Of Moose And Men
The Best Laid Plans Of Both Often Go Astray

My name is Moose, I’m from Washington DC, and I’m aware of a feeling of calm and peace.

Celebrate the Body Erotic was, as always, a fantastic experience. Slightly smaller group, I think (28, including the staff), but the energy was fantastic. My impression was that while there were, as always, some men with wounds to explore, there seemed to be less crying and more laughter this time around on Sunday (for those who haven’t been, on the final day there’s a long, focused massage that frequently is a very strong emotional experience for those being massaged).

For my own part, I did laugh again on Sunday, but not quite as much as I did the previous two times I’ve done this workshop. The laughter started earlier in the session, but it died down and the feeling I got was more one of energy building up inside, like the qi (probably more specifically jing qi) kept accumulating until the end when I had to gather and release it upward (away from other participants). I repeatedly had to throw the energy off – it was too much to hold onto for long. But while I had it and could play with it? Wow. Even now the thought makes me tingle.

The time spent down, with good food, friendly men, fresh air, good sleep, and lots and lots of touch was exactly what I needed. With this foot injury I have been withdrawn from my body, ignoring it while it healed, and not living inside of it. Not a healthy thing to do. So getting back to that, and reconnecting with it was precisely what I needed right now (though my “you-haven’t-been-running” calves are now telling me how much I haven’t been using them today!). I’m very glad I had made the decision to do this session this year. I think I’d like to do one of the week-long ones this upcoming year.

I highly recommend these to anyone and everyone (and yes, they have them for straight folks and couples, too). It’s not going to be everyone’s cup of tea, but I have found it very useful in my life.

So today I’m just sort of lounging and processing. I’ll do some errands later, but in the meantime I’m enjoying just being.

WTF? Hot lawyers, and they’re all straight, and married, and that’s the story of my life.

Cookout at my friend L’s place in SE DC with her and her husband and their friends from the DOD. She’s one of 2 people, perhaps three that I’ve stayed in touch with from undergrad. It was good to see them both and their friends, and I enjoyed seeing them all.

I swear, I can’t get my father’s words out of my head, “We wish your attention span were longer.” That was so cutting a comment, and felt so true. Seeing people my age with kids 7 and up didn’t help. It would likely be easier if I didn’t get along with kids so well, either. I do sort of miss that, even if I don’t particularly want to raise children of my own. I wish I were closer to my nieces. i do miss seeing more of them as they grow up.

I think I finally pinned down what it is I’ve been feeling for the past day or so, and that’s lost. Something I considered an anchor (though whether I clung to that anchor for the right reasons is a whole other story) is gone, and I’m doing the usual soul-searching that comes from such an upheaval.

And it’s not particularly fun.

This on the heels of just having had a “what do you want to do with your life” talk with my supervisor, going over advancement possibilities, and thinking about what else I might want to do with my career. I’m fairly happy with my job, though I will admit these days to being somewhat bored with it, too. Same old issues, same old fights, and in some ways a new crew of managers coming in (not in my office, but in others I deal with) who are not quite as pleasant to work with as the ones I deal with daily now. Do I want to stick with that? But what else would I do? So frustrating.

It doesn’t help me that I’m horrible at cultivating a support network. I don’t reach out to folks as I might, and I don’t really go outside myself when dealing with a problem (save for venting here). “My problems are my problems,” my little brain says to me, “and they’re for me to deal with, alone, until they’re taken care of.” And that’s not always the best solution. In fact, it’s probably rarely the best solution. I work, maybe I go exercise, I come home, I veg, I maybe chat online, but that’s it. And I don’t think that’s enough for me.

I’m also very seriously reconsidering the IM in November. My parents are iffy, because Dad’s going to have some surgery around then and so they don’t know if they’ll be able to travel out. BC won’t be coming, obviously. And frankly, the idea of going out there for a week and coming across that finish line for something that big with no one there to greet me, celebrate with me, or just to see it happen is just not an appealing one. Yes, I wanted to do it because it’s a challenge, but I’m not sure if I like the cost at this point.

Sorry for the overly dramatic last post. That’s what comes of posting in the moment, or right after the moment, as the case may be.

Yes, BC and I are no longer together. ‘Twas the culmination of several factors, and I fear the fault here really is mine. No freak out like the last guy I dated, but still, in the end I just wasn’t enough.

Thank you to the friends who reached out, I do appreciate that.

Today has pretty much been spent alternating between numbness and tears, not helped any by a hangover from last night’s Independence Day festivities. I just realized how little sleep I got last night from the time print on the last post – I had thought we’d crashed right after midnight, but it seems we were up a lot later than that. So for tonight some meditations on what has happened, and lots of sleep. This absolutely, positively stinks on ice, and it’s going to hurt for some time to come, and that’s not the overreaction of last night talking, either.

And then he proved, once again, that he was a failure. And life was what it was. And he was in pain, of his own fault. For he failed, and that was the end of the question, that he failed, and there was naught else that could be done to correct the failure, for it was total and entire.

BC: I’m blaming this all on you!
Moi: What, the hangover?
BC: I have a 9:00 am call with my admissions counselor to talk about the web interface I have to use to take my classes.
Moi: It’s college; hangovers are expected.

Well, that was a pleasant way to spend a weekend. Most of it was, thankfully, spent with BC. Quiet night in on Friday. He went home for a good chunk of Saturday, then came back that evening for an outing.

We headed out with friends for drinks, dinner and Cloverfield Saturday evening. The camera work did not make me sick, though I suspect it was a one-time watch for me (big screen – good; small screen – meh; at least that was my impression of it). I do also have to echo another bloggers comment that “I wanted to see more monster, and less people.” The relationship drama stuff could have been cut down in order to see more of the actual attack, and I suspect any military folks watching (as was the premise at the beginning) would have edited out all that extraneous stuff in favor of “more monster.”

We were very nearly late to dinner because, well, in the spirit of MAL (which we did not attend) I attacked him in some of my Nasty Pig gear when he came in the door about an hour before we had to head out. That was quite fun.

Sunday was langorous. We finally bestirred ourselves from some gaming in the morning after sleeping in (Mass Effect on the Xbox for me, Bioshock on his laptop for him), got a nice big late lunch at Thai Tanic, then picked up stuff at Whole Paycheck for a mushroom & sun-dried tomato risotto that evening. Yum!! Fantastic recipe out of Vegan with a Vengeance, though I modified it slightly (more rice, mainly). We were glad to spend most of the day indoors, since the temps never really made it out of the 20s. Poor BC forgot to bring gloves, so when we hauled the groceries back to the car (two bags total) I handed him one of mine for his bag. He laughed, but still took it gratefully as we wandered back, one gloved hand with groceries out, one hand firmly ensconced in a pocket.

Unfortunately he had to work today, but we have date plans tomorrow – another nice night in with movie and some soup (a curried split pea soup, to be precise). For most of the day I was a bum. Did hop on the bicycle trainer to spin out a few miles for a little over an hour, but mostly played more Mass Effect. Beat the game late this evening playing on “casual” mode, so I’ll have to play it through later on a more difficult level. For now it’s back to one or more of the games on the Wii, I suspect, so I can finish those and perhaps lend them to BC.

Back to the salt mines tomorrow, though even with all the other stuff I was doing this weekend I think I came up with a solution to a sticky wicket one of our programs has gotten into by mis-reading some of my office’s advice. Clarification (to the program; not here) shall be forthcoming tomorrow.

I finally hauled out my knitting stuff this evening and sat down with it to learn basic knitting. Practiced the casting on method a couple of times. Ultimately cast too many stitches, but so be it. Done several rows, with the expected dropped stitches. The first few were nice and even, the last two were a tad too loose. It’s a start, and we’ll see how the rest of it goes another night.

I would, however, recommend to others considering starting knitting that they not start with a very dark thread, as it makes seeing the thread a tad difficult when you’re getting started (I have a dark brown thread).

The repetitive motions were a nice balm for the end of an otherwise hectic day at work. Tomorrow promises to be more of the same, I’m sure. Haircut planned after work, but then it’s likely home to chill some more. BC’s also got a busy week at work, though his busy weeks usually mean later hours for him, so no seeing him until the weekend.

When you have a second person spending a considerable amount of time at your house, it’s amazing how much faster you run through personal grooming products.

Received a book from a friend today, a textbook on Queensland criminal law which I’d helped him read and edit. He thoughtfully included me in the dedications, a first for me. Strange to see my name there in print, but also kind of cool.

On the same line as the grooming products note, I got a new iron today in the mail. I hardly ever use my iron (I’m lazy), but BC uses one almost daily, so my old, leaky iron was not going to cut it. Especially after it leaked all over my desk. So, claiming my title as “Mr. Exciting” I ordered a new one. Very fancy, I’ll try it tomorrow morning before work. And shock my coworkers by not looking completely wrinkled. Maybe.

BC and I had a nice, low-key NYE, over at a friend’s house with a few other folks. Much fun was had playing Godzilla Unleashed on his Wii, and aside from a single glass of champagne at midnight I didn’t touch a drop (I drove up there so we didn’t have to deal with taxis or Metro). Driving home was the most challenging part – drunken people popping out in the road at random intervals, all trying to flag down any taxi they could. What. A. Mess.

No new year’s day run this year – we got up too late, and then had to zip off to another get-together at Richard’s place in the afternoon. No matter, we got in a nice 4 miles today which, while cold, wasn’t bad. The cold symptoms are calming somewhat finally, but aren’t completely gone quite yet. Rest, relaxation, lots of water, and no drinking. Am going to begin exercising again, though. I just can’t wait any longer.

Speaking of which, signed up for my third and final triathlon for this year, the Nation’s Triathlon here in DC. So I’m doing Columbia in May (Olympic distance), Nation’s Tri in September (Olympic again), and Ironman Arizona (aka IMZ) in November. And a couple of other running events, I’m sure, sprinkled in between (Lawyers Have Heart 10k in June, the National Press Club 5k in September, etc.). Aside from IMZ, they’re all local things, so not a ton of travel for races this year, which should be a bit easier, especially if I’m transitioning jobs later this year.

We did a little shopping today, and I picked up some extra controllers for the two gaming systems, as well as recharging stations for both – no more disposable batteries.

So, a nice quiet beginning to the year, which I hope bodes well for the rest of it.