Of Moose And Men
The Best Laid Plans Of Both Often Go Astray

Life can be such an interesting experiment. After putting off seeing a specialist for ages, I finally got tired of a consistent belching that I had going on. Turns out the reflux that my mother and her father have/had was passed to me. Yay! Long story short the excess acid production was/is causing me to swallow too much air, so that’s what was/is causing the belching.

Had samples of a prescription drug, got it under control, then the samples ran out. Tried the over the counter (OTC) version, which didn’t give the same results (the samples I had were a newer form of the drug, and 4x as high a dose as the OTC stuff). So, saw the doc for a follow up today, got a prescription for the fancier stuff, and now we start the food experimentation portion of the treatment. I already know that coffee sets it off, so I gave that up a couple of weeks ago (the boy’s expression wasn’t quite one of horror when I told him I’d been off coffee for two days when I first started, but it was close – I had trained him well that coffee was the first thing I needed in the morning). Tea eased the withdrawal, but I’m mostly off that now, too. Wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been caffeine free – did that once before from ’00-’01, but then we had that little airplane event in the fall and I went back to regular coffee drinking.

I already know that pizza is out, as is falafel, sodas, and beer. Spicy foods seem to be a no-no as well. But the experiment will continue as I figure out what does and doesn’t work. It’s a fun process, actually, and I get to eat a lot of different things as I figure this out.

In other catching up, the anniversary trip to the shore with the boy went well. Didn’t get burned at the shore, had a good time relaxing and reading, and just catching up with each other outside the norm. We walked all over the place, which upped the numbers for both of us on the step count on our vivofits. I think it’s been fun to have those together and to have something of a competition going with them. He wins outright on pure walking, but I tend to go over when you factor in my running. And we both beat his sister regularly (got her one for xmas), which is what really counts.

I’m training now for the marine corps marathon this fall. I got in last year, developed runner’s knee, and postponed the race to this year. While not quite where I’d have liked to be in terms of a base, the training is going well. Related to that, I’m going to take a break from the tri club. There’s been a bit of drama with regard to the newbie program I’ve help run for the last decade, and I’m just not willing to put up with it at this point. I’ve never been one that enjoyed training with a large group (I like the meditative aspects of training), and I’m not really drinking at all (see the reflux discussion above) so I don’t get out and see club folks very often, and I think the club has just moved on, as have I. I’ll maintain my membership, but I don’t see myself doing a lot with them in the immediate future.

So, after finishing the season last month I made the conscious decision to indulge in a lot of stuff I’d been putting off, either purposefully (drinking – yay for good bourbon) or out of a lack of time/energy (knitting, gaming, socializing). It’s been fun going back to some of these things, especially catching up on long- delayed knitting projects (I finished sock #1 of this pair, and I’m in the midst of the arch increases on #2), and getting back to seeing some of the folks I let slip along the way. I’ve by no means gone back to my previous social life, and it’s unlikely I ever will entirely, but I have caught up with a person or two in the last month.

It’s funny, they warn you that IM training will mean putting your social life on hold for a year, and you hear that, but it doesn’t quite take hold until you’ve done this. It really did retard any hope of a social life, though. Which is why I want to focus on shorter races next year, and more specifically to train for faster race times. It seems like the better course than trying to go for long again next year, rather to build up a better base for future years, and get back to what it feels like to train for the olympic distance along with my newbies next year.

But in the meantime, I’m enjoying the bourbon.

Took a personal day today to get the annual eye exam done, and drop off the mini for needed maintenance. While I was out and about I decided to run by the local hardware store over on Capitol Hill and check out some paint colors. Picked up three samples for the bedroom and one for the bathroom. The bathroom one is going to work, I think, and it’s a shame that the sample is the wrong kind of paint for a ‘wet’ room because that little pot would cover the whole kit & kaboodle. The three in the bedroom will need to be observed over several days in different lights to see which of them I am going to want. They’re all in a grey-blue tone, of varying bits of blue and varying degrees of light/dark. I suspect the lightest is going to be the one to go with, but I need to see them in different light first.

And yes, it has taken me four years to get paint. Hush.

I also picked up a little razor/knife thingey to enable me to cut several light switch covers and electrical covers off the walls where the idjits who painted the apartment before I moved in painted over them. If I ever catch a contractor I’ve hired doing the same, I’ll skin ’em alive. I’ve now replaced the covers in the kitchen, front hall and bathroom. Forgot (or didn’t look) to get three other light switches, but I can get those when I go back for the paint. Gotta say, I am SOOOO glad I got rid of that stupid blue ceramic cover in the bathroom. Ugh. That thing drove me nuts. Replaced them all with pewter-tone steel, which matches the aluminium ‘theme’ of the cult co-op. Next step will be replacing the actual switches and plugs in the walls, as they’re all disgustingly dirty and mostly painted over in varying hues. But that’s for another day when I feel like sitting down and (not) playing with electricity.

For some reason the reintegration back into real life has been a bit difficult. There was the inevitable backup of work at the BGA (“vacation is its own punishment”), breaking things off with someone I’d been dating, adjustment back to east coast time (which means I have to try and fight my normal nature to be a night owl), and just doing the little things like unpacking everything and putting it all away, sorting mail, grocery shopping, etc. Still haven’t done the grocery shopping, so I’ve been subsisting on ever-shrinking supplies of staples from the freezer and cabinet. Not a bad thing, it’s good to clear those out every now and again, but not perhaps the healthiest meals I could be eating.

One thing I’ve been doing to integrate some of our practices from DLOC has been to post “appreciations” over on FaceBook. Just little things to acknowledge those things I’m appreciative of for whatever reason. It does help to make one more mindful of what’s going on in your life, which has made it a useful tool for me.

Past that I’m trying to find my motivation to get back to tri training for my last two races this season, and finish up my commitment with the club’s volunteer work this month. “The Pile” of books has grown since coming back, including some re-reading of classics I feel the need to reexamine in light of the DLOC and SF experiences (The Ethical Slut, the Tao Te Ching/Dao De Jing). I’m about 1/2 an inch from finishing sock #2 on pair #2, and I have another pull ball ready to go on the next set, but the one sock’s been sitting here unloved as I try to work myself back into life.

Picked up another bike yesterday. I wanted something a bit better for zipping around town than my mountain bike (which is a good bike, but not the best for commuting). I went in a slightly different direction, a single gear, and put “campus pedals” on it (clipless on one side, regular pedal platform on the other), so I don’t have to throw on bike shoes just to zip somewhere if I wish to bike out. My goal there is to bike about more to things in town, and sweat be damned. It even came with a kickstand! I feel so retro with a kickstand on a bike – I don’t think I’ve had one of those since high school. With the bike, though, comes the last big purchase for the year, I think. Need to back off and pay off the remnants of vacation and the bike and plan for the end of the year and Giftmas. And to plan for the next body electric workshop next year, of course.

It’s hard to fully describe the changes wrought by DLOC, but I’ll be working on them this year.

I still have a lot of stuff to process from this past two weeks. Dear Love of Comrades (DLOC) was simply amazing, and precisely what I was needing. It revealed a lot of things to me which I needed to see and experience to help clarify where I am in my life and where I might want to go. But it’s going to be difficult to reconcile those with my daily practices. There are changes I will need to make, and I’m not entirely sure where I’m going to make them yet.

Two of the big things that were revealed were the extent to which I have let fear dictate so many of my actions. Fear of change and fear of my body being at the top of that list. And then, as I dwelt on those, the incredible sense of anger I felt at how I’d let that fear dictate things, and especially anger at my body and how it sets me aside from the norm (more specifically the lactose intolerance and all the problems associated with that, and the extensive history of cancer in my family and how that affects me and my behaviors). Most of this was revealed on Friday, first during the daily movement practice before breakfast (an exercise where we were visualizing our obstacles and chopping, pushing, dropping them, and then pulling toward us what we wanted in our lives), then in a large heart circle we had before and after lunch.

I knew there were emotions that were going to be revealed as part of the week – no one gets through Body Electric without some sort of emotional experience, large or small – but I don’t think I expected these particular ones. Of course, my previous experiences with Body Electric have all been ones where I felt this overwhelming joy at the connections made. I got a lot of that joy during the week as well; the big draw we did on Wednesday was the most intense, and the most intensely erotic, that I’ve experienced to date. Unlike last fall where I felt the build up of energy in me, but didn’t know what to do with it, so released it, this time I held the energy, moved it over and around my body with my hands, and claimed it as my own. It was incredible to hold that much energy and be able to channel it rather than simply releasing it into the cosmos. I did laugh again, from giggling to full body, shaking laughter. Even thinking about the experience now, a week and a half later, gives me goose bumps. There was one moment where the masseur was working on my lower body and one of the assistants came over and put his hands under my back, helping me arch up and throw my head back as I lost track of where was up and down, simply concentrating on how awesome (and erotic) the whole thing felt. I spoke first when we were done, describing the marvelous experience I’d just had, and started by repeating the word “wow” over and over again (when asked to breathe into it, the coordinator said to breathe into “Wow to the ninth power”). I don’t normally speak first for those, but it just came bubbling out this time.

Comparing that amazing experience and connection to the much more mellow and introspective weekend after Friday’s revelation feels somewhat unfair, but they’re part and parcel of the same body of experience. There is incredible joy to be found in the connections with other people, but there are barriers I’ve erected to fully giving myself over to the connections I could be making, and I need to change that.

One of the hardest things about coming back into the Bay area from up on the mountain in Guerneville was the lack of practiced movement. Each morning at DLOC you got a choice between a walk/hike or practiced movement (yoga, sufi meditation, etc.). All but one morning I did the movement exercise, all of which were wonderful (and, as written about above, cathartic in one case). Even when we were getting together during the day we were able to move and dance and stretch, experiencing the wonder of being fully present in (and thus mindful of) our bodies. Wandering around SF I kept wanting to stop and drop into yoga poses when the feeling arose, but of course even in SF there are expectations of behavior (and public sidewalks aren’t conducive to yoga). I had to content myself with stretching my arms above and to the side when I was able, and that just wasn’t the same. I suspect one thing I’ll have to do more is that type of spontaneous stretching during the day – close my office door and take a few moments to stretch out and be present in my body. It can’t hurt, and I’m lucky to have that freedom to be able to close that door and take a brief break, even in work drag.

One thing I’ve already brought back into my life is posting those things I appreciate, both to FB and to my main countfour blog (it wasn’t like there was anything else going to it!). Just noting something every day which I’m thankful for has been a good practice. It helps to focus on the positive, and to be more mindful of the experience of living.

The school set up a yahoo group for our class, at first to share rides up and otherwise coordinate travel, but also to keep in touch after the experience. Thus far it’s been pretty busy, with folks posting regularly to describe their transition back to “normalcy”. I’m glad to have this group of men, and this forum to stay in touch with them. It’s all too easy to let these experiences slip back into the background and fall back into old patterns, and I don’t want that to happen if I can avoid it. I can’t go on living as if this had never happened; I’d be miserable if I did.

Been loving being here in the bay area the past two days. I’ve worked on my tolerance for beer, wandered around in town, run into friends on the street, and gotten to meet several folks I know, at least one for the first time. Went dancing last night at the local every-other-week bear get-together. Stayed out late yesterday. Crashed early Friday. Eaten lots and lots of good, inexpensive dim sum.

And I can tell I’ve relaxed considerably because I actually have fingernails and cuticles again (I tend to chew them off when I’m stressed, and so they’ve not much been in evidence lately as they’ve been thoroughly taken down at work). Precisely what I’ve needed, and while I’m looking forward to the retreat this week, I’m also very much looking forward to seeing more friends the week after.

I think the theme of this past week has been “yes, I’m incredibly tired and I’m so, so, so, so, so, so ready to go on vacation now, thankyouverymuch.” It’s been difficult to motivate myself to do much of anything.

Sort-of prepped for a 10k on Saturday, then likely planning to go watch the parade Saturday evening, and perhaps find myself out and about somewhere later that evening. Sunday is of course the festival, and I plan to go down and try not to get too sunburnt.

Also more than a wee bit tired of the daily thunderstorms now. With one exception they’ve all been in the evening this past week so have (theoretically) not interfered with my workouts, but I’m still a bit tired of the light shows and the wet. And the accompanying humidity. Not that we shouldn’t expect 198% humidity in DC in June, but still.

Gotten my stuff together, mostly, for California next week. I’m set for a ride to Wildwood, have made a couple plans to see folks, but will need to be making calls & dropping notes this upcoming week to try and set a few more things up. Looking forward to the Tut exhibit at the De Young, and the zoo, and yarn shopping. And, most of all, just not being at work for two full weeks. I need the down time from it or I’m going to seriously go nuts. I’m very, very glad I planned this trip and got it approved back in December, because it’s coming at a perfect time to get the heck out of Dodge.

Okay, thank you Netflix for partnering with everyone under the sun. Here I was thinking I’d need to buy another computer or HD TiVo or some sort of device to play the “watch instantly” movies (while still being able to chat on the laptop, mind you), and while playing with the Xbox this morning I discovered I could watch them via a free download on that device. It’s nice to not have to spend more money for entertainment, and also good since the Xbox is the only thing plugged into the TV with HDMI at this point, so the picture quality is pretty good, even for downloaded content.

The week was an odd one, with the swings in weather and going out to be social and work oddities. Now that we’re past the initial stages of stimulus work, it’s getting down to crunch times for many offices – implementation and distribution of funds. Which means a lot of serious work, as well as the occasional eyebrow-raising inquiry (seriously, you think that a contract to maintain and develop a web site for aid recipients to report their progress doesn’t fall squarely within the definition of “management and oversight” of your program? please).

Finally running time machine this morning with my backup drive. A bit late, I know, but will be good to have it done at last. Cold wash got done, dinner plans with Richard and his new beau this evening. Need to get to the grocery store soon (tonight? tomorrow? not completely out of food but it’s getting there). Date planned for Monday. At some point I should get in a long bike ride this weekend. Need to finish up a sock I’m working on so I can get started on its mate. All these little necessities of life which catch up if you don’t keep up with them.

A mixed weekend for me. Had a big club event on Saturday where a lot of our newbies got to get out on a ride with the rest of the club and get in some social time. Today I let a guy I’ve been seeing for a couple of weeks know that it wasn’t working and I didn’t want to go out again.

The ride and run on Saturday went pretty good for me personally. I won’t be as fast as last year on this course, but I’m going to be able to do it, and that’s the important part. The base is coming, and I’ll be well set up for the other two races I’m signed up for this season. So I was pleased with how that went, exercise-wise, even past the social aspects, which were also good. I wore my ultilikilt out to the site, and it was quite a hit, getting a lot of positive comments (and a lot of inquiries if I was going to ride that way). Fun times.

The dating just wasn’t working out. He’s a good guy, but not what I’m looking for in the final weighing of things. And even knowing it wasn’t a good match, it’s still difficult to cut things off (“change is stress”).

Got to see NRJTM this afternoon for lunch outside in the glorious weather we had for most of the weekend, as well as some shopping to pick up some sundries. Caught up with some friends online after that, and headed to a late dinner now with a friend who’s just moving back to DC after a west coast hiatus. Will be good to see him and meet his new bf.

Had an impromptu hill workout on a run this evening since the wind was coming in steady, fast, and directly in my face for half the run. Even lost my visor at one point to a good gust. But it was still a good run, and I’m glad I skipped the swim this evening to do it. I think I’m going to be able to build up to Columbia by the time it rolls around, which is a good thing.

Work was nuts again, though we did get a chance to be helpful on something late this afternoon that’ll have a big impact on our stimulus spending next week. Not that the head of the BGA will appreciate it, but it’s there. At least the initial screwup wasn’t ours.

I was released from some of my previously planned volunteer activities this weekend, so am heading out tonight and may do so again tomorrow, depending on folks’ other plans. That and I must go clothes shopping, since last weekend didn’t pan out. In the meantime, though, it’s time to get out of the house.