01 March 2000

Opportunity?

My Deputy Director (boss, two levels up) came to me today and asked if I'd work on the other side of our program. The Budget Shop where I work has two sides, Execution (day-to-day making sure the numbers match up on the current fiscal year spending), and Formulation (planning for the future fiscal year requests). I work on the Execution side currently as their unofficial attorney advisor. The DD came in and asked if I could do some part time work over on the Formulation side for the next two months. This would be great, I get to do more writing, I get to do some planning, perhaps meet with the head of the agency herself, etc., etc.

But the manager of the Formulation side is a difficult person under whom to work. I've had several friends have bad experiences working on that side (all but one has left budget entirely over it). However, I have little choice in the matter. I do want to sit down and make the two side's managers and the DD sit together and work out what will happen in the case of conflict of duties, etc., etc., etc. I'm not going to relive the hell of dual loyalties one of my friends did.

I guess I knew this would happen eventually. How fun (Rule #1 - Life is inherently ridiculous!).

...

Got up late, but still ran this morning. Decided being exactly on time would take 2nd priority to getting a run in. I want that to be priority in my life (my health and my running), so if it means I stay over 15 minutes, or take 15 minutes less at lunch, so be it. I was glad I ran, had more energy today and just felt good in general. Even after being presented with my latest challenge. :-)

Despite the tone above, I do look forward to this, it will be a challenge, both in the work itself and the balancing between competing interests. We'll see how it goes.

...

Got the laundry done, finally, in preparation to go over to Doug's tomorrow evening. *big grin* Looking forward to that, I miss the man when I only get to see him occasionally. I'm grateful for the time I do get with him, and I suspect if we spent too much time with each other we'd both go nuts, at least at this point in our relationship. I want things to progress at their own pace, not to force anything with either of us, and not to repeat some of the behaviors I've noticed in myself with regard to new relationships. It is what it is (and how good it is!!!).

I am glad we talk as often as we do (pretty much daily, at least by email, if not by phone). It gives me a chance to learn more about him and how he reacts to things, and gives him the same chance about me. To see my frustrations, my joys, my mundane, everyday self.

I love him.

04 March 2000

Dancing/Hookups

Went out dancing Friday night. Well, first dinner with friends, then dancing. Ended up watching the folks I went with slowly either head off together or with new people. *chuckle* It was amusing to watch.

Went over and picked a boy up for a friend with whom I was dancing ("Hi, my friend wants to meet you."). Never done that before, it was a trip. Do have to say the boy I retrieved handled it better than the one for whom I was retrieving. Ah well, not my concern, I did my Cupid duty for the evening. *grin*

What was mildly annoying was that I went home alone again. I've never picked anyone up in a club, and friday night was no exception. Anyone in whom I was interested was already all over someone else or wouldn't even look in my direction. A strange night, normally I go dancing with friends, so I leave with friends. I've never even tried trying to go out specifically to pick someone up and take them home/go home with them. I guess I've just reserved that particular activity to online shopping. It just felt odd watching people hooking up all around me and not doing the same. Oh well. :-)

05 March 2000

Change?

I love to eat (one of these days I'll scan in some of my older photos from high school and college and you can see just how much I used to love to eat *grin*). I just wish my stomach handled food better than it seems to do some days. Perhaps I need to just cut the dairy out altogether. I suffered through "Lactose Reduced Ice Cream" earlier this week and it ripped the hell out of my stomach. I frequently feel truly sorry for my roomie - it's most unpleasant when I suffer the effect of lactose on my system. *sigh* If only I were normal.

NOT! ;-)

I've toyed with veganism at home. I'm mostly vegetarian as it is (lacto-ovarian, mostly), at least at home. I just figure a) it's easier to cook veggies when I'm on my own; b) it's cheaper (have you priced veggies as opposed to meat at your grocery store lately?); and c) I eat enough meat during the week at lunch and on the many occasions I eat out. I just can't see totally giving up meat. Not because I care for the flavor or texture that much (though I do get cravings for certain meat dishes on occasion - chicken with 40 cloves of garlic - and there's nothing wrong with that), but more because of the inconvenience in this culture. I have enough fun avoiding dairy products in the States without adding meat to that list as well. Dairy products are so ingrained in the normal cuisine of this country that they're damn hard to avoid. Case in point, I suggested to a friend he give up dairy for Lent and he looked like I'd suggested he avoid seeing his friends for the whole 40 days. LOL!

...

Doug came with me to a birthday party for Mikey last night at Mikey's place. It was good to have him there, to let him see my friends and the people with whom I associate. They seem to like him as well, as I expected they would. I've gotten better in my choices of companions, for the most part. That does make life easier, when one's chosen amorous companion fits well into one's social life.

He so often tells me he doesn't understand how I put up with his quirks and choices. How many times do I tell him, 'But that's who you are! How can I even think to presume to change who you are? That's the person I like - the one with whom I want to spend time and with whom I want to build a primary relationship.' You can't go about your life trying to make people fit some preconceived mold of who your 'perfect companion' is. If you're attracted to a person, or you want to spent time with them, it should be because you like them for who they are, not who they could be.

Yes, you can suggest, and you can hope they may change things that are harmful to themselves or others if that element is there, but ultimately any source of change has to come from their own reserve. Change is something an individual does for himself, not for some external reason. At least not if it's a change that the person truly wants. That's why I run, for me, not for anyone else. That's why I exercise and watch what I eat, so I will be a healthier person, and why I am trying to better myself at work, so I can be more successful and live in a lifestyle in which I'd be comfortable. I can't do these things, especially those things that are so integral to the person I see in myself, for anyone other than myself. If not for me and what I want myself to be, then for whom? And to what end?

Selfish? Yes. But the truth as well. I tried changing myself to fit someone else's mold of who I should be and that was a lie, to myself and to the other person. And I don't lie well to anyone.

06 March 2000

The Endless Meeting

Did you ever have one of those days where the meeting you were in never seemed to end? The one where time seems to run backwards while you sit in an office and watch Corel Presentations shows put on by people who aren't quite fully into what they're presenting? That was my Monday.

I'm leaving town in a little less than two weeks to go to a conference my office is sponsoring in Houston. I will be presenting at this conference on two different topics ('witnesses' and 'the internet' - don't ask why I get both of those), and today we had a 'dry run' of our presentations. I never thought the day would end! We weren't bad, but we certainly weren't fully prepared for this thing as yet. And public speaking is not the forte of many of my co-workers. ;-)

Didn't help that I got up slightly late (too much caffeine on Sunday?), and so didn't really want to go in to begin with. Ah well. Only truly disappointing part was that I didn't run this morning, nor this evening. I'll get to the gym tomorrow, though (I hope!). That has to come back to me in addition to the running, which I'm back into the habit of doing.

...

No word from Doug this evening. That's strange for us. I hesitate to call but so late in the evening, but it doesn't seem normal not to have heard from him in the evening. Tomorrow, I suppose.

09 March 2000

Week/Date

Wow, what a week so far. Back into exercising, at least I have the running down on a regular basis (and feeling good at the running I'm doing). Got to the gym Tuesday (ouch! Too long since I've been there!). Stomach's in order, body's doing well, my relationship with Doug keeps growing stronger. Now to work on my career. After my conference in Houston week after next.

Otherwise, work has been hectic as all hell. In gearing up for this conference we're practicing presentations we're giving (we're getting better!), turning in the materials to be copied for the binder, etc., etc., etc. All those normal things a sponsoring office does for a conference.

Plus the normal duties I have, plus the new Formulation side stuff I'm working on.

I like the Formulation work, it seems like it's going to be interesting stuff. I'm meeting more people within the Department (and it was so nice to have other people know what a Presidential Management Intern is when I mentioned that I was one at a meeting today!!!), I'm getting a better picture of how we as a Department coordinate things. I just wish they knew how to run a meeting better. Or, rather, that they'd practice what the preached. They talked about setting objectives for a larger meeting scheduled next week, at which point I thought, "So why didn't you do that for this meeting?" Whatever, not everyone is as cognizant of organizational skills I guess.

But interesting stuff, nonetheless.

...

Doug has been worrying lately about how I will take things when he wants to be what we are, polyamorous (and frequently independent of each other in many ways), and I hope I've been assuring him that it's fine. And that if something is ever not fine, I hope I'll have the courage to tell him so and to work out what our comfort levels are. But as many others have pointed out, I can only own my own feelings - I can't control his. I can try to help him through them, but ultimately he is the owner of his feelings and I know that (hard as it is to accept sometimes) and can only work with him to make sure our mutual comfort levels are met.

I want this to work with him. I like him a lot. Hell, I love the man (and yes, I do know what that means and yes, I fully acknowledge that I really and truly do love him). I can see myself sharing my life with him in so many ways, and hoping that he'll want to share his life with me in many of those ways as well.

And yet I have a "date" tonight with someone else. It doesn't diminish the feelings I have for Doug, I love him as much as I did before I agreed to the date. I think I'll have a pleasant time with the gentleman this evening (hopefully mental as well as the likely physical stimulation), and when I see Doug next I'll be happy to share what he wants to know (within the comfort limits of the 3rd party), and we'll move on. It's so hard to explain what it is that Doug and I have here and how it's not going to change (much) by either of us exerting the independence that we both want and need in our primary relationship. The few people I've talked to about this don't seem to understand how I can love Doug and yet want to go out on a date with someone else (the monogamy model is so ingrained in American culture). Yes, it's not the cultural norm, but it is me. And he. And it better damned well be anyone else we're with - if you're not comfortable with the fact that I am with someone in a primary relationship and that I am in love with him, then nothing is going to happen past a friendship level.

Maybe it's the desire in me to shock and to not be normal. I don't know. But I do know that this is right for me at this point in my life, so others will have to adapt to that if they want to be part of my life.

...

Home from work and I remembered a quote I wanted to share, especially today, as I find it a fitting description of how I feel about Doug:

"Ruth had found a companion she could talk to, and he was someone she liked to listen to as well." (A Widow For a Year by John Irving, p. 162)

10 March 2000

Twists

Last night didn't go as planned. It wasn't a bad thing that it didn't happen as I expected it to, it was more like, "Oh, okay. That's fine, we'll try again some other time." The gentleman had to cancel on me after he got there (though he didn't tell me until he was leaving instead of when he got there, which was a tad annoying, especially since he got there a tad late as it was). He drove some friends into town because the one wasn't feeling well and so had to drive them back out when they left. I'd rather have him do that than watch someone who was not feeling well attempt to drive the trek themselves, wouldn't I? I mean, I wouldn't want to date someone who wouldn't be willing to give rides to friends when they needed it, even at the expense of a date, so I'm not upset at him for canceling.

Though I do wish he'd told me when he first got there - I could've flirted more with the little guy in the tank top who kept making eyes at me. ;-) I was being reserved because I did have prior plans (and I don't think of myself as someone who would cancel plans, especially without seeing the other person, just because something more immediately attractive came up). Oh well, perhaps another time (next week's happy hour?).

So, otherwise was just hanging out with friends, enjoying the company of others and having a good time talking. Then we went to Badlands. LOL! I've never gone to a club on a school night and last night was a particular treat - Thursdays are "College Night" at the club, when they let 18+ in (as opposed to the normal 21+). Nice eye candy, though I wouldn't touch most of it. I've found that I rarely want to date men younger than myself these days, though of course there are exceptions. I've run into a couple men that would definitely break that mold. They're rare, IMNSHO, but they're there.

Am out dancing on the floor with friends and who do I see? Doug! His spring break started as soon as class was out Thursday night, so he was out relaxing. Neither of us expected to run into each other on a ‘night out' and it was a very, very pleasant surprise for both of us. I enjoy dancing with him (I enjoy that he likes to dance!). Still went home alone (we both have to work on Fridays, after all), but I got to see him a day early, which was a welcome treat.

So, it went from a ‘night out' on a date to a fortuitous encounter with my primary. Gotta love the twists life throws your way. :-)

...

And my friends still don't understand how I can say I love Doug yet still go out on other dates. Especially the heterosexual ones (the gay men I know are a tad more used to dealing with alternatives, I think). Was out at lunch with the Herd today (the Herd has the address to this site, so I know anything I say here can be seen by them) and was explaining briefly about last night and I got the, "Whoa, whoa! Wait a minute! You've said the "L" word but you're going out on another date with someone else?" followed by a very confused look. I simply explained that the monogamy model was not the one that Doug and I were following. I hope they'll accept that, if not, I suppose I'll try and explain further. Of course, this was from Lea, the ever-curious one, who is still dying to see what my Prince Albert looks like (there Lea, I finally mentioned you! *grin*), so I'll likely end up explaining further.

12 March 2000

Lessons from Velvet

1. Madonnarama is, in and of itself, not necessarily reason to either attend or avoid Velvet Nation.
2. Just because the music is that of one of your favorite artists, the D.J.s won't necessarily mix it well.
3. The music can get better if it's not good when you come in.
4. Sometimes you just have to leave the dance floor for a while, regroup and attack it anew when something you want to hear comes on.
5. It's hard to dance when someone is hanging on you (though it's occasionally more entertaining to you and the people around you).
6. Caffeine wears off too quickly if all you're drinking to get it is Coca-Cola.
7. One of the best cures for a hangover is not to get drunk in the first place.
8. Breakfast at IHOP at 4-5 a.m. is wonderful no matter what you're having. and the service is faster than Annie's.
9. Post-clubbing food is frequently more necessary when you've been drinking, though it's usually welcome if all you've been doing is dancing, too.

15 March 2000

Politics

Doug took my to a fundraiser for Virginia Democrats. I used to live in the Commonwealth, and I think I understand Va politics as much as the next resident. The speeches were fun to listen to, crowd pleasers designed to get people fired up about the party and the party's chances this fall in the general election. I hope I wasn't too obnoxious, I just have a very, very different view of politics, especially state politics, since I moved into the District of Columbia. I love this city - the pace, the opportunities, the life here. But that doesn't change the fact that we're no more than a colony, the last one left in the lower 48. We have no vote in Congress, we have no way to express our own will in the body that controls our funding and so many Congressmen and Senators think their job is to come to Washington to act like city councilmen instead of national representatives. It's silly, really - they elect these people to come here to represent them and instead they come in to inflict their will on us where we live. Imagine if they tried that with any other city in the country, if a state denied these basic rights to, say, Richmond Virginia, or Annapolis Maryland. But because of a desire on the part of the framers not to have the capitol influenced unduly by one state or another we are stuck in limbo. I'm afraid that attitude came out this evening when I made a snide comment or two about the chances of the Va Democratic delegation to take back the state house, or even the Va Congressional delegation. I don't see the chances as good, but that shouldn't stop them from trying. I just think Va has turned too far to the right at the moment.

..

Doug takes off for Austin tomorrow. I'm going to miss him - a week and a half seperated! We've not been apart for that long since we started dating, so this should prove an interesting separation. He's going to enjoy himself in Austin, which should recharge him, and for that I'm glad. It's not like I'd turn down an opportunity to see someone when I'm in Houston next week, but I'll still miss him.

17 March 2000

Binders!

I have never been as stressed at work as I was today. We had to assemble and stuff 400 binders in a day and a half - they grossly underestimated the time that would be required for the task. Several things went by the wayside today (my travel authorization?!?!?!?!) as we packed binders. What a mess! We got it done, but not without sniping, snide comments and general kvetching. That is not the norm for my staff, so it was interesting to see how it came out then. My scout training (overtraining?) came out and I did a fair amount of directing myself (heavens I hope I didn't step on too many toes). I hope we never have to do that again. We all needed to pitch in, get it done and be done with it so we could all get our final stuff done. Instead we were stuck stuffing while various people had to do other critical things.

Top it off with a head cold courtesy of Velvet, which of course hasn't been helped by the lack of sleep this week. Not a fun day, but as I said, we got it done, I got the things that I absolutely had to have for the conference put on disk and taken with me. But please don't do that to me again.

18 March 2000

Travellin'

I leave for Houston tomorrow, no entries for a week. Maybe I'll borrow a note from a fellow diarist and write entries while I'm out and then post them when I get back. I can't see but so much exciting stuff happening in Houston, what with my cold and lack of a voice and what not (not that my life is that exciting anyway LOL). Hopefully I'll be recovered by the time I have to give my big presentation on Thursday on the internet for our Budget Officers. Should be a trip and a half.

Going to have dinner with Tim again tonight. Have I mentioned him before? Seems not. Met him at Velvet (well, was introduced while we were at Omega preparing to go to Velvet, but that's just a technicality). After dancing for a bit I had to leave the dance floor Saturday (the music SUCKED!). Finally wandered back out after a drink and some water, found my party again and Tim was dancing like he was on something. He wasn't, but hey. Anyway, sided up to him and we danced together for the rest of the evening.

Met him for dinner Thursday, then the regular Happy Hour at Omega. He's a neat guy, Chinese American, fun to hang with. A possibility of another to date? I think so. Welcome to polyamory. It's neat, there are different things to be found with Tim than there are with Doug. Doug is still my primary (I love the man after all!), but perhaps something will develop with Tim. We can't know ahead of time, but it's a possibility that I'm going to explore.

I hope I can balance something like this. It's not like I've not dated more than one guy before, but the assumption there was that at some point a choice would be made, either to continue with just one or to ditch both. At no time was the possibility of ongoing, perhaps longer term relationships with both even considered. Welcome to the brave new world, Moose, I hope you can do it.

24 March 2000

Houston

What a week. You'd think that a week spent with budget analysts and administrative officers would be dull. Far from it! If nothing else, those people can drink!!! I think I was actually developing a tolerance by the end of the week. Scary thought.

Sunday - Got to Houston no problems. Travelled to the hotel with several other folks from the office who were on the same flight. Ended up drinking half a bottle of Cardonnay with one of my coworkers at dinner.

Monday - First day of the conference. Head cold seems to be a tad better, though flying the previous day had been unpleasant. Presentations went well, as we expected they would. First time in the breakouts is always the worst. Went to a swing club that night - I wish I had been able to dance, it looked like a ton of fun. There was a couple who looked no older than 19ish, and boy could they cut a rug. Wow.

Tuesday - Head cold is definitely better, thought the voice is still rough. Ended up at the sports bar in the hotel until midnightish with several budget officers. These people are a bad influence when it comes to drinking. *grin* Had loads of fun, but boy was I tired the next day.

Wednesday - My 'day off' as I had no presentations, but still ended up sitting in on presentations, running the microphone around the large conference room (the field personnell appreciated that I literally ran the mike around to them quickly). Actually felt more like a lawyer, explaining things in legal terms to these folks. Perhaps I'll make a lawyer yet.

Thursday - The big Internet presentation was this morning. It went well once we got the screen showing correctly on the backdrop they had up to project onto. I enjoyed the lecture and hopefully the folks learned something. We went to a club that night, one in which there were five bars, a 90s music bar, a 70s/80s bar, a country bar, a karaoke bar (shudder), and a piano bar. Wore a new club shirt, but only got one look all night, from one waiter in the piano bar. Was mildly depressed to be out with all these folks (50 of us went to the bar in a set of limos) and not be getting any looks at all. I got over it, though, and enjoyed myself dancing with the field personnel. They're nuts, I swear. :-) I really enjoyed meeting them all. And, best of all, I got taught how to two-step. LOL! That was so much fun, got to dance several times after learning it, and even started to get the turns down. Got the hang of leading, too, which I don't think I'd have done in a gay bar. Most of the time they teach you to follow down at Remingtons. So it was a good night overall.

Friday - Up to teach at 8am (after being at the club until 2am!!!). It was a tad much to teach at that hour, but we got it done. Flew back just fine, got on a earlier flight (hooray!), so got back to DC at a sane hour. Doug picked me up at the airport and we went to have dessert before travelling back to my place. I missed him so much, it was good to see him, however briefly (depositions scheduled the next day for him). Almost a week and a half we were apart, thanks to my trip and his spring break. Wow. We survived it well, I think.

...

A good week, all in all. Head cold finally died, though the voice never fully recovered thanks to the drinking. What a mess! I've not had that much to drink in one week since undergrad. Ugh! But fun, nonetheless. I'm glad I got to meet so many folks from the field, it was good to place faces and personalities with names, emails and voices. They're a good bunch, the DOJ is lucky to have them. I will miss them this fall when I leave.

25 March 2000

Out once more

A nice day of rest, then out to visit with folks. Went to dinner with Doug and his family. I supposed to a lot of people this is a big step, meeting more siblings and breaking bread with them. It went well, at least the social aspect of it. The dinner itself was miserable (the service sucked gorilla butt, as one of my fellow diarists would put it), but meeting his sister and brother in law was fun.

Left dinner and went to Badlands to dance with Doug and his sister. Tim met me there and I got to introduce him to Doug. It could have been awkward, but it didn't seem so to me (maybe because of the vodka tonics?). They seemed to be fine with each other, and I got to pay much-needed attention to both of them during the course of the night. I would have gone home with Tim had he not been leaving town on an ungodly early flight the next day. Doug's sister was staying with him overnight, so that didn't seem right to me - it was beyond my comfort level to stay there and cuddle with his sister in the next room. Probably later I'll be fine with it, but not quite yet. I'll move fast, but there are limits to my ability to adapt. Once Tim took off I did eye another guy on the floor while dancing, but I think he had seen me all over Tim and was a tad weirded out by that. Oh well, as normal I go home alone. Not that I didn't find some, and right here in my building, but I still have yet to leave a club with a random hookup. ;-)

26 March 2000

The Oscars

Movies are neat, but they're not the end-all of my existence. And I really don't care who wins or loses, mainly because I've not seen most of the movies that are up for the various nominations. But I went to an Oscar get-together tonight with Doug and it was a pleasant affair. The bourbon helped make it more enjoyable, but the company would have been fine without alcohol. ;-) It was more a social opportunity than an excuse to watch the awards show. Got back home way too late, but it was worth it to meet more of Doug's friends.

The more I get to know about that man the more I like him. I'm glad I can share some part of his life, and I'm glad he allows me the freedom to explore other parts of my life as well. I am very much in love with him, all the moreso because of the polyamorous aspects of our relationship. He's now met Tim, with whom I am very much in lust (*grin*), and it doesn't bother him to know that I like this other man as well. Wow. I feel like life is falling in as I want it to be now and it's a good thing.

27 March 2000

Alone

B announced to me today that he's going to be leaving at the end of this month, not next month as he originally planned. His father has taken a turn for the worst and he feels the need to go home and help Mom around the house and such. I wish him well when he leaves, and I hope his father gets better.

But there goes a good chunk of my social life with that part of the rent payment back on me now

And it means I'll be living on my own - really, truly on my own - for the first time ever. No roommate, no partner, no boyfriend, no parents, no anyone. Just me. I think I'm ready for it (I'd better be!), but it's hard to imagine that at 27 I have never lived all by myself; I've always had someone else living with me. Wow.

So here goes, later this week, evidently.

28 March 2000

Back to Work

Good to get back to work, but what a mess! Unlike my wont at home, I did not clean up the office before I left (though I did remember where everything was), so had to face the normal chaos that is my desk. I really wish someone had taken the time to teach me how to file well. I try to organize those things, but they're still a mess; and I'm averse to my filing cabinet on the best of these dry days anyway since the metal behemoth shocks the hell out of me with static electricity every time I touch it.

I need to get the hell out of here. As much as I love my co-workers, I just see no future with the Department. The things I want to do, that I've trained to do, are not things I will be able to get to in a reasonable amount of time. My supervisor's supervisor doesn't care for my work ("I like the quality, but I'd like to see more quantity...") and I know he'd not recommend I convert to a full federal position out of my internship. Blech. Get me to private practice, despite the hours it will mean, and at least I can be making some money while I get worked to death.

29 March 2000

High

Ran this morning, first time in two weeks, and I flew on that running high all day long. Just enjoyed my day, it flew past, and felt good the entire time.

And people wonder why we exercise

31 March 2000

Gone

Well, B's gone as of early, early this morning. I'm playing hooky today so I can clean (how did that boy stand the mess?), get things in order, reorganize. It's what I do when I'm upset, and I am upset that he's gone now. I know he had to go home, I know he needed to help his parents, I know he needs to re-establish his residency in Missouri and get himself back to finish his schooling. But I still am upset that he's gone.

I've been writing diary entries this morning (so yes, there are several new ones that were never posted as the index file - check the archives), editing ones I had written but wasn't happy with as yet, writing ones I had in my head but hadn't put into a medium. In between typing, I've been cleaning things up, grossing out at the state of the kitchen, dreading the vacuuming and the rearranging of furniture.

Add to this mildly depressing mix a conversation with Doug yesterday wherein he admitted to feeling a tad neglected in the past few weeks. We've not had the long conversations we had when we first started, and not really seen enough of each other (alone - not in the company of others). Balancing time together needs with those everyday tasks ain't easy (especially his studying and our mutual sleep needs). I do feel bad that he's feeling left out, and we're trying to arrange some more time together (including some good quality time tonight/tomorrow).

The joys of a relationship. As many have said (including Doug), maintaining a polyamorous relationship is harder work than the traditional monogamous relationship. Balancing your own needs against the needs of your partners, trying to address everyone's emotional needs, and maintaining a sense that it's within your control is difficult at times. It's all too easy to let things get out of hand when there are few limits on whose with whom you can be, whom you can date, with whom you can trick. Boundaries are important to keep in mind, not just for your partners' sakes, but for your own as well.

I still can't believe he's gone.