the city is mailing me a race packet (yay!). I'm psyched - all the more reason to get well and keep running. My first race. Ever. Wow. :-) I can't wait.

13 April 2000

Definitely Better/Glue/Ring!

Got up, went upstairs to use the exercise bike (any exercise is better than none!), and lo and behold, the treadmill was actually working! So I got in a nice 4 mile run. Definitely feel better than I did last night, so likely my last untouched nipple will have a little ring by the end of the day. Woo-hoo! :-)

...

More later tonight...

...

Came home to the lovely smell of glue. Carpet glue, to be precise. They had ripped up the carpet in our hallways ages ago (it seems - probably two weeks ago?), had 2/3 of it finished (all but the section on which I live on my floor, of course). So I come home today and the dorks are gluing the carpet down at 6pm. Prime time for people to come home. Blah!!! Dorks. Thankfully they had glued the section where my door was (well, mostly) and had carpet to lay down so I could get to my door without stepping in the glue. Lucky for them. Was tempted for about two seconds to complain to management, then decided I was just happy they were finally putting the stuff down. LOL! The joys of a large building.

...

Well, I did it. Got the other nipple pierced. And before you say it, I'll anticipate your next reaction: OUCH!!!!!! You're right, it does hurt. Moreso than the Prince Albert did, in fact (now that I can compare again *grin*). They did a good job on it this time, though, so I've no complaints. Got matching rainbow rings (cheesy, but it was what they had at the time *grin*) for both sides. They're cute, and I'm glad I did it finally. Last thing I intend to pierce at this point in my life. And last body modification until I do something stunning, like an Ironman. Might consider the Ironman tattoo at that point, but only if I finish.

Wow.

Missed calls from Doug this evening, though, as I was at happy hour for a bit after the piercing (for some strange reason I wanted to dull some pain with alcohol - go fig!). I feel wretched that I didn't get to talk to him. I worry a lot that he will think when I'm out like this that I am somehow abandoning him, or ignoring him or the like. I know, intellectually, that he probably does not - that's not how we are together, but emotionally I feel bad that I can't spend more time with him. Yes, we're polyamorous, and yes, that means I will spend time with others (and he will spend time with others as well), but that doesn't stop me from wanting more time with him.

16 April 2000

Secrets

What a day! Skipped the Black Party at Velvet due to rumors of a police raid (thank you World Bank Protesters and a healthy dose of paranoia). Went out to Omega and Badlands instead. Badlands was soooooo dead. I mean I have never seen it that dead on the dance floor at midnight.

So, getting bored, the gentlemen with whom I was spending time decided to go to Secrets/Zeigfields. Wow. Never having been to the two clubs (they're connected - more in a sec), it was quite an experience.

Zeigfields is a nice drag bar. They have a dance floor (and we danced for a little bit), and a drag show that was fun. No room to sit at all by the time we got there, but that was okay. As is typical I had a fun time just trying to see around people (where were my platform shoes? Not!), but what I saw of the show was great. Not the best drag I've ever seen, but they were certainly having fun doing it, and that makes a show right there.

Secrets is a strip club. More specifically it's a bar with a long walkway down the middle on which cute boys walk with either practically nothing or just plain nothing on. And they let you get a feel/caress/whatever (within limits) for tips. One of the lads was walking around with a towel and a bottle of Wet. Oh my.

Most embarrassing moment of the night: one of the guys with me gets a dancer over, tips him, is feeling him up, calls me over closer, then propels me over to the dancer, telling me to "go ahead and touch, I already tipped him." What the hell?!?!? I think I turned three shades of red, could not stop giggling at this point (how much was embarrassment and how much was the bourbon? You tell me). Got in some gropes, of course, but it was more than a tad weird. Don't get me wrong, the guy was gorgeous (bourbon or no), and under other circumstances had he paid me the least bit of attention I'd have played with him no problems. But the whole commercial nature of the thing just left an odd impression with me.

19 April 2000

Running

Could someone please turn off the crisis button? I'm quite sure it's time for it to be turned off now.

Today was all about running. Got up and ran (first post-piercing run, with the aid of some oversized bandaids), then on the bus two other buses broke down in front of us (eeck!), leaving us at K street for waaaay too long. Finally get to work, late, and then have a non-stop series of questions and documents to write/revise. Most of them were fairly easy to answer (though some were not), but it was just one after another all day long! Never a dull moment in the budget office. :-) Days like today are semi-nice because I stay busy all day but I could do without such a frenzied pace all day long.

Headed off to a reception in a few moments for the Gay and Lesbian Bar Association of DC (or something like that). Went to last year's and enjoyed it, though I know pretty much no one there. Sparky's going to meet me at it later.

...

Reception was fun. The bar forgot about us (hey, means we don't have to pay the $200.00 plus for the bad food!), so we took over their porch area. I think it was all the more successful for that, actually. Certainly talked to more people than I did last year. Not having The Ex to drag along helped with that - wasn't tied to anyone while I chatted. Did meet Sparky there and have half an appetizer before we started chatting with folks. Altogether a pretty good evening.

22 April 2000

Order

It had to be done. I stayed home Friday night and cleaned. Laundry, vacuuming, dishes, organizing. Eeck! My apartment was so bad! It's still not 100%, but it's markedly improved over the past week or so. I can't help it, I get out of sorts when my environment isn't ordered.

I'm such the control freak. I know, intellectually, that I cannot control my entire life. I can't guide every factor that goes into it, nor can I order everything just to how I like it.

But that doesn't stop me from trying.

Damned Type-A Personality, anal-retentive lawyer that I am.

LOL!

But the funny thing is, sitting here typing away at my computer, looking around my room now that I've put the clean laundry away, made the bed, cleaned the floor, filed things away, cleaned up my desk, etc., etc., etc., it just feels more comfortable in here. I was actually getting antsy sitting in here a few days ago looking at all the mess everywhere. I can't explain it, other than that it drives me nuts now when my personal space is disorganized.

...

Decided that my two months of Zyrtec just didn't work, so back to Claritin I go. May have to fight with my HMO, but I'm tired of waking up with a drippy nose and the attendant sore throat. I want to be well. Which is another reason I cleaned the place. Not that I expected that my environment here was making me sick, but the disorderliness was starting to work its way into other areas, like my exercising. I've maintained it's a priority for me, but I've not treated it as such. So, now I attempt to put things into order, including that aspect of my life. I'm going to do a run in late May - I'm sending in the registration in Monday's mail - so I have to get that in order for the event. I'm looking forward to it, and I hope it's what I'm hoping for, a way to validate the running I've been doing on and off the past two years.

25 April 2000

Bingo!

Went to Gay Bingo last night (is that the official name? That's what everyone seemed to call it, even though there were straight people there). It was held at Chaos, a local club, with three of their resident drag queens holding court over the proceedings. The way it worked was that you got a card for each drink you ordered. The cards were actually quite cool - they had little sliding windows that you used to mark your tiles, rather than stamps or chits or what not. Low-tech efficiency.

So we're doing Bingo, and I'm talking with David, who invited me, and his friends. The drag queens are doing their typical "let's pick on someone in the audience" routine, and I make the mistake of having to get them to repeat something they said. So one asks me my name, I tell her. Asks me where I'm from, I tell her (Norfolk - pronounced in true native "Nawf'k" fashion). Then she asks me what I do, so I tell her - I'm an intern. Wrong thing to tell people you are in this town. Immediately she grabbed a cigar from one of her friends in the front row and asked me if I knew what to do with it. I chuckled. Then one of the other ones insisted I come up front into the spotlight.

I turned about three shades of red as soon as I got up there (I blush so easily - ask any of my friends). The one queen remarked on what a lovely shade it was, and that she owned a dress that color. Oh my. She read off my Washington and Lee polo shirt and remarked on my earring. That of course got my typical comment that it wasn't the only ring I had (I already had two cards of my own at this point - two drinks). Next thing I know the whole bar knows I have 4 extra holes in my body (not by seeing them, mind you!). LOL! One queen threatened to take me out in the next thunderstorm and see what happened. I did get asked about them standing in line to use the restroom later, too. What a trip.

Didn't win anything, but I so enjoyed it; it was tons of fun and something I think I'll do again at a later date. It's a regular Tuesday night feature at Chaos, so definitely an option at a later date.

...

David and I had a more serious talk after we left and decided that we were in fact boyfriends. We've been hanging out together on occasion, when we get time to do so. It helps that we live a lot closer together than do Doug and I. Doug and I are doing great in our relationship, too, so I suppose I really truly am living polyamorously (if one defines polyamory as having multiple emotional relationships, as opposed to purely sexual relationships, at one time).

Finally spoke with Tim, too. He's doing well, if stressed, and I expect to see him in about a week and a half when he gets back from a soon-to-start-and-much-needed vacation. 'Twill be good to see him again, it's been a tad too long.

28 April 2000

Gouging

Well, the march crowds have arrived, and every bar in town is gouging the tourists. Even the bars that normally don't charge covers are charging. It's ridiculous, and I refuse to go into certain clubs here (Badlands, Velvet) that are charging several times their normal admission fee. I'll stick with Omega, at least that's only $5 to get in! Ludicrous, but it's not like I'll stop them from making money hand over fist - I'll just not contribute.

...

Fun evening last night. Got my haircut, went to Omega to meet friends, had a quick dinner, went over to be moral support while JB got pierced, tried to talk the cute little drunk 22 y/o Marine out of bugging the piercing staff since they won't pierce anyone who is drunk (this is the cute one from two weeks ago who flirted with me for a bit but then latched onto someone else - oh well, his loss!), back to Omega to drink, flirted with boys, headed home to sleep (I did have to work today, after all!). It was a fun night.

Woke up on time this morning, showered (I detest smelling like smoke, but I suppose it's the price you pay to socialize in a bar), and got out of the house at an earlier time than the past few weeks. Got to work early so I could get out of here early. :-) I so want to escape right now (mid-afternoon). It's not like we've done anything today anyway. I have no official numbers from my district, so I can't process the stuff that I have due today, and we're having a retirement get-together for a former co-worker, so that has meant socializing for most of the morning/afternoon. Not exactly conducive to getting a whole hell of a lot done. I wish I had the annual leave to do it, I'd just leave already! No go, need to save that for the Bar exam, so save I will. I'll need the time off a lot more at that point.

Looking forward to dinner tomorrow with people from my email list at City Lights of China. Great place, good food, excellent service, and best of all they know my name. *grin* I walk in, they recognize me, they say hello, if it's not too busy they chat with me (all in Mandarin Chinese). Even the waitresses have started learning my name, which I love to death. It's important to have a place to go, to take folks from out of town, where you know you'll be treated well on a consistent basis. I just made the reservations and the hostess recognized my voice. I really do love this, that they treat me this well. I highly recommend the place any time you may come to D.C.

...

Well, ended up at Badlands anyway. :-p It was too crowded, though. There are few times when I regret being the size that I am (5'6" and 143 currently). When pushed, it is difficult to push back, having neither the height nor the weight to enforce that wish against much taller, much more intoxicated boys. Danced up on the platform for much of the evening (when we were dancing), my normal haunt when I can get up there, til it got too crowded. I left the place at about quarter til 2 ("But it's just getting fun!" protested my friends - maybe for them, not for me), and the line was 3 people wide and all the way down the block. Amazing. It's only Badlands, folks! Not that big a deal. But you'd have thought it was the gay Mecca given the way they queued up to get in.

My friends did have fun, for which I was glad, but something seemed to be slightly "off" for me again. Lack of sleep? Indigestion? Annoyance at the crowds? All of the above? Yes.