01 February 2000

Shopping

Went online shopping last night, looking for books. Discovered a good way to do this is to go to http://shopping.yahoo.com and look up the item, whereupon it'll list several participating merchants from whose sites you can either order through Yahoo or go to on your own. http://www.ecampus.com had the best price on one of the books I wanted, and my book club, QPB, had the other (for the cost of shipping - hooray bonus points!). Cooley. Comparison shopping made easy, almost as good as going to C!Net and using the price comparison thingey there.

If they're going to list them in one place, so be it. I feel no obligation to order from them. I'd rather have bought these at my local gay bookstore (buy local!), but they didn't have a copy when I called. Oh well, maybe next time.

...

Did a lot of listening last night, which I like to think I do well. My friends are very important to me and if one needs a shoulder, and I'm available (which I normally am), I will drop quite a lot to sit and listen. Doug needed an ear, so I stopped chatting online (and even stopped playing around with this that and the other while on the phone - a rarity for me!) and let him talk. I would hope my friends would be there to listen if I needed it, so I do the same for them.

I just wish there were way to reach through the phone and hug people, too. Mushy, yes, but the truth. I'm far too tactile a person not to want to give hugs freely, especially when I feel the person could use one.

"Just remember, no one is alone..." (Into the Woods)

...

I was also in rare form on the chat room last night. LOL! That was a trip and a half. Several of my friends were online and it was just loads of fun being able to be ‘pretty and witty and bright' with them. Welcome to the new socializing, the new party line, never leave your home yet talk with dozens of people at once. Gotta love it.

...

Had someone over for a massage tonight. I must say, nothing is guaranteed to turn me off faster than someone begging, repeatedly, for me to do something in bed with them that is patently unsafe. *shudder* 'Nuff said.

02 February 2000

Shoulder/Away

I seem to have slipped into the care giver role in the past 24 hours. This is not a bad thing, mind you. It's a role I think perform well and it's one that I enjoy - the teacher in me, perhaps. I just need to be careful not to let myself dragged into more than I can handle. Am usually good, but this is a situation where the normally admirable trait of selflessness can get taken too far.

Found out my visitor from last night had been given new medications that afternoon and didn't react well to them (duh!). Thankfully he's since seen his doctor and either gotten them changed or gotten rid of them. Hopefully the later. I'm not a proponent of the ‘take a pill if you feel bad' school of thinking. Pharmacopeia to help chemical imbalances given to people who are feeling a little blue because of a life event? NO! Heaven forfend you have to work for something and not just get a quick fix.

Another friend is feeling like this city is making him less polite and ruder than he was. Perhaps he has, I've not known him long enough and cities can certainly have that effect. It's usually one reaction or another; the society (stereotypically) either becomes hyper-polite because of the lack of space (Japan) or ruder because of it (NYC). If you're finding yourself ruder than you like to be (or any other negative reaction you might have), it's time to step back, take a breath and reassess where it is you're going. Time away is not a bad thing, nor is stepping back and stepping into your own life (and out of others') for a short while.

I know I have to have time to myself to unwind on occasion. I even schedule days for that now, taking time off to be with me and only me. Those days help, trust me.

03 February 2000

Internal/External

I dislike drugs and this past week has only confirmed that for me. Dealing with a renewed caffeine addiction (damn it!) and a friend's bad reaction to anti-depressives has just been ‘not fun.'

Drugs and learning when to change the internal and when to change the external (or both) seems to be my theme this week. I keep telling those friends who ask that they need to look at themselves and see, really, which needs changing. Somewhat hypocritical at times, I realize, but if it helps them, then so be it.

I do an okay job of managing the internal, though by no means a stellar one (ask any of my ex's). This past year has been a very large learning curve for me, managing a failing long term relationship, getting out of said relationship, moving out on my own for the first time ever (even though I have a roommate, he's not my safety net like The Ex or my parents were/are), rebuilding a social circle, beginning to date in an area with a real dating pool, negotiating said pool, learning the in's and out's of dating (beginning, middle and end), working at a relatively new job, wanting to move out of that job and into private practice, etc., etc., etc. It's been a mess, but I'm still here, I've not gone insane, I've managed to live my life and find some happiness here and there and to keep things in balance (with the occasional swing to extremes).

Overall, not a bad year. But a very bad run-on sentence/paragraph. ;-)

07 February 2000

08 February 2000

Risk

Eye is looking a tad better today, though still red as all. The drops seem to be helping somewhat.

Canceled all of my social engagements for the week so as not to pass this infection, and am going to stay at home and be a hermit (well, as much as one can be a hermit these days with net access to all of your friends in real time). Whatever. I'm upset at myself for getting it, I'm upset at the person who gave it to me (whoever that person is - it is easier to be annoyed at some anonymous someone than at a specific person - the specific someone I'd have to deal with and would forgive easily).

I want a normal, healthy life. Not a risk free life, I can accept that there are time when I'll not feel well - that's normal. But one in which I'm not constantly bitching about my health because it's not quite right. Again. Is that so much to ask?

This is not an intellectual response to this issue - intellectually I know this is no big deal, it's easy to catch and to get rid of a simple bacteria infection. Emotionally, though, I want to continue screaming at the top of my lungs. Reminds me of my father dealing with my coming out. Intellectually he knew this was no big deal, I was still his son, still the same Eagle Scout he had raised, etc. Emotionally, his first born child, his namesake, had just told him there would likely be no grandchildren, at least not from me. Ouch.

...

Feeling discombobulated (wow, spell check didn't pick that one up!) messes up my writing. As if it isn't disjointed enough. :-p

Thankfully these moods pass quickly and I'm back to my normal, perky self in no time.

Am I allowed to scream a huge "FUCK!" at the sky? Might annoy the neighbors (well, perhaps not, given the number of paint layers on my walls), but I'd feel a lot better.

Okay, I'm outta here to head home and do mega-loads of laundry.

...

Did the laundry (5 loads again - I need to stop saving this stuff for one trip!), have clean sheets, towels and undies again. Hooray! Got some good pasta in me, talked with a few friends online, relaxed. Oh, and one of the books I ordered online came in. ecampus.com did a good job, I was impressed. Got a free water bottle from them, too. LOL! A good productive evening, I suppose. A good antidote for what troubles most days. Now to bed so I can run or bike tomorrow morning. I'm focusing more on the cardio this week (mainly since I'd rather not go to the gym this week with the dermatitis - I feel on display enough with the piercings), so more of that in one form or another than the weights. Still trying to decide what it is I want to do with my workouts. I'm not satisfied with them, so it's time to re-examine.

09 February 2000

Quote

Wanted to make this entry with a cool quote I found yesterday in Bending the Landscape: Original Gay and Lesbian Writing Science Fiction, edited by Nicola Griffith and Stephen Pagel. The story in question is "Who Plays with Sin" by Don Bassingwaithe:

Say "faggot", say "queer", say "gay-boy". Even as insults they had a raw power. Primal, street-level, animal-level. There was sex in the words. Say "faggot" and there was a cock in your mouth - whether you enjoyed it or despised it, it was there. "Homosexual" was cold. Clinical. Dead. Desexed, but with implication sof perversity and mental illness. It was a safe word for straights, no more dangerous than a sterile tongue depressor.

Just liked that quote and wanted to share it.

10 February 2000

Glasses

Up, down, up down. That's what the health has been like lately. Today has been an up day thus far (in the middle of the afternoon), let's hope it stays that way.

Looking forward to this weekend now. I get to show off for Doug why it is I like to cook, which of course means a nice long trip to Safeway Saturday morning. I should go get one of those little carts for carrying groceries in. I know they make you look like a bag lady, but you try carrying multiple bags of groceries up 16th Street in the cold and not feel like your arms are going to fall off halfway there. :-)

...

Hopefully the warm weather today (felt like spring! It was so nice to get out of the office for the all-hands meeting today!) and the rain predicted for late tomorrow will get rid of the last of the snow on the streets. I like snow as much as any moose does, but not when it's black with road grime. Ewww!

...

Today was one of those odd time days. It alternated between fast and slow all day long. Couldn't believe it was only 2:30, but then I turned around and it was already 4 p.m., and now I can't believe it's not 5:15 already! Gotta love subjective time when you get busy (or unbusy).

Discovered a sure way to make my phone ring - plug in my headphones. :-p I try not to disturb my office mate with the music I listen to (which varies, depending on my mood), so I use headphones while at work and listening to music. It also gives me a way to concentrate on the business at hand rather than all the competing voices talking in the hallway right outside my office, which is a regular gathering place for folks. I don't begrudge them the common space, but I like to tune them out on occasion as well.

New glasses are in, so hopefully soon (after the eye has healed) I'll get some new pictures up here on the site. Hooray! I'll be able to see again! :-)

...

Well, was a good boy, sort of. :-) Got home at a decent hour (i.e., before 10p.m.), had a good dinner (tofu!), and got my glasses. Hooray! Went to get the glasses, didn't want to head home immediately (and deal with massively crowded buses), so I called Dennis and got him to go to City Lights with me, we had Homestyle Bean Curd (yum!), then popped over to visit with folks at the weekly gay.com happy hour. Not a bad night.

13 February 2000

Calm

Very nice weekend. Doug came over Saturday for dinner and stayed until this evening. I cooked for him, 4 meals in 2 days. It was nice to have someone to cook for again, I miss that. While I will on occasion cook for B and myself, that doesn't happen but so often, so I enjoyed having the appreciating audience. Lots of garlic, lots of veggies, lots of leftovers for lunch this week. :-)

Spent a lot of time just being together with no set plans. Playing games, reading the newspaper, eating, sleeping, cuddling. Together time, with no pressures to be anywhere, to do anything or answer to anyone.

I could easily fall in love with Doug. He shares many of my views on life (and challenges me in others), he takes care of himself, he runs, he's to be a lawyer, and he's willing to put up with me, 'warts and all.' He seems a good fit for what I want in my life, and I get the distinct impression that I meet his needs as well. Time will tell, and I'm afraid to push too hard, truth be told.

Since leaving The Ex I've not seemed to have a relationship (romantic relationship - must clarify that point) last more than about two months. I'm at a month now and I hope I can break that record. Of those relationships one has grown to be my best friend, someone I value and love almost as dearly as (or more than?) I love my own family; I don't regret any of those relationships, each man was/is very special to me. But it would be nice to be able to sustain a romantic relationship past this mystic two month limit.

...

Eye is clear again, thankfully. The glasses are working well now that I'm adjusted to the new prescription and I like the new, thinner lenses they talked me into. Did my taxes this evening and it's good news (especially considering the panic attack taxes induced in my last month!).

I'm catching flak from my friends because on Saturday I broke down and bought one of those 'bag lady carts' with which you see folks hauling groceries. I have to say, it was a much happier alternative to dragging the damned things the 25 minute walk uphill from the grocery store! My shoulders are certainly thanking me. And no need to contribute to the "Moose Grocery Taxi Fund" now, guys. :-p I like the walk, and I'd rather do that than take a taxi all the way from the grocery store when I'm capable of walking it.

14 February 2000

Do Something!

Another fast/slow day. First half flew by, second half is dragging like crazy. Got several things done in the morning that needed to be done quickly and I guess it just made everything go faster. In the meantime, this afternoon is going so slow. Trying to pick a single task and stick on it til it gets done is frequently difficult in this office - I get tons of small questions, E-mails, phone calls, etc., all day long ("Can we pay for this?" "Can we get out of paying for this?" "Is this how this works procedurally?" etc., etc., etc., etc...). The joys of being the sole lawyer in the office. :-) But all of those things make it very difficult to focus on one task and get it done unless I can slap on headphones (which is guaranteed to make the phone ring) and successfully shut out the world. Easier said than done.

...

Tonight was kinda strange. I got to chat with Doug (hooray!) and some of my friends on gay.com, but the chatroom on gay.com was kinda dull this evening. I fixed leftovers, ate, chatted and got bored, so I went and rode the exercise bike for 1/2 an hour. Felt the need to do something, so I went and did something. *shrug* Felt better after I did it, I will admit. And the nice warm shower afterwards was an added bonus.

Don't know why it was so dull tonight, I guess it was just an off night or something. Or maybe I'm just tired of chatting.

Nah. ;-)

15 February 2000

Easy?

I was online looking at my news and email today and one of the banner ads promised "Relationships Made Easy." I literally laughed out loud at that. Whoever thinks relationships are easy doesn't really want a relationship. Yes, they have their easy moments and it's frequently easy to ‘fall into' one, but keeping one alive and working well is something that requires some effort on both sides. This notion of an ‘easy' relationship just seems silly to me.

Ludicrous. "Relationships Made Easy," my foot.

...

I'm going to attempt to jazz up this site some. I realized how stupid I was being not to use frames again. It's not like I've not used ‘em before and I'm perfectly capable of building them, I just got out of the habit of building sites, so... Time to fix that. :) And perhaps add some javascript. Fancy stuff isn't beyond me, I can learn and apply programming languages fairly easily, especially ones as simple as the ones the web uses, so... time to learn I suppose.

There's too much that I want to learn to do, though. I want to speak Chinese better than I do, I'd love to learn Spanish, I want to learn more sign language than I know now, I want to be a better web designer, I want to create neat things that will make people oooh and aaaah. I want too much. :-)

18 February 2000

Testing... 1... 2... 3...

Archives

21 February 2000

Love

Spent another weekend with Doug and we actually said the "L" word to each other. Yes, gentle reader, once again this tortured soul is in love with a man. It feels so sappy sometimes to go through all this, this emotional roller coaster that comes with realizing you love someone, all over little hormonal changes that hit with no apparent rhyme or reason. "Does he like me, too?" "Will he continue to like me when he discovers X,Y,Z about me?" "Does he want to go out again?" "Will his family like me?" "Will my family like him?"

Worth it?

Yes. :-) Oh, most definitely yes.

He likes to cuddle, he's dragged me to two movies now (I've now seen three movies so far this year - the same number I saw all of 1999), shown me movies (DVDs) at home, taken me to have dinner with his brother and sister-in-law, gone shopping with me, gone clubbing with me, calls or emails daily and is just generally wonderful.

*contented sigh*

...

Ran Sunday morning, then came home, had lunch and crashed. Gotta love this new Zyrtec the HMO forced my doctor to give me. Nothing like an allergy medication that knocks me out, at least here at the beginning before my body adjusts to it. (wasn't that why I wanted a prescription, so I didn't fall asleep when I took allergy medications? Why take this and not Benedryl?). Run was good, have to get back into the habit of exercise after the almost two weeks of spotty stuff I've done now.

Of course, might have been fighting off a 48 hour bug, too, since I did a lot of extra sleeping this weekend. Who knows?

Anyway, time for sleep for this night, since B is fussing at me for the phone line. ;-)

24 February 2000

Lazy? Ha!

Okay, gotta stop being so lazy about writing. It's just been so busy the past few days both at work and at home that I've not taken the time to sit down and write again.

Let's see, I re-advertised this web site to my email list and, of course, hits went way up. I just got the stats thing working again, though I want to customize those now (I used to get more information when it came via email - now it's on the web and it looks great, but isn't as informative as I'd like). I'm in the process of either merging or starting anew another email list I run, the original list The Ex and I started many moons ago. Esosoft has been great for web hosting, but when the dumped their list services over onto Topica the service level dropped to pretty much nil. I got little support from Topica and Esosoft during the switch, very little warning that it was happening, period (despite the fact that I had paid for the list hosting to avoid commercial emails and footers on the messages - I'm still pissed about that trick), and, worst of all, I get tons of Spam now thanks to Topica. I am not impressed by them, nor will I ever go with their service again. Onelist, on the other hand, has been very nice. Yes, the footer ads are annoying, but they're not that large and are easily ignored. Service has been good there and I'm very satisfied with them overall.

Was out with "the Herd" last night ("The Nerd Herd" - the young'uns from where I work) to celebrate two birthdays. That was a good time, it was nice to be out with my friends, to have no pressures to be elsewhere, etc., etc.

I seem to recall I'm supposed to be acting as a hand-holder for a friend who's supposed to get pierced tonight, but he's not called me yet. We shall see.

...

I've still not decided whether or not I can use this stupid Zyrtec. I appreciate that my HMO wants to save money, but the way in which they switched my medications was not kosher in my book. Maybe if I take it before bed the drowsiness factor won't be as bad. But that was why I liked the Claritin - I forget to take medications before bed, and Claritin was easy to take first thing in the morning. No drowsiness, no stomach problems, no interactions with other medications. *snarl*

...

Lunch is calling. Chinese. Tofu. *mmmmm*

...

Okay, I take back the desire for more information in my stats report. The month name with the big overall numbers was a link to a report with more information that I could ever possibly need to know. Cool. So I guess I have gotten a hit or two the past two months (only January and February data was available). It does tell me that I really need to redo the web site for the list itself as I'm still getting a lot of hits for that, people looking for chat rooms and email lists and the like. Whoops!

...

No call yet on hand holding, so I guess I'm not needed. Ah, well.

Had a project I was very involved with get shot out from under me today by the third party we were dealing with. Can't go into detail (bloody security regulations), but it was a tad frustrating. My job is, to a large degree, getting the government off the hook for paying for things (which, I suppose, in some way justifies them paying me - I cost less than paying for these other costs). No can do on this one, the records we sought didn't fit the definition of those for which we didn't have to pay. Win some, lose some.

And as a warning to all of you out there, if the title of a Act has the word "Privacy" anywhere in it, don't believe it; it's most likely a modification of some way for the government to get at whatever records are being "protected" under the statute.

The things you learn when you intern.

...

Let me just say, after having putzed with my personal site for a few hours (not that anyone will notice as I've not posted any of it yet), that starting from scratch, including new .jpg's for various things, is a royal pain in the ass. No wonder I'm a lawyer and not a web designer. ;-) Lawsuits are easy compared to this mess. And I've not even started attempting to get the javascript in there. Ugh!

'Twill be worth it when done, but the doing is something to save for this weekend, I thin, while Doug is otherwise occupied with studying and family obligations.

...

Tried another Zyrtec this evening (I know, I know, repetitive I am). It's working surprisingly well, so maybe I do need to take them in the evening before dinner. Or start it there, get it into the system and then switch to the a.m. schedule. We'll see. All I care about is that the sniffles are gone! Hooray!

Now time to chat with friends and sip a pot of Sleepytime Tea until bed.

25 February 2000

Dance

(Read in best Captain Kirk style) Must Fight Mid Afternoon Malaise! Must Not Resort To Caffeine!

It's too nice outside (70s!!!!!), why do I have to stay in this office? I need a nap in a warm sunbeam. Never mind that I have work to do, a conference for which to prepare. ;-) Just give me that nap.

I miss school days in which I could spend a good deal of the afternoon napping if need be. Those naps were a good thing. I refuse to resort to caffeine just yet. May go clubbing with Doug later this evening (Badlands?), so I'll have some before we go there to keep me awake enough to dance, but not before. I hope.

*yawn*

...

Okay, time to get out of here and head home so I can catch up with Doug. Time to dance!

27 February 2000

On the Platform

I realized Saturday morning early (well, Friday night, I suppose) why it is that every time I go dancing and there's a platform I like to get up on the platform - it's more comfortable up there! I'm, so bloody short that I start to feel crushed when the crowd gets to close, so the platform, besides being a fun place to meet neat people, is a way to get above and out of the crowd. I like being able to see folks from there, and to catch eyes and what not. Again, I think it boils down to my desire for attention. I live on it.

...

Picked up more furniture today from The Ex, leftovers of our life together. I like having additional seating (kitchen table seats! Hooray!), and it was actually quite a good exchange for the two of us. Both had a friend with us, so both had someone to talk to afterward. Perhaps we're ready to start dealing with each other without the hurts of the end of that relationship. Dunno yet, that was still hard, but hopefully we're moving past it.

...

Took Jon out to dinner for helping me with the furniture (having owned a pickup truck, I know all too well how popular those make one). It was a good dinner, then a good time at JR's. Drank, but not excessively, which was a pleasant change. And also ate sensibly, not pigging out on the burger and fries (didn't touch the fries, truth be told). Felt good to go out and have some measure of control.

Talked with Doug when I got home. I do love that man, and daily that relationship grows stronger. Made plans for later in the week with him, which will be nice. I miss him, even if just for the day. Glad he's doing well, too.

29 February 2000

Surgery

Got up Monday, ran (felt good), got all psyched to get working on things, went to work, got a good cup of decaf from the building next door, settled in to get working on presentations I have to give next week, then they went us home. Asbestos. The building management company was removing it a few floors down but the smell from the solvents was so bad it was making people ill, so they sent us home about an hour and a half after I got here, just as my boss was walking back in the door from another meeting.

So, I went shopping. ;-) Actually, I went and got my grocery shopping done for the next week or so, both at the health food store (dairy free chocolate and cookies!) and at Safeway. Thank heavens I have that cart - I'd never have gotten all those groceries back home with just me to carry them. More than anything it's just nice to have a full pantry again. Should've done my laundry, too, but napped instead, then had my computer's power supply die on me later yesterday evening. Which means this entry won't get uploaded for a day or so. Hopefully I'll get a supply today when I have to walk over to a meeting several blocks away (which happens to be convenient to a little computer store downtown). Keeping my fingers crossed until I get it in and everything's working. Maybe this will solve the slowness that has been plaguing my computer of late (I knew the supply was dying, it was just a question of when).

...

Well, power supply successfully obtained, so now we'll see whether or not the thing works. *fingers crossed* ... In the meantime I priced computers and upgrades today. Ouch! You'd think they'd make this easy but no, it has to be incredibly difficult and expensive instead. *sigh* I just want the silly thing to work.

...

Got the supply home, unplugged the old one, plugged in the new one, called Dad so I had someone on the phone to hear me scream if it started to fry and turned on the power. It works (well, yeah, it had to if I'm still working on the Diary!). Whew! Was a tad worried there, all for naught it appears. Thank heavens. So, I enter the world of true geekdom, I've now replaced the power supply in my computer (as well as assorted boards, hard disks, etc.). Woo-hoo!