Of Moose And Men
The Best Laid Plans Of Both Often Go Astray

First, I’m loving not having to shift gears. You just get on and start pedaling – no worrying about whether you left it in the right gear, whether it’ll be too loose or too tight to get going, you just go. If there’s a hill, it’s harder to pedal, if it’s downhill, it’s easier. Simple.

Second, it has a kick stand. I cannot express how awesome that is. For years now the “cool” bikes did not come with kick stands (and probably still don’t). And certainly, if you were using your bike for racing (which I’ve done on each of my other bikes), you didn’t want a kick stand, for practical as well as “cool” reasons. But being able to prop the bike up on its own while I fumble with getting the lock and cable out and in place? Priceless.

The brakes are still a little noisy, especially on a quick stop, but I’m sure that’ll work out as they get worn in.

The other bike store I tried also did not have shoes in my size (grrr!), so it looks like I may have to order some from online. Not my favorite choice, as my feet seem are odd enough that I pretty much always want to try shoes on right in the store to ensure proper fit, without endless back and forth shipping of shoes. Blah. But not having clips on the pedals, while not fatal, was kind of annoying. I wanted the increased power of being able to do the full rotation of the pedal and not just mash down on them; I’m definitely far more comfortable being clipped in as it gives one a better control over pedaling and balance.

Anyway, so far so good. Won’t be able to bike to work tomorrow as I have a long night planned with my friend Drew beginning right after work, but I do look forward to trying it out on the morning and evening commutes.

For some reason the reintegration back into real life has been a bit difficult. There was the inevitable backup of work at the BGA (“vacation is its own punishment”), breaking things off with someone I’d been dating, adjustment back to east coast time (which means I have to try and fight my normal nature to be a night owl), and just doing the little things like unpacking everything and putting it all away, sorting mail, grocery shopping, etc. Still haven’t done the grocery shopping, so I’ve been subsisting on ever-shrinking supplies of staples from the freezer and cabinet. Not a bad thing, it’s good to clear those out every now and again, but not perhaps the healthiest meals I could be eating.

One thing I’ve been doing to integrate some of our practices from DLOC has been to post “appreciations” over on FaceBook. Just little things to acknowledge those things I’m appreciative of for whatever reason. It does help to make one more mindful of what’s going on in your life, which has made it a useful tool for me.

Past that I’m trying to find my motivation to get back to tri training for my last two races this season, and finish up my commitment with the club’s volunteer work this month. “The Pile” of books has grown since coming back, including some re-reading of classics I feel the need to reexamine in light of the DLOC and SF experiences (The Ethical Slut, the Tao Te Ching/Dao De Jing). I’m about 1/2 an inch from finishing sock #2 on pair #2, and I have another pull ball ready to go on the next set, but the one sock’s been sitting here unloved as I try to work myself back into life.

Picked up another bike yesterday. I wanted something a bit better for zipping around town than my mountain bike (which is a good bike, but not the best for commuting). I went in a slightly different direction, a single gear, and put “campus pedals” on it (clipless on one side, regular pedal platform on the other), so I don’t have to throw on bike shoes just to zip somewhere if I wish to bike out. My goal there is to bike about more to things in town, and sweat be damned. It even came with a kickstand! I feel so retro with a kickstand on a bike – I don’t think I’ve had one of those since high school. With the bike, though, comes the last big purchase for the year, I think. Need to back off and pay off the remnants of vacation and the bike and plan for the end of the year and Giftmas. And to plan for the next body electric workshop next year, of course.

It’s hard to fully describe the changes wrought by DLOC, but I’ll be working on them this year.

I still have a lot of stuff to process from this past two weeks. Dear Love of Comrades (DLOC) was simply amazing, and precisely what I was needing. It revealed a lot of things to me which I needed to see and experience to help clarify where I am in my life and where I might want to go. But it’s going to be difficult to reconcile those with my daily practices. There are changes I will need to make, and I’m not entirely sure where I’m going to make them yet.

Two of the big things that were revealed were the extent to which I have let fear dictate so many of my actions. Fear of change and fear of my body being at the top of that list. And then, as I dwelt on those, the incredible sense of anger I felt at how I’d let that fear dictate things, and especially anger at my body and how it sets me aside from the norm (more specifically the lactose intolerance and all the problems associated with that, and the extensive history of cancer in my family and how that affects me and my behaviors). Most of this was revealed on Friday, first during the daily movement practice before breakfast (an exercise where we were visualizing our obstacles and chopping, pushing, dropping them, and then pulling toward us what we wanted in our lives), then in a large heart circle we had before and after lunch.

I knew there were emotions that were going to be revealed as part of the week – no one gets through Body Electric without some sort of emotional experience, large or small – but I don’t think I expected these particular ones. Of course, my previous experiences with Body Electric have all been ones where I felt this overwhelming joy at the connections made. I got a lot of that joy during the week as well; the big draw we did on Wednesday was the most intense, and the most intensely erotic, that I’ve experienced to date. Unlike last fall where I felt the build up of energy in me, but didn’t know what to do with it, so released it, this time I held the energy, moved it over and around my body with my hands, and claimed it as my own. It was incredible to hold that much energy and be able to channel it rather than simply releasing it into the cosmos. I did laugh again, from giggling to full body, shaking laughter. Even thinking about the experience now, a week and a half later, gives me goose bumps. There was one moment where the masseur was working on my lower body and one of the assistants came over and put his hands under my back, helping me arch up and throw my head back as I lost track of where was up and down, simply concentrating on how awesome (and erotic) the whole thing felt. I spoke first when we were done, describing the marvelous experience I’d just had, and started by repeating the word “wow” over and over again (when asked to breathe into it, the coordinator said to breathe into “Wow to the ninth power”). I don’t normally speak first for those, but it just came bubbling out this time.

Comparing that amazing experience and connection to the much more mellow and introspective weekend after Friday’s revelation feels somewhat unfair, but they’re part and parcel of the same body of experience. There is incredible joy to be found in the connections with other people, but there are barriers I’ve erected to fully giving myself over to the connections I could be making, and I need to change that.

One of the hardest things about coming back into the Bay area from up on the mountain in Guerneville was the lack of practiced movement. Each morning at DLOC you got a choice between a walk/hike or practiced movement (yoga, sufi meditation, etc.). All but one morning I did the movement exercise, all of which were wonderful (and, as written about above, cathartic in one case). Even when we were getting together during the day we were able to move and dance and stretch, experiencing the wonder of being fully present in (and thus mindful of) our bodies. Wandering around SF I kept wanting to stop and drop into yoga poses when the feeling arose, but of course even in SF there are expectations of behavior (and public sidewalks aren’t conducive to yoga). I had to content myself with stretching my arms above and to the side when I was able, and that just wasn’t the same. I suspect one thing I’ll have to do more is that type of spontaneous stretching during the day – close my office door and take a few moments to stretch out and be present in my body. It can’t hurt, and I’m lucky to have that freedom to be able to close that door and take a brief break, even in work drag.

One thing I’ve already brought back into my life is posting those things I appreciate, both to FB and to my main countfour blog (it wasn’t like there was anything else going to it!). Just noting something every day which I’m thankful for has been a good practice. It helps to focus on the positive, and to be more mindful of the experience of living.

The school set up a yahoo group for our class, at first to share rides up and otherwise coordinate travel, but also to keep in touch after the experience. Thus far it’s been pretty busy, with folks posting regularly to describe their transition back to “normalcy”. I’m glad to have this group of men, and this forum to stay in touch with them. It’s all too easy to let these experiences slip back into the background and fall back into old patterns, and I don’t want that to happen if I can avoid it. I can’t go on living as if this had never happened; I’d be miserable if I did.

I don’t think I could’ve shown myself a more stark contrast this morning between running and cycling. I went out and did 20 miles on the bike just now, came back in and plugged in the heart rate monitor to download the data, and it turns out I was out cycling for less than a minute less than the time I ran yesterday (1:09:35 cycling cersus 1:09:43 running). Perfect way to compare the two.

The starkest difference, and the one that I knew was there but hadn’t had matching data quite like this, was calories burned. Now, I know it’s an average, a suggestion based on my height and weight and all that, but the running showed 826 calories burned, and the cycling showed 1,278 calories burned. Meaning in their estimate running burned only 2/3 as many calories as cycling did. No wonder I was losing all the weight last spring when I was cycling all the time! (and yes, the running and swimming helped, too, I’m sure, but still)

This tells me I need to stop staying up so late and get my tail out on the bike more often in the morning.

Finished the Lawyers Have Heart 10k this morning (an hour and 8 or 9 minutes – I forgot to hit the stop button when I zipped over the finish line and they haven’t posted results yet). Ran for the first 4 miles or so, then took some walking breaks. It was made pleasant for those first 4 miles by a young law student who decided to chat with me about triathlons (I was wearing a club shirt). She had a good pace and we ran pretty well together, which was nice. I finally let her go when I needed to drop down out of zone 4 and back into zone 3 with some walk breaks. Glad I did the race, I needed the experience, even if it did mean I didn’t go out last night.

One thing that annoyed me was that they used a new disposable timing chip system – as if Championchip’s resuable chips weren’t good enough. So now we all have a piece of miniature electronics and plastic to throw away. Ugh. I’m going to send a polite note to the race organizers expressing my displeasure over the waste.

Popped down to the parade this evening. Dear heavens but that took forever. The sun had been down over half an hour and floats and groups were still coming past the reviewing stand. Someone needs to work on their timing. Or start the thing earlier. Or something, because N and I finally gave up and went to meet the typing pool for dinner down on P street. Took a lot of pictures, not sure if any are worth anything. Did discover my backup battery had no charge (whoops!), so those are getting charged now and in the morning before tomorrow’s day at the festival. My plan is to spend pretty much all day down there seeing folks, chatting and what not. I always prefer the festival over the parade because the pace is more leisurely and it’s not such a logistical mess.

In the meantime, I’m going to try and get up and get in a bike ride in the morning, as well as hitting the work ATM so I don’t have to pay fees. Sunscreen galore for tomorrow, too. No sense getting more fried than I need to.

Finished the Columbia triathlon in 3:35:30, about 2 minutes slower than last year. Will write up a full race report later. In the meantime, shower, FOOD, and maybe a nap.

My stomach has started the pre-race jitters dance this morning. I’ve gotten up, taken delivery of a chair I ordered a couple months back (and yay for prompt delivery people – window was 8 to 12 and he was here at 2 after 8!), started assembling my race gear, and put the bike rack on the back of the mini. Weather today is sticky, and threatening rain. Tomorrow looks to be cool and damp (arm warmers have been put in the gear pile).

Once I get packet pick-up and bike drop-off done here in a bit, it’s home to finish packing, clean, and generally try to go over the race day and how things are going to go (visualizing transition is a good thing). Get to try the wet suit on and see how tight it’s going to be this year – I’ve not worn it since last July-ish, and I gained a few pounds over the non-running part of last year which haven’t quite come off yet. With it looking to be damp tomorrow I’m glad I got the new, lighter shades. Lighter in terms of tint, that is – wanted something for dimmer conditions like pre-dawn rides where the sun would be coming up, and I’d want some protection once it did, but not the full dark of my normal sunglasses. They’re perfect for this weather, protecting but not obscuring.

Will try to crash shortly after sunset this evening since I have to get up around 4 to get ready and get up to Columbia for the race in the morning. Gonna be a long day tomorrow.

Did a final push tonight to ensure I can do Columbia on Sunday. Swam a little over a mile (3×500 as the main set, with about a minute rest between each), got home, changed, zipped out for a run of about six and a half miles (a little more than what I’ll be doing Sunday, though on flat and not hills like Columbia will be). Not bad, though I predict I will be a bit sore tomorrow. If nothing else there’ll be a small blister on the left foot from the new orthoses. I think next week will be time for new shoes, too. And hey, should sleep nicely tonight.

I got a pretty nasty little sunburn on Sunday while driving back from Tidewater. It’s fading, and isn’t quite as red as it was on Monday. I keep slathering it with aftersun lotion (and sunscreen when I go out), and no peeling, either. Yay moisturizer. Made an appointment for early June to get the mini’s AC fixed so I won’t do that to myself again.

I want to spend some time next week going through my uberlist for this year. Some things have been completed, and some have changed or been rendered moot. And it’s time for a review, after getting through this first race.

What is it about traveling that always throws my system off? My hands are covered in eczema from something, likely the stress of travel and not drinking nearly enough water. Driving a ton more today, down to North Carolina to visit my grandparents and back, probably didn’t help any.

The family is doing okay, and it’s been a pleasant visit all told. My brother didn’t make it down with the younger two nieces, but I did get to see the eldest niece and give her a hard time (as well as an antique pendant for her birthday). Picked up a set of mid-century import china I’ve had my eyes on for the past 3-4 years now (dragons!), and I’m also hauling back a mounted set of moose antlers from my grandfather (a moose he evidently hunted himself in Canada some many, many years ago). Where I’m going to hang the antlers is a whole other question, but at least they fit in the back of the mini to haul back to DC. Going to have to figure out how to clean and preserve them, too – they’re a tad dusty and dry from years in an attic.

Managed to avoid having to plant walnut trees by delaying the trip until mother’s day. Sneaky, but smart. Though I’ve also missed the last good weekend to get in long training before the race next Sunday. So, I’ll just have to wing it on the 17th. I know how to do it, I know I can do all three events separately, and I’ve done this race before, so I’ll finish, but it ain’t gonna be pretty.

Had some fun on the dating front, but I’m not going into it yet. Too early to tell where it’s going, if anywhere, so aside from noting that something is happening, I’m going to leave it at that.

Okay, thank you Netflix for partnering with everyone under the sun. Here I was thinking I’d need to buy another computer or HD TiVo or some sort of device to play the “watch instantly” movies (while still being able to chat on the laptop, mind you), and while playing with the Xbox this morning I discovered I could watch them via a free download on that device. It’s nice to not have to spend more money for entertainment, and also good since the Xbox is the only thing plugged into the TV with HDMI at this point, so the picture quality is pretty good, even for downloaded content.

The week was an odd one, with the swings in weather and going out to be social and work oddities. Now that we’re past the initial stages of stimulus work, it’s getting down to crunch times for many offices – implementation and distribution of funds. Which means a lot of serious work, as well as the occasional eyebrow-raising inquiry (seriously, you think that a contract to maintain and develop a web site for aid recipients to report their progress doesn’t fall squarely within the definition of “management and oversight” of your program? please).

Finally running time machine this morning with my backup drive. A bit late, I know, but will be good to have it done at last. Cold wash got done, dinner plans with Richard and his new beau this evening. Need to get to the grocery store soon (tonight? tomorrow? not completely out of food but it’s getting there). Date planned for Monday. At some point I should get in a long bike ride this weekend. Need to finish up a sock I’m working on so I can get started on its mate. All these little necessities of life which catch up if you don’t keep up with them.