Of Moose And Men
The Best Laid Plans Of Both Often Go Astray

Well, I now have the dubious distinction of being the only person in my immediate family who has not had cancer. My brother had a spot removed from his back last week and got the news that it’s a melanoma. So he’s off to a surgeon soon to make sure they carved it all out. Luckily my father and his aunt have both had it and both survived (and are still alive now), so there’s a better than normal chance that my brother will also.

So I finally made a much-needed appointment to get a spot checked out on my face, as well as doing a full body check for spots on myself. Debating going back down home to my old (i.e., high school era) dermatologist, though – I really don’t care much for the guy I have here in DC, and none of the other choices I’ve seen/heard of sound much better. The guy from home was odd, but personable and accessible. And my brother tells me he takes my insurance, so it wouldn’t be a particular hardship to head down there (aside from the drive).

In other, better news, I spoke with one of my colleagues at work about post-employment ethics restrictions, and it sounds like I’m actually pretty well off vis-a-vis the post-employment restrictions, should I choose to leave the BGA. Have lunch tomorrow with a co-worker to chat about her experiences working on the Hill and in the private sector. Started updating my resume this afternoon (yuck!). This promises to be an interesting few months.

I’m bored shitless at my job. There, I’ve said it. I’m not sure what to do about it, either. If I want to stay with the Feds I could jump over to OMB, but frankly I think that would simply be more of the same, with more work, the same pay, more stress and a longer commute. Not exactly an appetizing picture, ya know? The one saving grace of doing what I do where I do now is that there are some boutique sections in several firms in town who might be interested in me. Provided I can get the proper ethics clearance to do that.

But would I want to move to the private sector? I’d certainly be much more mobile there, not necessarily tied to a particular firm, or even to DC itself if I wished to move. There’s something to be said for that.

I actually took a mental health day today. Couldn’t rouse myself this morning, and the thought of going into work was absolutely demotivating. I’m nowhere near where I was in terms of dislike as I was at the last BGA, but I just did not want to go in today, so I didn’t.

I think it’s time to start exploring my options, talking with friends who know a bit more about the market & what various options might entail. Can’t go forward if I don’t know which paths are open to me now. I’m worried that my particular specialty will limit those options, but hopefully there are more creative uses for it than I’m coming up with off the top of my head.

Until then, it’s going to be a challenge to push forward at the current BGA unless I can disengage a bit from it all. Which bugs the fuck out of me – I don’t like thinking that I’m not giving it my all. It’s anathema to working for me. But I’m unclear as to how to proceed.

It’s a good thing when I remember to take in a ton of water after drinking early in the evening – no hangover this morning. The friend showed up shortly after I posted the last entry, and we got some dinner & got into a showing of Hancock. Not a bad flick, though several of the elements were a little obvious. It would be fun if they did a prequel to the movie, showing his origins.

Foot’s a little better this morning – I had run yesterday, which was probably why it was so sore. Definitely having a full recurrence of the PF, though, so back to the podiatrist next week. I suspect he’ll want to do the ESWT this time, and I think I agree, though it may kill doing the last two races of the season.

Forgot to put on a watch this morning, a rareity for me, so I’m going to be dependent on the electronics fir time telling today. I know there are people who never wear a watch because they always have their cell on them, but I like the familiar weight of a watch on my wrist. It’s part of my normal routine, and more convenient than hauling out the phone.

Started training again this morning, after a two week mostly-break. Was hot as all get-out, but got through it. My next race is in 4 weeks, in Luray Virginia (pronounced “LOO-ray,” not “luh-ray” as you might think), another olympic race, so I have to get prepped for that. Remind me not to take an exercise break after my next breakup, it’s not worth it, even if I am feeling blue.

In other news regarding the breakup, I seem to have gotten some of my tolerance back. Not that this is necessarily a good thing, but it is nice not being completely worthless after having drinks.

I’ve finally managed to break out of some of the isolation I’ve had especially in this two week period, but also to a degree since having moved down to southwest. I’m trying to be more active about getting myself out of the apartment and around folks, and spent a good part of the weekend doing just that. And that’s been fun. I’m not quite sure how I’m going to work in training for all three sports in the tri, but I’ll muddle through somehow. In the meantime, I’m enjoying getting out of the house more, and look forward to more of this.

Running a little slow this morning. Last night was one of those “my brain will not shut off” kind of nights, with melatonin and exhaustion finally kicking in around 3-something. It wasn’t all a bad thing – the brain was going over some conversations I’ve had over the course of the weekend, and thinking a lot on what it is I want to be doing with myself, and with other people.

I did miss going out to take photos of the training tri this morning with the club, but I’m headed out to brunch at a friend’s house in a little bit, then a potluck birthday thing this evening over in Virginia with one of my body electric buddies.

I did decide that I’m not going to do the IM this fall. It’s not to say that I won’t ever do one, but it’s not the right time, and I think I signed up for it for the wrong reasons. I still have two races I’m currently signed up for, and I can find one or two more for the fall here locally. And perhaps this year I won’t end the season completely burnt out and unmotivated to do off-season fitness maintenance.

I also think I’m going to attend the local Celebrate the Body Erotic course in November. I need the refresher, and I’d like to go back to an earlier plan of mine, to attend one of the week-long intensives next summer. I also need the renewal of my ties to this particular community. I’ve been disengaged from the energies I need for long enough now, it’s time to get them back.

I think I finally pinned down what it is I’ve been feeling for the past day or so, and that’s lost. Something I considered an anchor (though whether I clung to that anchor for the right reasons is a whole other story) is gone, and I’m doing the usual soul-searching that comes from such an upheaval.

And it’s not particularly fun.

This on the heels of just having had a “what do you want to do with your life” talk with my supervisor, going over advancement possibilities, and thinking about what else I might want to do with my career. I’m fairly happy with my job, though I will admit these days to being somewhat bored with it, too. Same old issues, same old fights, and in some ways a new crew of managers coming in (not in my office, but in others I deal with) who are not quite as pleasant to work with as the ones I deal with daily now. Do I want to stick with that? But what else would I do? So frustrating.

It doesn’t help me that I’m horrible at cultivating a support network. I don’t reach out to folks as I might, and I don’t really go outside myself when dealing with a problem (save for venting here). “My problems are my problems,” my little brain says to me, “and they’re for me to deal with, alone, until they’re taken care of.” And that’s not always the best solution. In fact, it’s probably rarely the best solution. I work, maybe I go exercise, I come home, I veg, I maybe chat online, but that’s it. And I don’t think that’s enough for me.

I’m also very seriously reconsidering the IM in November. My parents are iffy, because Dad’s going to have some surgery around then and so they don’t know if they’ll be able to travel out. BC won’t be coming, obviously. And frankly, the idea of going out there for a week and coming across that finish line for something that big with no one there to greet me, celebrate with me, or just to see it happen is just not an appealing one. Yes, I wanted to do it because it’s a challenge, but I’m not sure if I like the cost at this point.

Sorry for the overly dramatic last post. That’s what comes of posting in the moment, or right after the moment, as the case may be.

Yes, BC and I are no longer together. ‘Twas the culmination of several factors, and I fear the fault here really is mine. No freak out like the last guy I dated, but still, in the end I just wasn’t enough.

Thank you to the friends who reached out, I do appreciate that.

Today has pretty much been spent alternating between numbness and tears, not helped any by a hangover from last night’s Independence Day festivities. I just realized how little sleep I got last night from the time print on the last post – I had thought we’d crashed right after midnight, but it seems we were up a lot later than that. So for tonight some meditations on what has happened, and lots of sleep. This absolutely, positively stinks on ice, and it’s going to hurt for some time to come, and that’s not the overreaction of last night talking, either.

And then he proved, once again, that he was a failure. And life was what it was. And he was in pain, of his own fault. For he failed, and that was the end of the question, that he failed, and there was naught else that could be done to correct the failure, for it was total and entire.

For some reason I’ve just been exhausted this week. Enough so that I finally broke down and made an appointment to go talk to my doctor in two weeks about the occasional sleep aid. I’d really like to make it through one entire night without waking up 2-3 times over the course of the night. And be able to go to sleep sooner than a half hour after I turn out the lights. Damned overactive brain.

Was sore enough that I took today off from biking. The fact that Hains Point is closed for the celebration of the Fourth on Friday helped with that, too (they stage the fireworks and other necessities down at the point for the week before the holiday). So grabbed a little extra sleep this morning, but not enough to stave off all the yawns at work. Ibuprofen was also consumed. Who’d have thought golf was so vigorous, but that’s what I get for using muscles that I don’t normally touch in tri training.

I’m trying to find a new dermatologist as well. The first one I went to was a jerk, and his partner is okay, but always feels too rushed to really do anything with me. There’s a spot on my face I want looked at, given the family cancer history, and I know it’ll be months before I get in, even if I go to my current guy, but I’d really prefer someone who doesn’t feel nearly so rushed when trying to get through the appointment.

Long runs in the evening are teh suck. At least, they are when I haven’t cooked and don’t have food ready and waiting to eat when I’m done. Did six and a half miles, relatively slowly (though the pace picked up as I went along). Heel was not happy with me as I got done, so I’m sitting in the night brace here, making sure I’m stretching the plantar fascia. I had gone to the grocery store yesterday with BC, so had food to prepare, but then there was the preparation part. Finally eaten, but was nigh starving before I ate.

Feel like I need a massage. I hope it’s not BC’s cold coming on, and is just soreness from the run. He stayed over last night and was burning up a good chunk of the night.

Not sure which project I’m going to do next, knitting wise. I think I need to do some samplers to learn a few more skills for the next ones (increasing & decreasing, specifically) before I get started on them.

I’m feeling, hmmm, unengaged at work these days. The Project From Heck is in abeyance, stuck in our front office for noodling, so I’m working on a variety of smaller projects, none of which are terribly interesting or engaging. So I’m just feeling a bit adrift. I’m sure it’ll pass, but it’s damned annoying while it’s there.

I’m a week overdue for my normal haircut, but have an appointment tomorrow evening. So looking forward to that. It’s too shaggy at the moment, so it’s time to get shorn.