Of Moose And Men
The Best Laid Plans Of Both Often Go Astray

I haven’t managed to switch the swim and run workouts yet, but it’s been an odd couple of weeks for workouts. Got in a fun 5 hour ride last weekend to prep for Eagleman this Sunday, and it felt good. Overall I’m feeling good about this one, though it’s looking like it’s gonna be a really, really hot run.

I’m remembering now why it is I haven’t signed up for this race before, though – it’s the same weekend as Gay Pride here in DC, and I’m regretting that I’m going to miss the festivities. As much as I’m looking forward to another PR (gotta beat Diamondman’s dreadful seven and a half hours – ugh!), I’m going to miss seeing a lot of friends who only come into DC on special occasions like Pride. So as I sit and pack tonight it’s kind of melancholy. It’ll be better as the race excitement hits tomorrow, but tonight I’m feeling a little sad for missing it.

With five seasons under my belt, I think this is the most prepared I’ve been this early. Packet pick up is done, the bike has been dropped off in transition. I’ve put my folding chair, the floor pump and the cookbooks I’m lending to my friend John in the car. My tri suit, chip and heart rate monitor strap are laid out with body glide for the morning. Transition towels, bike shoes, socks, nutrition, helmet and gloves are in the bag, as are my running shoes and socks, race number, run nutrition, and hat. Wet suit is hanging at the ready. Water bottles have been cleaned and are drying for the morning. A change of clothes for cleaning up at John’s place after the race is good to go. Coffee’s brewing so it’ll be there tomorrow morning to be zapped (takes too long otherwise). All that’s left is setting the alarms tonight and crashing later. Then in the morning it’s up, pack the car, get up to the race site, set up transition and get going. My wave starts at 7:16, should be done somewhere before 10:50, heaven willing. Fun day ahead, and I’m looking forward to it.

Feeling seriously annoyed this evening at the lack of gay men in my chosen sport. There’s maybe two other gay men that I know of in the club, and neither shows up to anything with any regularity, so I tend to be the lone, token fag. And heaven forfend there might actually be other gay men who might want to challenge themselves athletically. And heaven forfend there might actually be another triathlete to date.

We had a club happy hour this evening, and while it’s great seeing my friends in the club, it also drove home a bit of alienation I feel at being the sole out gay man at any of these events, social or training. And mentioning ‘triathlon’ to many non-triathletes ends up scaring them off as potential suitors because they feel like they won’t measure up (the usual reaction is some variation on ‘I could never do that’, ‘wow, you must be really fit,’ or a simple ‘oh’ as they slink off). It’s not like I feel like I have to date another triathlete, but it might at least get rid of the intimidation factor related to the sport.

I guess this is just a long way of saying I’m feeling lonely at the moment and I’d like to have someone else to share some of my life with, in more than just a friendship, who I wouldn’t scare off with my hobbies (we won’t even go into the looks I get when I mention that I knit).

Earlier this week was a bit crappy. The weather was cool and wet, and that set off a bit of SAD, and triggering my body’s “OMG, it’s winter, must EAT!!” urge. Grrr. Not a happy time. Thankfully I’m feeling much better today after talking my appetite back down. And some sunlight. And winning the general counsel’s annual award for legal excellence.

The office gives out three awards a year, one for a line attorney, one for support staff, and one for management. I won the line attorney award for this year, which was pretty darned snazzy, if I do say so myself. It’s nice to know the effort with the stimulus bill was seen and recognized.

Have a teeny bit of pre-race jitters going on this week, too. It’ll be fine once race day is here, but in the meantime this is normal, and it’ll pass. Got laundry done this evening, and just need to do a little grocery shopping, drop off the bike on Saturday, and then the race. Easy peasy.

February just sucked gorilla butt.

Since I haven’t posted since mid-February here, there have been a number of changes, with the usual ‘things in threes’ as well. On top of the death of my grandfather, Mike and I broke things off, and I finally discovered what the third casualty was. In the mess in the middle of the month my office and I completely lost the invite to the GAO annual one-day update on the state of appropriations law over the past year. On Friday I found out it had happened the day before. Understand, this is the one bit of professional development I get to do each year which is actually relevant to what I do at work (as opposed to the annual CLE requirements & courses for the bar, which are a complete waste of my time), and I haven’t missed one since they started doing them until this year. So, yeah, February sucked gorilla butt.

March has been better. I’m on track to do okay in the half marathon next weekend, and by extension the 10 miler next month. I’m getting a good base built for the IM, setting the stage for that little challenge at the end of August. To keep myself on track there I’ve actually stopped drinking. I’ve found that when I do drink, even just a single drink, I tend to drag badly the next day, which prevents me from training (and puts me in a foul mood). The IM is too important to me to let a preventable thing stand in the way, so I’m not letting it. I’ve gone out a time or two to bars with friends now, and it’s actually not been bad not drinking.

Works’ been crazier this month than last, and we’re starting to run against political pressures on spending. Thankfully my office advertised for another fiscal law specialist, which closed Friday, so we’ll start setting up interviews for the next week or two. I hope the process goes quickly, I definitely need the help, and soon.

The family visit was a good one, despite the circumstances. All of my cousins were there, even if all their spouses & children were not, so we had all of the grandchildren present, something that hasn’t happened in decades. Really enjoyed seeing them all.

We’d known granddaddy wasn’t in very good health for a while, so this was hardly a shock. It was a little quick based on how the nursing home had presented it on Thursday (3 weeks) versus what happened (he passed on Friday morning with his wife and youngest son present).

The whole thing did end up hitting me harder than I’d expected, especially once I got home. It definitely threw me into a funk out of which I’ve not quite pulled myself. Getting out of the house last night helped, and I did a little (planned) retail therapy today to pick up a PS3 (thanks, DC tax refund!). Have it mostly set up but want to wait until a little later today to actually get into a game. I took the entire week off, which was good and allowed me time to do things like get groceries and the aforementioned retail therapy, as well as trying to process some of the mental mess that’s come out of the whole thing. Hasn’t helped the mood any that I had to cancel this past weekend’s trip to go see Mike, and I’m not sure when I’m going to be able to get back up there to see him. It’s a question of timing, more than anything, between what I’ve got going on and what he’s got going on over the next month or so.

So, that’s where I am at the moment.

My new mortgage servicing company has made a fine festuche of the escrow statement on my PMI as I moved over to them. Sent them a doc on 12/10/09 to have them correct the error (they somehow assumed I wasn’t going to pay the PMI that was on the bill for December and January, despite never being late with a payment?!?!). Called today because the February bill shows an increase (which was threatened in the incorrect escrow statement) to collect the “missing” PMI. They did indeed get my letter via fax on the 10th, but no one ever bothered to send it to the escrow department to have the thing fixed. Oy. So, step one was having that happen today, and I’ll call to bug them in a week. In the meantime I have to pay the bill with the extra $17 and change on it and then deal later with getting that somehow credited to a future bill or to principle. Right. It’s not a ton of money, but frankly I don’t want to pay them a penny more than I owe them. I have little faith in this new company so far, though the reps I’ve spoken to in the two months I’ve had them have been fairly pleasant to deal with.

Oh, and my favorite part of dealing with them? For the first time since about my third mortgage payment back in 2006 I’m paying my mortgage via check. Why? Because they want to charge me to make the payment online, in an amount that adds about 1% to the bill. No thanks, I’ll happily pay the USPS to deliver it instead. Dingbats.

And there’s some question why people dislike financial institutions?

Anyway. Other than that, training is going okay. My foot began to bother me a little at the end of last week, but several nights of sleeping in the brace has staved off the ever-possible plantar fasciitis. Went absolutely nuts in making soup last week, so I have gobs of the stuff in freezer bags now for easy meals later (whip up some fresh rice and heat up the soup, voila, homemade meal in no time). Curried split pea soup and African bean soup (also slightly curried, but with peanut butter in the broth – yum). Mood is much elevated thanks to regular exercise again.

Mike is looking at condos in Beantown these days. It’s been fun to watch the excitement and apprehension that goes along with that process. In a lot of ways I wish I were up there to look at places with him and watch the possibilities unfold. I did have to admit to him that I was a bit apprehensive when he first said that he was going to buy rather than rent when he moved this spring (it does make the long-distance aspect of the relationship a bit more, well, lasting for the near future), but spitting it out and talking about it with him released that anxiety. Yes, we’ll be traveling back and forth for a while to come, but I think he’s worth it.

Work has been hellacious as we move toward budget hearing time with the President’s budget coming out on Monday. Today was spent going over mind-numbing anticipatory questions and answers (the programs guessing what the Hill is going to ask us, and then answering said questions). On the one hand it’s a good picture of the overall direction of the BGA. On the other, it’s tedious and time-consuming, and one gets tired of correcting grammar and statutory reference mistakes. Eh, as long as they keep paying me. Though I do look forward to getting the ad out on the street for the other appropriations attorney position we’re supposed to be putting out. Soon. I hope. (Help!)

NTP is in full start-up mode. The newbies register on Wednesday and then the fun begins. I have two docs to edit up this week, and then we’re good to get started.

Been thinking a lot about decorating, again. Mainly paint and some minor things around the apartment. It’s been 4 years-ish since I moved in and I’ve not painted a thing. Whoops. I did come up with an idea for the color (though not the exact shade) for the bedroom this afternoon. Looked around when I got home and I think it’ll work. Not saying much past that, but I’m hopeful. Need to find someplace to do some framing for me, too (oooh, and there’s an idea for the front hall. Hmmm…). Anyway, it’s a slow process (re: 4 years, no paint), but is good to get some more concrete ideas. Oh, and cleaning out of closets will happen shortly. Lots to do, lots to do.

I am most decidedly not a fan of cold weather, not that this is a revelation for anyone who’s known me or read what I’ve written online over the past decade. Being stuck inside, not being able to run or bike outdoors, all makes for a grumpy Moose. This weekend ended up being a wash as far as most activities go, though I did manage to get on the bike in the trainer both days an get some decent exercise in. For the most part I just vegetated and didn’t seem to do a lot past playing a lot on my DS. It’s weekends like this that make me question the decision to live on SW; it’s so much more socially isolated down here, despite the convenience to work and training. Though when I sit down and think it over I honestly wonder if I’d be any better at getting out if I lived any closer to folks. Certainly I’d have less of an excuse not to venture out, but would that be enough to motivate me to do so? I’d like to think I would, but I can’t know that at the moment.

That said, I’m getting the hell out now because I can’t take the apartment and the lack of human contact any more. So, off to JR’s for me thus evening and meeting a friend or friends for dinner. I may not like going outside in cold weather, but I can’t ignore the need to get out of my little shell, so wrestle with winter I will.

This particular song by Alanis came on in the car tonight, and it ended up meaning a lot more than on previous listens:

“I am someone easy to leave”
“Even easier to forget”
A voice, if inaccurate

Again: “I’m the one they all run from”
Diatribes of clouded sun
Someone help me find the pause button

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren’t my own
Wreaking havoc

“I’m too exhausting to be loved”
“A volatile chemical”
“Best to quarantine and cut off”

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren’t my own
Wreaking havoc

“I’m but a thorn in your sweet side”
“You’d better off without me”
“It’d be best to leave at once”

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren’t my own
Wreaking havoc

Ah, negative thinking, how much you run through the brain and won’t let it keep moving. Another breakthrough today, and something else to think more about, post-DLOC. One wonders where these thoughts come from, and why they’re taking so much of my energy with them. I think the DLOC journal will be getting some more writing this week.

For some reason the reintegration back into real life has been a bit difficult. There was the inevitable backup of work at the BGA (“vacation is its own punishment”), breaking things off with someone I’d been dating, adjustment back to east coast time (which means I have to try and fight my normal nature to be a night owl), and just doing the little things like unpacking everything and putting it all away, sorting mail, grocery shopping, etc. Still haven’t done the grocery shopping, so I’ve been subsisting on ever-shrinking supplies of staples from the freezer and cabinet. Not a bad thing, it’s good to clear those out every now and again, but not perhaps the healthiest meals I could be eating.

One thing I’ve been doing to integrate some of our practices from DLOC has been to post “appreciations” over on FaceBook. Just little things to acknowledge those things I’m appreciative of for whatever reason. It does help to make one more mindful of what’s going on in your life, which has made it a useful tool for me.

Past that I’m trying to find my motivation to get back to tri training for my last two races this season, and finish up my commitment with the club’s volunteer work this month. “The Pile” of books has grown since coming back, including some re-reading of classics I feel the need to reexamine in light of the DLOC and SF experiences (The Ethical Slut, the Tao Te Ching/Dao De Jing). I’m about 1/2 an inch from finishing sock #2 on pair #2, and I have another pull ball ready to go on the next set, but the one sock’s been sitting here unloved as I try to work myself back into life.

Picked up another bike yesterday. I wanted something a bit better for zipping around town than my mountain bike (which is a good bike, but not the best for commuting). I went in a slightly different direction, a single gear, and put “campus pedals” on it (clipless on one side, regular pedal platform on the other), so I don’t have to throw on bike shoes just to zip somewhere if I wish to bike out. My goal there is to bike about more to things in town, and sweat be damned. It even came with a kickstand! I feel so retro with a kickstand on a bike – I don’t think I’ve had one of those since high school. With the bike, though, comes the last big purchase for the year, I think. Need to back off and pay off the remnants of vacation and the bike and plan for the end of the year and Giftmas. And to plan for the next body electric workshop next year, of course.

It’s hard to fully describe the changes wrought by DLOC, but I’ll be working on them this year.