Of Moose And Men
The Best Laid Plans Of Both Often Go Astray

My name is Moose, I’m from Washington DC, and I’m aware of a feeling of calm and peace.

Celebrate the Body Erotic was, as always, a fantastic experience. Slightly smaller group, I think (28, including the staff), but the energy was fantastic. My impression was that while there were, as always, some men with wounds to explore, there seemed to be less crying and more laughter this time around on Sunday (for those who haven’t been, on the final day there’s a long, focused massage that frequently is a very strong emotional experience for those being massaged).

For my own part, I did laugh again on Sunday, but not quite as much as I did the previous two times I’ve done this workshop. The laughter started earlier in the session, but it died down and the feeling I got was more one of energy building up inside, like the qi (probably more specifically jing qi) kept accumulating until the end when I had to gather and release it upward (away from other participants). I repeatedly had to throw the energy off – it was too much to hold onto for long. But while I had it and could play with it? Wow. Even now the thought makes me tingle.

The time spent down, with good food, friendly men, fresh air, good sleep, and lots and lots of touch was exactly what I needed. With this foot injury I have been withdrawn from my body, ignoring it while it healed, and not living inside of it. Not a healthy thing to do. So getting back to that, and reconnecting with it was precisely what I needed right now (though my “you-haven’t-been-running” calves are now telling me how much I haven’t been using them today!). I’m very glad I had made the decision to do this session this year. I think I’d like to do one of the week-long ones this upcoming year.

I highly recommend these to anyone and everyone (and yes, they have them for straight folks and couples, too). It’s not going to be everyone’s cup of tea, but I have found it very useful in my life.

So today I’m just sort of lounging and processing. I’ll do some errands later, but in the meantime I’m enjoying just being.

The computer arrived and is now all set up. Oh, I need to back up.

Ordered a new MacBook last week. The iBook was completely out of memory, and things were running noticeably slower as newer protocols came out, so it was time to move up. A late birthday present to myself.

Anyway, so it arrived yesterday, and after much gnashing of teeth and scrambling to find an extra ethernet cable, all of my settings and files transferred over and everything is all well and good and nice. The screen is wider than the 14″ iBook, at least in appearance (the screen resolution is better, 1280×800 versus 1024×768), even though it’s a smaller screen (13″). It feels more “widescreen” than the iBook did, and I’ve had fun stretching the winders out to match the edges.

The thing that has surprised me the most about the move over was that it moved all of my programs over as well – not just the user data associated with them. So I did not have to go buy a new copy of MS Office, I didn’t have to redownload all of the chat programs, though I have had to upgrade some of the programs as I’ve run across them because this is on the newer Mac OS (10.5), and it’s intel chips versus powerpc chips.

Enough of that for now.

Work was, wow. Had a meeting with another BGA where, after much invoking of the names of senior officials of the other BGA, we got ourselves to where we needed to be (namely, getting the fucking money out of their little paws – hence my involvement). It was fun to get over to a different BGA, see their security procedures, etc. The building reminded me of my co-op, lots of aluminium and glass, very mid-century. Fun stuff.

Then, another agency was getting snippy with us over some policy calls, so I ended up hunting down crap for the political head of our office to go over and give them the smack down. That actually started before I even left home, and I ended up stopping in with our budget office and telling them I didn’t care what a budget analyst at the other agency thought about our legal authorities, and that we weren’t going to play telephone if her counsel’s office had a problem they needed to contact us directly. Which was partially aimed at my own budget office, because they have a ton of new hires, and we might as well set them straight from the beginning, otherwise my head deputy will jump down their throat the first time one of them dares to utter (or even worse, repeat) a legal opinion from a non-lawyer (he’s really touchy about our office’s prerogative there – I’ve seen him summarily dismiss opinions from non-lawyer peons from other agencies and ban them from future meetings, and he gets his way there. Yowch).

So, was running around like mad on those and a couple of other things, which was both fun and exhausting. I like it when we’re that busy, it’s so much more engaging and satisfying.

This past weekend sucked. I finally got productive around Sunday afternoon when I had a cleaning/laundry fit, but prior to that it was a lot of sitting around feeling sorry for myself, avoiding walking, and playing on the Wii. My usual “leave me alone until I feel better” attitude gets compounded when it’s semi-painful to walk as well; doesn’t encourage me to leave the house for a lot when it can potentially hurt to do so.

Did get out Sunday morning to use a gift certificate my newbies had given me at the end of their tri program, picked up some cross-training implements to help with that process. Was a good excuse to get out of the house, but even the walk to and from Metro ended up making my heel sore.

Then, today, not a ton of pain. Wandering around the office was fine, no real pain. The bike ride there and back was fine, of course (biking hasn’t irritated it at all, thankfully). So bizarre, pain the one day at minor stuff, none the next at a more normal course. Wish it would just heal up already, this is long past the point where it got old.

Never schedule a podiatrist appointment on your birthday.

He poked some at the foot. It’s a good sign that there’s no sharp pains, just dull ones that fluctuate. That said, it could be another 2-3 months before I’m fully healed. Ugh.

Got my (expired today) drivers license renewed for another eight years. Good new pic.

My local yarn shop had: a) a sale; b) a full selection of Addi turbos; and b) guy-colored hand-dyed merinos. Heaven.

Dropped off 2/3 of my shirts at the dry cleaners.

After the poking of the heel to determine the level of pain, it started to really, really throb, so the dry cleaners were by bike, and the yarn shop was by car. Otherwise I stayed in and rested the foot.

This past year was not what I thought it was going to be. Between the breakup and the foot injury pretty much nothing that I’d planned has gone right. But, as Dad likes to say, “You drive ’em, you ding ’em.” Or, to quote the Princess Bride, “Life is pain, Highness; anyone who says otherwise is selling something.” I’ll recover, eventually. But for now, I’m just biding my time. And enjoying a nice, quite birthday.

Caught up on bills today, and worked through a backlog of mail and magazines (mostly by just tossing the unread magazines since it was highly unlikely I’d actually read the back issues now). Cleaned some in the process, clearing off the couch and the dining table for the first time in a while. Unboxed the new oven and microwave, in hopes the maintenance folks will be able to get to them this week or next (and in any case they look better without the huge boxes around them now), provided we can connect on the phone soon. And actually did some work (for the BGA) today as well.

Otherwise the day was pretty blue for me. Today was the Nation’s Triathlon, which was to be my last race this season, and what I hoped would be the capping race to what started out as a pretty good darned season. As it was, I couldn’t even bring myself to go down to watch it, or do any of the club events surrounding the event. The fact that I can’t run has weighed very heavily on me this year, and it’s not been pretty, nor very easy to deal with. I miss it, a lot. I didn’t realize how much it affected my entire being to be able to get out and just run. The fact that the lack of running has been the fault of fairly consistent pain in my right foot (which just brings the fact to the fore on a daily basis) contributes to this, I’m sure.

The foot’s actually been more sore, which the aftercare guidelines says is normal for the first couple of weeks after the zapping. Hopefully it’ll get better as I get closer to the follow-up appointment on the 3rd, I’m really getting tired of having pain when I get up in the morning and take that first step (or if I end up walking a bit too much during the day, which is pretty much every day for me).

Anyway, what will happen will happen, and I’ll keep working with the podiatrist until the foot’s back to normal, but in the meantime I’m not much motivated for tri stuff.

Oh, and I finally withdrew formally from the IM race in November, too, so I can get the minimal refund they’ll send for it. Much sadness there, I really wanted to finally do one of those and I thought this was going to be the year for it. Guess not.

I’m bored shitless at my job. There, I’ve said it. I’m not sure what to do about it, either. If I want to stay with the Feds I could jump over to OMB, but frankly I think that would simply be more of the same, with more work, the same pay, more stress and a longer commute. Not exactly an appetizing picture, ya know? The one saving grace of doing what I do where I do now is that there are some boutique sections in several firms in town who might be interested in me. Provided I can get the proper ethics clearance to do that.

But would I want to move to the private sector? I’d certainly be much more mobile there, not necessarily tied to a particular firm, or even to DC itself if I wished to move. There’s something to be said for that.

I actually took a mental health day today. Couldn’t rouse myself this morning, and the thought of going into work was absolutely demotivating. I’m nowhere near where I was in terms of dislike as I was at the last BGA, but I just did not want to go in today, so I didn’t.

I think it’s time to start exploring my options, talking with friends who know a bit more about the market & what various options might entail. Can’t go forward if I don’t know which paths are open to me now. I’m worried that my particular specialty will limit those options, but hopefully there are more creative uses for it than I’m coming up with off the top of my head.

Until then, it’s going to be a challenge to push forward at the current BGA unless I can disengage a bit from it all. Which bugs the fuck out of me – I don’t like thinking that I’m not giving it my all. It’s anathema to working for me. But I’m unclear as to how to proceed.

Started training again this morning, after a two week mostly-break. Was hot as all get-out, but got through it. My next race is in 4 weeks, in Luray Virginia (pronounced “LOO-ray,” not “luh-ray” as you might think), another olympic race, so I have to get prepped for that. Remind me not to take an exercise break after my next breakup, it’s not worth it, even if I am feeling blue.

In other news regarding the breakup, I seem to have gotten some of my tolerance back. Not that this is necessarily a good thing, but it is nice not being completely worthless after having drinks.

I’ve finally managed to break out of some of the isolation I’ve had especially in this two week period, but also to a degree since having moved down to southwest. I’m trying to be more active about getting myself out of the apartment and around folks, and spent a good part of the weekend doing just that. And that’s been fun. I’m not quite sure how I’m going to work in training for all three sports in the tri, but I’ll muddle through somehow. In the meantime, I’m enjoying getting out of the house more, and look forward to more of this.

Running a little slow this morning. Last night was one of those “my brain will not shut off” kind of nights, with melatonin and exhaustion finally kicking in around 3-something. It wasn’t all a bad thing – the brain was going over some conversations I’ve had over the course of the weekend, and thinking a lot on what it is I want to be doing with myself, and with other people.

I did miss going out to take photos of the training tri this morning with the club, but I’m headed out to brunch at a friend’s house in a little bit, then a potluck birthday thing this evening over in Virginia with one of my body electric buddies.

I did decide that I’m not going to do the IM this fall. It’s not to say that I won’t ever do one, but it’s not the right time, and I think I signed up for it for the wrong reasons. I still have two races I’m currently signed up for, and I can find one or two more for the fall here locally. And perhaps this year I won’t end the season completely burnt out and unmotivated to do off-season fitness maintenance.

I also think I’m going to attend the local Celebrate the Body Erotic course in November. I need the refresher, and I’d like to go back to an earlier plan of mine, to attend one of the week-long intensives next summer. I also need the renewal of my ties to this particular community. I’ve been disengaged from the energies I need for long enough now, it’s time to get them back.

I think I finally pinned down what it is I’ve been feeling for the past day or so, and that’s lost. Something I considered an anchor (though whether I clung to that anchor for the right reasons is a whole other story) is gone, and I’m doing the usual soul-searching that comes from such an upheaval.

And it’s not particularly fun.

This on the heels of just having had a “what do you want to do with your life” talk with my supervisor, going over advancement possibilities, and thinking about what else I might want to do with my career. I’m fairly happy with my job, though I will admit these days to being somewhat bored with it, too. Same old issues, same old fights, and in some ways a new crew of managers coming in (not in my office, but in others I deal with) who are not quite as pleasant to work with as the ones I deal with daily now. Do I want to stick with that? But what else would I do? So frustrating.

It doesn’t help me that I’m horrible at cultivating a support network. I don’t reach out to folks as I might, and I don’t really go outside myself when dealing with a problem (save for venting here). “My problems are my problems,” my little brain says to me, “and they’re for me to deal with, alone, until they’re taken care of.” And that’s not always the best solution. In fact, it’s probably rarely the best solution. I work, maybe I go exercise, I come home, I veg, I maybe chat online, but that’s it. And I don’t think that’s enough for me.

I’m also very seriously reconsidering the IM in November. My parents are iffy, because Dad’s going to have some surgery around then and so they don’t know if they’ll be able to travel out. BC won’t be coming, obviously. And frankly, the idea of going out there for a week and coming across that finish line for something that big with no one there to greet me, celebrate with me, or just to see it happen is just not an appealing one. Yes, I wanted to do it because it’s a challenge, but I’m not sure if I like the cost at this point.

Sorry for the overly dramatic last post. That’s what comes of posting in the moment, or right after the moment, as the case may be.

Yes, BC and I are no longer together. ‘Twas the culmination of several factors, and I fear the fault here really is mine. No freak out like the last guy I dated, but still, in the end I just wasn’t enough.

Thank you to the friends who reached out, I do appreciate that.

Today has pretty much been spent alternating between numbness and tears, not helped any by a hangover from last night’s Independence Day festivities. I just realized how little sleep I got last night from the time print on the last post – I had thought we’d crashed right after midnight, but it seems we were up a lot later than that. So for tonight some meditations on what has happened, and lots of sleep. This absolutely, positively stinks on ice, and it’s going to hurt for some time to come, and that’s not the overreaction of last night talking, either.