Fear: An Out There! Collaboration

16 January 2001

"Where was my car?"

OUT THERE! COLLABORATION TOPIC FOR JANUARY 2001:
What are you afraid of? What are some things that you fear in life? Tell about some instances where your fear and anxiety were strong enough to interfere in your life. What was it like to feel that intimidated or fearful about something? What steps have you taken to overcome your fears and anxieties? Have you been able to help people overcome their fears in any way? What role has fear played in your life, and how have your feelings about fear evolved? What are we afraid of?

I fear losing my independence, only recently won and very much cherished. Perhaps even overly so, to my detriment.

Doug asked me recently why it was, in our quest for shared living quarters, I was so hell-bent on staying in the District rather than considering alternatives in the close suburbs. I've responded to him already, but in doing so I've had to consider a lot of the effects The Ex has had on me.

I've been reluctant to write about him in this medium. Hell, I've been reluctant to talk about him at all. The relationship we had was not a good one, on either side, and we each had a lot of negative effects on the other, effects that still linger, at least for me.

The Ex and I put each other through an emotional hell the last two years of our life together. He didn't trust me, I had tried unsuccessfully to cheat on him around the time of my 24th birthday and he never got over that. No matter what I did it was never enough after that. And he never let me forget it.

Contemporaneous with his ever-present paranoia about my every contact with someone who was unknown to him (especially contact with other gay men) was an increasing financial dependence on him on my part. I can't tell for sure if he actively encouraged it, but it helped assure him that I wasn't going anywhere on my own anytime soon; he had his emotional crutch firmly in place and was assured of its continued presence.

After moving to the Maryland suburbs he decided that his little Accord wasn't cutting it for his commute around the Capitol Beltway (a hellish ride that did nothing for his moods), so we sold a pickup truck that was in both our names so he could get a yuppie assault vehicle (Y.A.V.) in which he would feel more comfortable on his commute.

At this point I owned no vehicle of my own, having returned my own beloved truck to my parents when I could no longer afford to fix its ever increasing ailments. After he got the Y.A.V., I drove his Accord, instead of our truck, down to Metro so I could get to the temp. jobs I was working (I had not yet begun my internship). There was bus service, but in the evening it would have taken an hour by bus just to get from Metro to home. So I drove his Accord instead, with his grudging permission.

One day at work I got a page from The Ex, called him, and was asked, "Where was my car on [X Date]."

I had gone into D.C. to have lunch with a friend just prior to starting a temp. job; I was also interviewing with the various temp. firms on the same visit to town. The Ex heard we'd met for lunch, assumed I was trying to cheat on him (the friend was but that - a friend) and called me at work to accuse me of it.

But the way in which he chose to do that was not, "Did you go to lunch," or, "Where were you," or "Who were you with," but, "Where was my car," an extremely unsubtle reminder of the financial power he held over me.

To this day I can hear his voice over the phone, asking me that question, and my pulse quickens, I turn pale and a feeling of utter panic overcomes me. I remember feeling like, "This is it, he's going to dump me, I'm going to be stuck in Laurel with no real means of getting to work and back, the bills will all fall to me and I'll be utterly screwed." That one little phrase represents the entirety of the fear I had that in my dependence I had allowed myself to get to a point where that dependence jeopardized my safety and well-being.

Which is why I insist on being able to do things on my own these days. If I can't do it myself, if I can't get to work or the grocery store or what not on my own, at least enough to have the bare necessities of life, then it doesn't happen. My current apartment, while far from perfect, is mine and I can do all those things necessary to my life from here. This fear, though, has held me back from fully embracing my relationships, especially the relationship with Doug, whom I love quite dearly. I'm working on it, and I have gotten better, but it's taking time. I hope I can get over it soon - this is no way to spend a life, in fear of someone who has no power over me except that power I have given him in my mind. And I'm afraid of that power.

"Where was my car?"

*shudder*

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