Of Moose And Men
The Best Laid Plans Of Both Often Go Astray

Well, I made it through the triathlon season. I think this is the first time in my five years of doing tris that I’ve done all the races I was signed up for, and didn’t get a major (or minor) injury. No broken wrist, no broken ankle, no sprains, no plantar fasciitis, none of the usual maladies. Not bad.

The last race, the Nation’s Triathlon, which I haven’t written up, was my fastest to date – 3:17:21, or about 15 minutes faster than my previous fastest Olympic distance race. I attribute most of that to the bike. This was a relatively flat course compared to the other races I’ve done, and it showed. However, that said, while the swim went really well at North East (in that I swam the whole thing), I managed to swim, bike, AND run the entire distance with no pauses for rest, which I have to say I’m particularly tickled about. I’ve always had to take walking breaks on the run, and it was soooo nice not having that happen this time. Getting there, albeit slowly.

It does bode well for a good season next year, with a bit more thought going into preparation now. As I mentioned last month, I’m signed up for three races, an Olympic, a Half and a full IM, and I’m starting to do some off-season stuff to help get going for next year, planning out the general tone of workouts, getting in some yoga, etc. I want this next year to work, racing-wise, and to do well at the IM.

In other news™, I find myself smitten. A friend I’ve known very casually online popped down to DC from Boston over Labor Day weekend, and let me know he was coming in. We planned and then met up for bear happy hour at Motley on Friday night, and well, I finally slept in my own bed again Monday night after putting him on a train back to BWI to fly home. To say that we hit it off well would be an understatement. I’ve very much been enjoying chatting with him, flirting via SMS, etc. Mike’s a good guy, and I look forward to getting to know him better. Longer readers will know that I rarely travel on my own (when not for races), so the fact that I have plane tickets to Boston next month should be a sign of how this is going. We know it’ll be a challenge living in two very different cities, but since when have I done anything normally? And I think he’s worth it.

Well, after trying this once before in 2008, and massively failing owing to plantar fasciitis and a spectacular break up, I’ve signed up for another Ironman race, this time in Louisville, Kentucky. On August 29, 2010, at 7:00 am sharp I’ll hit the Ohio river and hopefully sometime before midnight I’ll finish.

Still a little bit freaked out this evening, much as I was when I first signed up for Arizona. I know I can put in the work, and frankly after the injury I think I’m better able to focus on what I need to do to get through this. I’m signed up for one other race next year at the moment, the Eagleman 70.3 (that’s a half-Ironman), and I’m hoping to get into the Columbia triathlon for the third year in a row (registration opens Tuesday). That’ll be it for tris, and I might through in a road race or two as well. I haven’t sketched out the year’s full plan as yet, because I want to get through my last race in two weeks, the Nation’s Triathlon, first. Then I’ll fill in the gaps and set things in motion.

I’ll get through this one.

This particular song by Alanis came on in the car tonight, and it ended up meaning a lot more than on previous listens:

“I am someone easy to leave”
“Even easier to forget”
A voice, if inaccurate

Again: “I’m the one they all run from”
Diatribes of clouded sun
Someone help me find the pause button

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren’t my own
Wreaking havoc

“I’m too exhausting to be loved”
“A volatile chemical”
“Best to quarantine and cut off”

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren’t my own
Wreaking havoc

“I’m but a thorn in your sweet side”
“You’d better off without me”
“It’d be best to leave at once”

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren’t my own
Wreaking havoc

Ah, negative thinking, how much you run through the brain and won’t let it keep moving. Another breakthrough today, and something else to think more about, post-DLOC. One wonders where these thoughts come from, and why they’re taking so much of my energy with them. I think the DLOC journal will be getting some more writing this week.

For some reason the reintegration back into real life has been a bit difficult. There was the inevitable backup of work at the BGA (“vacation is its own punishment”), breaking things off with someone I’d been dating, adjustment back to east coast time (which means I have to try and fight my normal nature to be a night owl), and just doing the little things like unpacking everything and putting it all away, sorting mail, grocery shopping, etc. Still haven’t done the grocery shopping, so I’ve been subsisting on ever-shrinking supplies of staples from the freezer and cabinet. Not a bad thing, it’s good to clear those out every now and again, but not perhaps the healthiest meals I could be eating.

One thing I’ve been doing to integrate some of our practices from DLOC has been to post “appreciations” over on FaceBook. Just little things to acknowledge those things I’m appreciative of for whatever reason. It does help to make one more mindful of what’s going on in your life, which has made it a useful tool for me.

Past that I’m trying to find my motivation to get back to tri training for my last two races this season, and finish up my commitment with the club’s volunteer work this month. “The Pile” of books has grown since coming back, including some re-reading of classics I feel the need to reexamine in light of the DLOC and SF experiences (The Ethical Slut, the Tao Te Ching/Dao De Jing). I’m about 1/2 an inch from finishing sock #2 on pair #2, and I have another pull ball ready to go on the next set, but the one sock’s been sitting here unloved as I try to work myself back into life.

Picked up another bike yesterday. I wanted something a bit better for zipping around town than my mountain bike (which is a good bike, but not the best for commuting). I went in a slightly different direction, a single gear, and put “campus pedals” on it (clipless on one side, regular pedal platform on the other), so I don’t have to throw on bike shoes just to zip somewhere if I wish to bike out. My goal there is to bike about more to things in town, and sweat be damned. It even came with a kickstand! I feel so retro with a kickstand on a bike – I don’t think I’ve had one of those since high school. With the bike, though, comes the last big purchase for the year, I think. Need to back off and pay off the remnants of vacation and the bike and plan for the end of the year and Giftmas. And to plan for the next body electric workshop next year, of course.

It’s hard to fully describe the changes wrought by DLOC, but I’ll be working on them this year.

I still have a lot of stuff to process from this past two weeks. Dear Love of Comrades (DLOC) was simply amazing, and precisely what I was needing. It revealed a lot of things to me which I needed to see and experience to help clarify where I am in my life and where I might want to go. But it’s going to be difficult to reconcile those with my daily practices. There are changes I will need to make, and I’m not entirely sure where I’m going to make them yet.

Two of the big things that were revealed were the extent to which I have let fear dictate so many of my actions. Fear of change and fear of my body being at the top of that list. And then, as I dwelt on those, the incredible sense of anger I felt at how I’d let that fear dictate things, and especially anger at my body and how it sets me aside from the norm (more specifically the lactose intolerance and all the problems associated with that, and the extensive history of cancer in my family and how that affects me and my behaviors). Most of this was revealed on Friday, first during the daily movement practice before breakfast (an exercise where we were visualizing our obstacles and chopping, pushing, dropping them, and then pulling toward us what we wanted in our lives), then in a large heart circle we had before and after lunch.

I knew there were emotions that were going to be revealed as part of the week – no one gets through Body Electric without some sort of emotional experience, large or small – but I don’t think I expected these particular ones. Of course, my previous experiences with Body Electric have all been ones where I felt this overwhelming joy at the connections made. I got a lot of that joy during the week as well; the big draw we did on Wednesday was the most intense, and the most intensely erotic, that I’ve experienced to date. Unlike last fall where I felt the build up of energy in me, but didn’t know what to do with it, so released it, this time I held the energy, moved it over and around my body with my hands, and claimed it as my own. It was incredible to hold that much energy and be able to channel it rather than simply releasing it into the cosmos. I did laugh again, from giggling to full body, shaking laughter. Even thinking about the experience now, a week and a half later, gives me goose bumps. There was one moment where the masseur was working on my lower body and one of the assistants came over and put his hands under my back, helping me arch up and throw my head back as I lost track of where was up and down, simply concentrating on how awesome (and erotic) the whole thing felt. I spoke first when we were done, describing the marvelous experience I’d just had, and started by repeating the word “wow” over and over again (when asked to breathe into it, the coordinator said to breathe into “Wow to the ninth power”). I don’t normally speak first for those, but it just came bubbling out this time.

Comparing that amazing experience and connection to the much more mellow and introspective weekend after Friday’s revelation feels somewhat unfair, but they’re part and parcel of the same body of experience. There is incredible joy to be found in the connections with other people, but there are barriers I’ve erected to fully giving myself over to the connections I could be making, and I need to change that.

One of the hardest things about coming back into the Bay area from up on the mountain in Guerneville was the lack of practiced movement. Each morning at DLOC you got a choice between a walk/hike or practiced movement (yoga, sufi meditation, etc.). All but one morning I did the movement exercise, all of which were wonderful (and, as written about above, cathartic in one case). Even when we were getting together during the day we were able to move and dance and stretch, experiencing the wonder of being fully present in (and thus mindful of) our bodies. Wandering around SF I kept wanting to stop and drop into yoga poses when the feeling arose, but of course even in SF there are expectations of behavior (and public sidewalks aren’t conducive to yoga). I had to content myself with stretching my arms above and to the side when I was able, and that just wasn’t the same. I suspect one thing I’ll have to do more is that type of spontaneous stretching during the day – close my office door and take a few moments to stretch out and be present in my body. It can’t hurt, and I’m lucky to have that freedom to be able to close that door and take a brief break, even in work drag.

One thing I’ve already brought back into my life is posting those things I appreciate, both to FB and to my main countfour blog (it wasn’t like there was anything else going to it!). Just noting something every day which I’m thankful for has been a good practice. It helps to focus on the positive, and to be more mindful of the experience of living.

The school set up a yahoo group for our class, at first to share rides up and otherwise coordinate travel, but also to keep in touch after the experience. Thus far it’s been pretty busy, with folks posting regularly to describe their transition back to “normalcy”. I’m glad to have this group of men, and this forum to stay in touch with them. It’s all too easy to let these experiences slip back into the background and fall back into old patterns, and I don’t want that to happen if I can avoid it. I can’t go on living as if this had never happened; I’d be miserable if I did.

Thank you, DC Ofc. of Tax & Revenue, for timely processing my tax return. Thanks to that, one more student loan bit the dust tonight. Zing. Just two more to go with that company and all the private loans will be history.

Had dinner with a friend this evening whom I hadn’t seen in a while. He got all boyfriended last year, and between that and my own craziness we hadn’t seen each other in ages. It was nice to catch up, and learn some of his new haunts these days.

I think I’ve figured out a pattern for a scarf for myself. Given that I’ve knit maybe one thing for myself (the brown fingerless gloves, which I’ve not used because they need some repair), I think that’s pretty noteworthy. Well, that and the fact that I really dislike wearing scarves. They’re a necessary evil, and they always seem to be too bulky, which is why I’ve been trying to wrap my head around what I want in a scarf (thin, short, non-bulky – a bit of insulation for the neck, but not something that’ll puff out the jacket). Have to do a test swatch soon in the yarn I think I want to use (yay stash!), and then I’ll get to working it up. In the meantime I’ve made a bunch of progress on a traditional sock, and started a new hat for a friend (to match the one I already gave his boyfriend – same pattern & yarn brand, different yarn colors). Yes, I’ve had knitting on the brain.

Been doing my stability exercises as prescribed. I suspect these, like the IT band stretches before them, will become part of the overall maintenance repertoire. Not a bad thing, certainly something I’ve needed to do, so it’s good to get some direction there.

Which brings me to this race season. I’m signed up for two races at the moment, and I might do them, but I’m not going to focus a lot on racing this year. My focus needs to be more on weight loss and overall stability (i.e., injury proofing). I’ll still be training, but those two things need to be priority over actual racing, so that I can come back with a much better 2010 race season (and a healthier body overall).

All in all a very good Thanksgiving day. Was nice and quiet for most of it. The store this morning was uncrowded and uncharacteristically quick to get out of. The cooking went well, and I took the better of the two batches of cupcakes with me (made 2 dozen). Unfortunately I’ve broken a ring on my icing piper, so it was slathered on by spreader rather than piped nicely, but they did fine.

Side note: I really, really want to make the margarita cupcakes I found in the cookbook while flipping back to the buttercreme frosting recipe.

The dinner itself was fantastic. I took a zucchini risotto as well as the cupcakes (the mushroom selection stunk, so zucchini it was). The bird came out perfect, which the host was rightly proud of. He also thoughtfully saved me a batch of potatoes sans butter/milk, which was much appreciated. The other selections were equally tasty, with lots of good vegetables.

Some Wii was played, and I set Jon’s Wii up (he hadn’t played with it since he’d moved – in June). Next thing you know he’s going to be getting messages via the Wii from a certain someone who will have him registered here shortly. Bwhahahaha. We did warn him what the blinky blue light on the front means now, too.

Got the kitchen cleaned up just now after getting home, so no mess in the morning. Off work early tomorrow, and will plan to stop by the gym after that, swim, and hand in my receipt for the new shoes & lock. Wonder how they’ll do the credit.

Got the news that early registration for the Nation’s Tri opened for DC Tri Club folks, so signed up for that tonight. Hopefully with the stretching I’ve started doing on my feet will keep the PF under control, and keep it from recurring, and I’ll be able to do the race this time around.

The computer arrived and is now all set up. Oh, I need to back up.

Ordered a new MacBook last week. The iBook was completely out of memory, and things were running noticeably slower as newer protocols came out, so it was time to move up. A late birthday present to myself.

Anyway, so it arrived yesterday, and after much gnashing of teeth and scrambling to find an extra ethernet cable, all of my settings and files transferred over and everything is all well and good and nice. The screen is wider than the 14″ iBook, at least in appearance (the screen resolution is better, 1280×800 versus 1024×768), even though it’s a smaller screen (13″). It feels more “widescreen” than the iBook did, and I’ve had fun stretching the winders out to match the edges.

The thing that has surprised me the most about the move over was that it moved all of my programs over as well – not just the user data associated with them. So I did not have to go buy a new copy of MS Office, I didn’t have to redownload all of the chat programs, though I have had to upgrade some of the programs as I’ve run across them because this is on the newer Mac OS (10.5), and it’s intel chips versus powerpc chips.

Enough of that for now.

Work was, wow. Had a meeting with another BGA where, after much invoking of the names of senior officials of the other BGA, we got ourselves to where we needed to be (namely, getting the fucking money out of their little paws – hence my involvement). It was fun to get over to a different BGA, see their security procedures, etc. The building reminded me of my co-op, lots of aluminium and glass, very mid-century. Fun stuff.

Then, another agency was getting snippy with us over some policy calls, so I ended up hunting down crap for the political head of our office to go over and give them the smack down. That actually started before I even left home, and I ended up stopping in with our budget office and telling them I didn’t care what a budget analyst at the other agency thought about our legal authorities, and that we weren’t going to play telephone if her counsel’s office had a problem they needed to contact us directly. Which was partially aimed at my own budget office, because they have a ton of new hires, and we might as well set them straight from the beginning, otherwise my head deputy will jump down their throat the first time one of them dares to utter (or even worse, repeat) a legal opinion from a non-lawyer (he’s really touchy about our office’s prerogative there – I’ve seen him summarily dismiss opinions from non-lawyer peons from other agencies and ban them from future meetings, and he gets his way there. Yowch).

So, was running around like mad on those and a couple of other things, which was both fun and exhausting. I like it when we’re that busy, it’s so much more engaging and satisfying.

Unfortunately, between work and the need for more food in the house I did not get in a run this evening. Got home from yet another meeting with more Hill staffers this afternoon to once again talk about The Project From Heck and was just utterly wiped out. So, the last of the frozen pasta got cooked, some homemade sauce added to, and then much deliberating over which store to hit and which food to put on the list. If I don’t end up biking in the morning I might not bike at all tomorrow – it’s laundry night and I’ll be in a world of hurt if I don’t get to that tomorrow.

Getting a tad better at the exercise routine this week. I’ve been trying to switch my schedule back to getting up earlier and getting to bed earlier. It’s gradually working, but not quite as quick as I’d like. So, it’s been evening workouts so far this week. And with another meeting with congressional staff tomorrow, the pattern will repeat again tomorrow, too – long run will be in the evening, and no swim for moi. Hopefully I’ll have the sleep back to normal next week and swimming can resume then. Hell, maybe I’ll be back to normal Friday. Who knows at this point. But it’s 214 days to the Ironman, so gotta get that set and fast.

I’ve been told asked by Mom for her old flatware back (so she can stop shuttling the stuff they have between the house and the motor home). I inherited it from them many, many moons ago when they upgraded decided to change to a different pattern. I won’t shed any tears of giving up the rose pattern, but it does mean I have to shop for the stuff, which I’m sort of dreading. I’ve looked at the stuff in the past, but never with any mind to actually buy. Now I suppose I should pick something out before I go down for mother’s day so I can present her with her flatware. Good thing she hasn’t asked for the old Pfaltzgraf or then I’d really be screwed. Though plates that weren’t vintage 70s might look nice.

BC should get back Thursday or so. Miss him a lot, it’s been a long week without regular contact.