5 July, 2009
I still have a lot of stuff to process from this past two weeks. Dear Love of Comrades (DLOC) was simply amazing, and precisely what I was needing. It revealed a lot of things to me which I needed to see and experience to help clarify where I am in my life and where I might want to go. But it’s going to be difficult to reconcile those with my daily practices. There are changes I will need to make, and I’m not entirely sure where I’m going to make them yet.
Two of the big things that were revealed were the extent to which I have let fear dictate so many of my actions. Fear of change and fear of my body being at the top of that list. And then, as I dwelt on those, the incredible sense of anger I felt at how I’d let that fear dictate things, and especially anger at my body and how it sets me aside from the norm (more specifically the lactose intolerance and all the problems associated with that, and the extensive history of cancer in my family and how that affects me and my behaviors). Most of this was revealed on Friday, first during the daily movement practice before breakfast (an exercise where we were visualizing our obstacles and chopping, pushing, dropping them, and then pulling toward us what we wanted in our lives), then in a large heart circle we had before and after lunch.
I knew there were emotions that were going to be revealed as part of the week – no one gets through Body Electric without some sort of emotional experience, large or small – but I don’t think I expected these particular ones. Of course, my previous experiences with Body Electric have all been ones where I felt this overwhelming joy at the connections made. I got a lot of that joy during the week as well; the big draw we did on Wednesday was the most intense, and the most intensely erotic, that I’ve experienced to date. Unlike last fall where I felt the build up of energy in me, but didn’t know what to do with it, so released it, this time I held the energy, moved it over and around my body with my hands, and claimed it as my own. It was incredible to hold that much energy and be able to channel it rather than simply releasing it into the cosmos. I did laugh again, from giggling to full body, shaking laughter. Even thinking about the experience now, a week and a half later, gives me goose bumps. There was one moment where the masseur was working on my lower body and one of the assistants came over and put his hands under my back, helping me arch up and throw my head back as I lost track of where was up and down, simply concentrating on how awesome (and erotic) the whole thing felt. I spoke first when we were done, describing the marvelous experience I’d just had, and started by repeating the word “wow” over and over again (when asked to breathe into it, the coordinator said to breathe into “Wow to the ninth power”). I don’t normally speak first for those, but it just came bubbling out this time.
Comparing that amazing experience and connection to the much more mellow and introspective weekend after Friday’s revelation feels somewhat unfair, but they’re part and parcel of the same body of experience. There is incredible joy to be found in the connections with other people, but there are barriers I’ve erected to fully giving myself over to the connections I could be making, and I need to change that.
One of the hardest things about coming back into the Bay area from up on the mountain in Guerneville was the lack of practiced movement. Each morning at DLOC you got a choice between a walk/hike or practiced movement (yoga, sufi meditation, etc.). All but one morning I did the movement exercise, all of which were wonderful (and, as written about above, cathartic in one case). Even when we were getting together during the day we were able to move and dance and stretch, experiencing the wonder of being fully present in (and thus mindful of) our bodies. Wandering around SF I kept wanting to stop and drop into yoga poses when the feeling arose, but of course even in SF there are expectations of behavior (and public sidewalks aren’t conducive to yoga). I had to content myself with stretching my arms above and to the side when I was able, and that just wasn’t the same. I suspect one thing I’ll have to do more is that type of spontaneous stretching during the day – close my office door and take a few moments to stretch out and be present in my body. It can’t hurt, and I’m lucky to have that freedom to be able to close that door and take a brief break, even in work drag.
One thing I’ve already brought back into my life is posting those things I appreciate, both to FB and to my main countfour blog (it wasn’t like there was anything else going to it!). Just noting something every day which I’m thankful for has been a good practice. It helps to focus on the positive, and to be more mindful of the experience of living.
The school set up a yahoo group for our class, at first to share rides up and otherwise coordinate travel, but also to keep in touch after the experience. Thus far it’s been pretty busy, with folks posting regularly to describe their transition back to “normalcy”. I’m glad to have this group of men, and this forum to stay in touch with them. It’s all too easy to let these experiences slip back into the background and fall back into old patterns, and I don’t want that to happen if I can avoid it. I can’t go on living as if this had never happened; I’d be miserable if I did.
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21 June, 2009
Been loving being here in the bay area the past two days. I’ve worked on my tolerance for beer, wandered around in town, run into friends on the street, and gotten to meet several folks I know, at least one for the first time. Went dancing last night at the local every-other-week bear get-together. Stayed out late yesterday. Crashed early Friday. Eaten lots and lots of good, inexpensive dim sum.
And I can tell I’ve relaxed considerably because I actually have fingernails and cuticles again (I tend to chew them off when I’m stressed, and so they’ve not much been in evidence lately as they’ve been thoroughly taken down at work). Precisely what I’ve needed, and while I’m looking forward to the retreat this week, I’m also very much looking forward to seeing more friends the week after.
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11 June, 2009
I think the theme of this past week has been “yes, I’m incredibly tired and I’m so, so, so, so, so, so ready to go on vacation now, thankyouverymuch.” It’s been difficult to motivate myself to do much of anything.
Sort-of prepped for a 10k on Saturday, then likely planning to go watch the parade Saturday evening, and perhaps find myself out and about somewhere later that evening. Sunday is of course the festival, and I plan to go down and try not to get too sunburnt.
Also more than a wee bit tired of the daily thunderstorms now. With one exception they’ve all been in the evening this past week so have (theoretically) not interfered with my workouts, but I’m still a bit tired of the light shows and the wet. And the accompanying humidity. Not that we shouldn’t expect 198% humidity in DC in June, but still.
Gotten my stuff together, mostly, for California next week. I’m set for a ride to Wildwood, have made a couple plans to see folks, but will need to be making calls & dropping notes this upcoming week to try and set a few more things up. Looking forward to the Tut exhibit at the De Young, and the zoo, and yarn shopping. And, most of all, just not being at work for two full weeks. I need the down time from it or I’m going to seriously go nuts. I’m very, very glad I planned this trip and got it approved back in December, because it’s coming at a perfect time to get the heck out of Dodge.
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9 May, 2009
What is it about traveling that always throws my system off? My hands are covered in eczema from something, likely the stress of travel and not drinking nearly enough water. Driving a ton more today, down to North Carolina to visit my grandparents and back, probably didn’t help any.
The family is doing okay, and it’s been a pleasant visit all told. My brother didn’t make it down with the younger two nieces, but I did get to see the eldest niece and give her a hard time (as well as an antique pendant for her birthday). Picked up a set of mid-century import china I’ve had my eyes on for the past 3-4 years now (dragons!), and I’m also hauling back a mounted set of moose antlers from my grandfather (a moose he evidently hunted himself in Canada some many, many years ago). Where I’m going to hang the antlers is a whole other question, but at least they fit in the back of the mini to haul back to DC. Going to have to figure out how to clean and preserve them, too – they’re a tad dusty and dry from years in an attic.
Managed to avoid having to plant walnut trees by delaying the trip until mother’s day. Sneaky, but smart. Though I’ve also missed the last good weekend to get in long training before the race next Sunday. So, I’ll just have to wing it on the 17th. I know how to do it, I know I can do all three events separately, and I’ve done this race before, so I’ll finish, but it ain’t gonna be pretty.
Had some fun on the dating front, but I’m not going into it yet. Too early to tell where it’s going, if anywhere, so aside from noting that something is happening, I’m going to leave it at that.
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8 April, 2009
While last week was clearly allergies, this week feels like I’m fighting off a head cold. Sneezes, stuffy, etc. Did some last minute cleaning this evening while talking to a cousin who’s coming to town tomorrow with her hubby, and then with Richard, and then the new guy, and I probably shouldn’t have attempted any dusting while I have a semi-stuffy nose. It definitely didn’t help the nose. I did find some afrin in the cabinet while looking for my old staples of cold medications – that was a year expired. I generally manage my allergies better these days, with the result that I don’t get nearly the amount of head colds I used to, so I don’t have to keep what used to be my usual standbys on hand any more.
Work’s been semi-quiet, with passover, easter, and spring break sapping much of the work force. Did get one WTF question this evening that made me question the sanity of certain higher managers, but we’ll look into it. I find myself muttering the words “LBS” to my fellow lawyers a lot these days (“Legal, But Stupid”). It’s a useful standard to have for such situations. Not that one phrases it thus to the clients (diplomacy counts, after all), but it is useful nonetheless.
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Dear weather, it’s April, I shouldn’t need to turn my heat on. Stop it.
Dear sinuses, I don’t have time for a cold. Stop it.
Dear allergy meds, you’re not supposed to fail me in the middle of allergy season. Stop it.
Dear work, I don’t have time to get to all the things you keep throwing my way. Stop it.
Dear upcoming race, I’m not ready for you and you’re approaching too quickly. Stop it.
Dear life in general, the whole minor annoyances thing? It’s not working for me. Stop it.
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1 April, 2009
I don’t recall having had sinus headaches in previous cherry blossom seasons like I’m having this year. I’m putting the caffeine reduction plan on hold until after the blooms are done to ensure it’s not withdrawal on top of the allergens. In the meantime, this shit hurts like there’s no tomorrow, despite taking my allergy meds as religiously as ever.
The work stress from yesterday was largely diffused this morning and I’m back to grinding away on the usual stuff. Tempest, teapot, etc. Thank heavens.
Now if we could just take a roto-rooter to my sinuses…
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25 March, 2009
Haven’t made time to write because I’m either getting home & being a total veg because I’m wiped out from the work day or I’m going out to see friends or maybe even a date or two. Work continues to roll along at a crazy pace. I’ve given myself a big assignment that I’ve not been able to start yet because of other fires that keep popping up. It’s needed, but finding time is a challenge.
Training is almost non-existent at this point. I’m swimming, but with the colder temps I’ve not gotten out to bike in the mornings and I’m unmotivated to haul the trainer back out. It’s not supposed to be this bloody cold in late Smarch in DC, damn it.
Much has also been on my mind about dating and the extent to which one compromises versus standing firm. After BC there are some things I consider to be vital to my well being which are not precisely the norm (Body Electric comes to mind), and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about those things and how and when to introduce them. With a couple guys I can tell there are distict differences in relationship styles that I don’t think will ultimately be compatible. And how does one express that and not sound cliché?
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11 March, 2009
The cult co-op’s annual meeting wasn’t so bad. The usual suspects got up and spouted their insanties, and we got through it without a lot of other nonsense. Of course, they started half an hour late, and we barely had quorum, but hey. I did finish a baby sock, got back to the apartment all excited about it, only to realize that when I did the first one I must’ve skipped a step (a few plain knitted rows) because the original is much shorter in the leg than the one I just finished. Crap. I so fail at reading directions sometimes. So much for giving the co-worker with the new baby a pair of baby socks next week.
Did manage to sleep fairly well last night, bourbon notwithstanding. I think it helped that it was a nice, calm, peaceful night out chatting calmly with a charming gentleman in a not-too-obnoxious bar. After we left the one that was doing drag bingo, that is.
I get to skip work entirely tomorrow in favor of my one (one) professional development activity for the year – the annual approps law update over in the legislative branch. Huzzah. Then it’s work HH, followed by club HH. I’ll have to pace myself. And drink lots of water. And take taxis. But since I am working on Friday, I’ll definitely behave as hangovers at work are teh suxors. It’s not like I’ve been bad lately anyway, as evidenced by my surprisingly higher than ever before in my ten years as a fed sick leave balance. I keep this up I might get to a higher sick leave balance than my annual leave balance, which would be a definite plus since it means I could start using sick leave for doctor’s appointments instead of annual leave, and save the “good stuff” for real vacations like this June’s.
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28 February, 2009
Following the stress of this past week, I ended up going out on Thursday to meet the regular crew at JR’s, then on Friday, in a convoluted fashion, I ended up at the new Ziegfield’s/Secrets. Two late nights, and even without drinking terribly much, it was more of that sort of stress than I’m used to. It was fun, but I don’t see how some guys do that week after week.
Tonight’s plan is a dinner date, sober, with one of the regular crew from Thursday. Don’t know if it’ll go very far past this as I hadn’t realized he smoked when I agreed to the date, but hey, we’ll see how it goes. Can’t really do much past dinner because I’d like to bike or run tomorrow, and I need more normal sleep pattern back before the upcoming work week and the new stresses that will entail.
On a side note, I wonder if anyone has studied whether people buy less cologne/perfume in jurisdictions where they don’t allow smoking in the bars.
It was interesting to see that Z/S is within walking distance, as long as you feel safe walking through/around the public housing between there and the cult co-op. The experience was a bit crowded; I don’t think they have a very good layout for the bars – too crowded and too few bartenders. Getting ignored by one bartender as he worked the back bar didn’t help my impression of the service. No dancing upstairs, either, despite a large dance floor and lots of dance music playing for the dancers.
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