04 November 2000

Lucky

I am not a spiritual person in the religious sense of the word. I mean, I attended a Protestant church (infrequently) growing up, I was confirmed in that church in my teens (later than most), I was involved with scouting and received my church's religious award, but I feel little to no need to attend at this stage in my life. The need for the comfort that a church home provides is not something I feel, and as such I have remained away from the church, any church in fact.

Which is not to say that I do not consider myself a spiritual person. I do quite firmly believe that there is something higher than ourselves out there, be it a deity, qi, or whatever, mainly because I have felt at various times in my life that something or someone was watching out for me. I don't know that anyone could have my kind of luck without having someone else's guiding hand in there somewhere.

I say lucky because when I look at the course of my life, I can see where I have gambled many times and won, quite handily at times. I got into the one college I wanted to go to, I got into the one graduate school I wanted to attend, I got into the internship program that I wished to do. And in that internship, I did not end up in my first choice agency (which would, looking back, have been an absolute disaster), but instead found my way into an office where I have, despite periodic grumblings, been very pleased with the work and with my co-workers. I got away from my emotionally abusive ex at a time when I was able to do so without starving or going bankrupt (no sooner, and no later). I've found wonderful men in my life to date, including a full triad now. How could I not feel that something was watching out for me? I cannot believe it is all coincidence. Besides, there is some comfort in thinking that there is something beyond ourselves, even if it is a mystery.

In that context, while I will offer periodic prayers to whomever is helping me, there isn't exactly an organized church based around this. Which is, to be honest, perfectly fine by me. I like this very personal sense of a connection to something higher without the intermediary of an institution or another person.

I've done searching in the form of reading about various faiths and institutions (including one extremely arrogant book which, through interviews, seemed to posit that we queer folk had some closer connection to the divine by reason of our queerness - how rude!), but none of them seemed to fit this certainty of belief that I have. Perhaps one of these days something will come along, but until then, I shall continue in this faith of my own, and pray that whoever is watching over me continues to guide me, even if not in the way that I might initially choose.