Of Moose And Men
The Best Laid Plans Of Both Often Go Astray

I think I finally pinned down what it is I’ve been feeling for the past day or so, and that’s lost. Something I considered an anchor (though whether I clung to that anchor for the right reasons is a whole other story) is gone, and I’m doing the usual soul-searching that comes from such an upheaval.

And it’s not particularly fun.

This on the heels of just having had a “what do you want to do with your life” talk with my supervisor, going over advancement possibilities, and thinking about what else I might want to do with my career. I’m fairly happy with my job, though I will admit these days to being somewhat bored with it, too. Same old issues, same old fights, and in some ways a new crew of managers coming in (not in my office, but in others I deal with) who are not quite as pleasant to work with as the ones I deal with daily now. Do I want to stick with that? But what else would I do? So frustrating.

It doesn’t help me that I’m horrible at cultivating a support network. I don’t reach out to folks as I might, and I don’t really go outside myself when dealing with a problem (save for venting here). “My problems are my problems,” my little brain says to me, “and they’re for me to deal with, alone, until they’re taken care of.” And that’s not always the best solution. In fact, it’s probably rarely the best solution. I work, maybe I go exercise, I come home, I veg, I maybe chat online, but that’s it. And I don’t think that’s enough for me.

I’m also very seriously reconsidering the IM in November. My parents are iffy, because Dad’s going to have some surgery around then and so they don’t know if they’ll be able to travel out. BC won’t be coming, obviously. And frankly, the idea of going out there for a week and coming across that finish line for something that big with no one there to greet me, celebrate with me, or just to see it happen is just not an appealing one. Yes, I wanted to do it because it’s a challenge, but I’m not sure if I like the cost at this point.

As I did 3.5 years ago in January of 2005, I’m planning to escape DC for the inaugural festivities. Frankly, I don’t care which party wins, the people who come to DC to celebrate the victory are obnoxious. Add to that the inevitable security craziness, protestors and entitled politicos and you might see why I don’t want to be here.

This time around I think it’s time to make a much-delayed and much-needed return to the Bay Area to visit/meet folks. I think the main question at this point is how long to go out for.

Sorry for the overly dramatic last post. That’s what comes of posting in the moment, or right after the moment, as the case may be.

Yes, BC and I are no longer together. ‘Twas the culmination of several factors, and I fear the fault here really is mine. No freak out like the last guy I dated, but still, in the end I just wasn’t enough.

Thank you to the friends who reached out, I do appreciate that.

Today has pretty much been spent alternating between numbness and tears, not helped any by a hangover from last night’s Independence Day festivities. I just realized how little sleep I got last night from the time print on the last post – I had thought we’d crashed right after midnight, but it seems we were up a lot later than that. So for tonight some meditations on what has happened, and lots of sleep. This absolutely, positively stinks on ice, and it’s going to hurt for some time to come, and that’s not the overreaction of last night talking, either.

I know people aren’t suppose to complain about this, but my pants are starting not to fit. As in, I’m shrinking out of them. And it’s not like I’m not eating, because I most certainly am, yet the increase in activity is changing me. For the better, mind you, but it’s annoying feeling like my pants are either going to fall off, or are staying on but too far cinched in. And it’s even better at work with the blackberry on my hip.

Completed the first 4 week cycle last week with a nice down week. Popping down definitely worked – I felt much better running this morning, though tonight’s swim was a little rough at first (wasn’t feeling balanced when I started). In any case, good stuff today, and nice to see confirmation of the wisdom of the 4 week cycle (three weeks of gradual increases with the fourth a drop back a step to recover).

In non-training stuff, BC and I headed out to a DC United game yesterday with friends. Was lots of fun (they won). Tried taking some pictures, but we were too far up to get any decent ones with my camera. Took tons of pictures on Saturday at the club’s training tri, some good, most mediocre, but it was still fun to take ’em, though I ended up napping a good bit of Saturday afternoon after it.

Looking forward to dinner with Dean tomorrow, haven’t seen him in a bit and it’ll be nice to catch up.

Heard from the parental units tonight, they’re up near the Grand Canyon in Arizona and were about to go out swimming with my niece, whom we’ve taken to referring to as “DP,” or “Disney Princess.” After an initial period they finally sat her down and had an attitude adjustment talk which seems to have helped – she was feeling full of her 11 years at the early part of the summer, so an adjustment was definitely needed. Sounded like she was doing much better, though. Also spoke with my brother earlier today (a rarity – we just don’t talk that often on the phone) and he’s doing well, which is a welcome change from last year.

Anyway, off to bed here so I can get up and bike in the morning. Pickups tomorrow – small bursts of speed surrounded by moderate biking. Speedwork is always fun, so I’m looking forward to it.

Tried to go shopping today, post-pride. Wanting to not waste petrol, and since I was already warm from walking around at the pride festival, I biked over to Barracks Row to hit the local bike shop and the local yarn shop. Someone, however, had other ideas for me.

• Strike One: Local Bike Shop no longer carries nutrition products, the sole thing I needed.
• Strike Two: Local Yarn Shop doesn’t have any of the notions I wanted to pick up.
• Strike Three: Picked up my mail from yesterday on the way back into the building, and the every-two-years-like-clockwork jury duty summons was in there.

I get the picture, I’m staying in the rest of the day.

Earlier I did go down to the Pride festival for DC. Was nice, nothing particularly smashing, but I enjoyed it. Saw several folks I don’t see much of these days, picked up a bracelet (bike chain pattern), got some sun (no burn though – yay SPF 30). I didn’t go out to the parade last night – I didn’t want to go drinking after or during after yesterday morning’s race, and honestly I prefer the festival for people watching and talking. Instead I finished up Half-Life 2: Episode One on the Xbox (didn’t take long, actually), finished a knitting sampler I was working on (increases and decreases, various methods), and started the next project – BC’s hat, to match the scarf. The hat, after the initial cast on and row, is coming along quite nicely, especially in comparison to the scarf. We’ll see how it goes when I have to start decreasing and slip it over to the double pointed needles.

Question for my knitting friends: Do they not make aluminium or metal needles these days? Mom has a ton (which I will filch from her in due time), and I like the feel of them, but almost everything I see other than Addi Turbos are wood of some sort (or bamboo). What gives?

Is it really only Tuesday? This week feels like it should be done already.

Checked on the cats this evening for Richard. They’re still alive. Boris was tres fussy, and Natasha was calmer than she’s been in ages.

Went out this weekend, had vodka for the first time in forever. Ugh. I remember why I’ve not been indulging in that particular vice of late. Monday was less than pleasant, though not entirely miserable. Won’t be repeating that particular slip until after the IM, I think.

Tired this evening for some reason. Long day, but I got the (hopefully) final polish on The Project From Heck before it goes up to our front office to get ripped to shreds. Tomorrow is assembling the associated binder with all the cases and other materials we cite. Joy.

Went to a men’s knitting group tonight. All of three of us showed up, one of whom was way, way late. I stayed two hours, chatted a lot with my friend who showed up at the same time I did while we knitted, got a goof I put in the last time I sat down to knit taken out of the project (ripped out 4-5 rows to get below the goof, got it back on the needles successfully, and now there’s no sign of the goof. yay), and put several more inches on the thing. It’ll be done, eventually. Not like there’s a massive rush to finish a scarf now that Spring’s here (though getting the hot thing out of my lap while knitting will be a plus). It’s only once a month, so I can go again. Was nice to get out of the house and listen to the two-person band who was playing jazz/blues while we were there.

Short run tomorrow, and a swim after work, then it’s making potato salad and getting myself ready for a brick workout up in Columbia with the club. Get to test out the course (which I fully expect to kick my ass, since I’ve done zero hills this year), see what it’s going to be like in 2 weeks for the race itself. Get to see BC that evening, and he’s bringing over Tiger Woods golf to make me practice. I told him that’s fine, but I get to drag him into Super Smash Bros Brawl if he does bring Tiger Woods. I think that’s a fair trade.

Oh, and I almost forgot, called the student loan company to confirm that they credited the payment and I have a zero balance. Won’t get the official letter from them for another month to 45 days, but the helpful woman on the phone did confirm that it is in fact completely paid off now. Hooray!

It was wet and disgusting pretty much all day today, so I spent the vast majority of it sending my minions after various and sundry bugs, zombies and of course gold. Managed to find myself a mistress to redecorate my tower, forged some new armor, and killed off two more of the bosses. ‘Twas fun, if exasperating at times.

Did some tri club work this evening, coding of pages and sending out schedules for the other co-leaders to help decide when our next events are through the beginning of June. No bike today because of the thunderstorms, and didn’t feel like running since I’m supposed to run in the morning tomorrow.

Did get a lovely visit with JT last night – Thai food and good company, always a good combination. Almost dragged myself out to the local garden store, but decided to wait until next weekend when BC’s back in town and make him help. If I can drag him out shopping, that is – dunno what sort of time at home he’s going to need after seeing his grandparents and being out of town.

Friday was a glorious day off. I biked to get new running shoes, a new biking jacket/vest (convertible!), lunch with J, and new tubes for the blown one I had to replace on the way out the door.

Dinner ended up being liquid bread, aka lotsa beer, at Nellie’s and then Cobalt (birthday of a neighbor dragged me out for once). Ran into Don, who I really hope took home the cute, tall man who was attempting to hit on me (and Don!) before I had the chance to explain that, while he was tall and cute and would be tempting, I was taken and not amenable to breaking that particular promise. They disappeared, but not before I told Don he’d be a fool not to grab that one. Heaven willing that wasn’t bad advice.

The urchins are sort-of screaming outside. Someone called the cops earlier, which got rid of them around quarter to midnight, but they’re back outside again. I have an early bike ride in the morning (“Hi, this is what you’d look like hung over. DON’T DO THIS!!”), so I’m hoping they stay quiet and I don’t have to call the cops on them myself. As with all things in this city, I’m crossing my fingers but not holding my breath.

Spent all day (around laundry and grocery shopping and a run) working from home on a legal memo. It’s still in need of more work than I can do tonight, but it’s a lot closer than where it was at the end of last week. Completely bushed now, though.

Spent some good time with BC this weekend. Got to see Greg, Charlie and various others at Gregmas on Saturday. Avoided the traffic for the new stadium both Saturday and Sunday (though hearing the roar of the crowd when I got home Sunday night was music to my property values ears).

Otherwise I’m just beat, so now I’m gonna crash.